Cyclospora Outbreak Stops Due to Contracting Cyclospora From Another Outbreak.

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SAN FRANCISCO - California Public Health Officials celebrated yesterday after news broke that one cyclospora outbreak has been stopped due to contracting cyclospora from another cyclospora outbreak, effectively ending the public health crisis.

Sam Rosario with the San Francisco City Public Health Department celebrated the news with a press briefing which provided more information on the end of one cyclosporasis.

According to Rosario, an outbreak of cyclospora linked to salads and leafy greens contracted cyclosporasis from eating jalapeños contaminated with the salsa-related cyclospora outbreak. As a result, the cyclospora contaminating salads is no longer able to spread due to contracting violent diarrhea linked to jalapeños.

“We can now safely eat salad now,” claimed Rosario, “but we can’t touch salsa”.

“Actually,” clarified Rosario, “Maybe hold off the salad just a bit more until the salad-linked cyclospora no longer has cyclosporasis it contracted from eating salsa. Your leafy greens may be covered in dookie from the sick cyclospora”.

California has been particularly hard hit due to the twin cyclospora outbreaks, as Californians on average eat the most jalapeños and salad per capita after their regular human diet of white blooded Americans is depleted, according to a recent study from Fox News.

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has expressed interest in the California case study to use outbreaks to help counteract outbreaks.

“I think the only way to prevent major outbreaks like cyclospora is not by investing in time proven quality experts and techniques, but using the humoral powers of disease to counteract the miasmic effects of other diseases,” claimed Secretary Kennedy at a local press event in Norfolk, Virginia, celebrating the “82nd Annual FatBoy Piggie Roast and Tapeworm Fest” which happens annually after several cancellation due to tapeworm outbreaks.

According to HHS spokesperson Jimmy Alvarez, the Department plans to utilize an outbreak of Black Death to help end the ongoing measles outbreak, and use prion diseases to help put an end to the Autism outbreak.