CDC Director Erica Schwartz Uses All Hands to Neither Confirm Nor Deny She is CDC Director.
Today’s All Hands is the first time CDC staff may or may not have met the new Director
The Weekly Needle
The Weekly Needle is America's number 1 satirical news source.
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New Groundbreaking Research from Local Toddler Explores Why She Doesn’t Need a Nap.
New research challenges long held notions that naps are not smelly no fun.
Trump Administration To Release Executive Order on Vaccines that Links What The Fuck to Holy Shit That’s Unhinged.
The new vaccine recommendations represent the biggest change in what the fuck science
Cyclospora Outbreak Stops Due to Contracting Cyclospora From Another Outbreak.
Americans can safely eat salad after salad-linked cyclospora falls ill to salsa-linked cyclospora.
CDC Staff Wake Up from Same Surreal Dream of RFK Jr Lecturing Them About Tuskegee Experiment.
Thousands of CDC Staffers report “unusual and weird” dream of RFK Jr. at CDC campus.
RFK Jr Cancels Last Minute Stop at CDC Headquarters After Contracting Explosive Diarrhea from Cringy Jay Bhattacharya AI-Generated Image.
“His entire office was covered shit due to that embarrassingly cringy image,” claims HHS.
“You Want to Stand There and Attack Me?” RFK Jr Argues With Local Starbucks Employee About “Invasive Question”on What RFK Jr Would Like to Drink
The fight is causing major tension between HHS and locals who just want to get their coffee
After CNN Debacle, RFK Jr Bans All Journalists Not Named RFK Jr from Interviewing RFK JR
RFK Jr to interview RFK Jr on his new cooking podcast “My Favorite Raccoon Murder”
CDC to Detail Detailees to Other Details to Cover Detailee’s Details
Approximately 200% of CDC’s staff are detailed in some form of fashion to another detail
Secretary Kennedy Comforts Family Grieving Cyclospora Loss By Telling Them He Isn’t Vaccinated.
“That means I don’t have autism” claims Kennedy to grieving widow.