# The Weekly Needle The Weekly Needle is America's number 1 satirical news source. Page: Feed: --- ## [CDC Director Erica Schwartz Uses All Hands to Neither Confirm Nor Deny She is CDC Director.](https://theweeklyneedleblog.substack.com/p/cdc-director-erica-schwartz-uses) _2026-08-19 · The Weekly Needle_ Today’s All Hands is the first time CDC staff may or may not have met the new Director ## [New Groundbreaking Research from Local Toddler Explores Why She Doesn’t Need a Nap.](https://theweeklyneedleblog.substack.com/p/new-groundbreaking-research-from) _2026-08-19 · The Weekly Needle_ New research challenges long held notions that naps are not smelly no fun. ## [Trump Administration To Release Executive Order on Vaccines that Links What The Fuck to Holy Shit That’s Unhinged.](https://theweeklyneedleblog.substack.com/p/trump-administration-to-release-executive) _2026-08-19 · The Weekly Needle_ The new vaccine recommendations represent the biggest change in what the fuck science ## [Cyclospora Outbreak Stops Due to Contracting Cyclospora From Another Outbreak.](https://theweeklyneedleblog.substack.com/p/cyclospora-outbreak-stops-due-to) _2026-08-11 · The Weekly Needle_ Americans can safely eat salad after salad-linked cyclospora falls ill to salsa-linked cyclospora. ## [CDC Staff Wake Up from Same Surreal Dream of RFK Jr Lecturing Them About Tuskegee Experiment.](https://theweeklyneedleblog.substack.com/p/cdc-staff-wake-up-from-same-surreal) _2026-08-08 · The Weekly Needle_ Thousands of CDC Staffers report “unusual and weird” dream of RFK Jr. at CDC campus. ## [RFK Jr Cancels Last Minute Stop at CDC Headquarters After Contracting Explosive Diarrhea from Cringy Jay Bhattacharya AI-Generated Image.](https://theweeklyneedleblog.substack.com/p/rfk-jr-cancels-last-minute-stop-at) _2026-08-07 · The Weekly Needle_ “His entire office was covered shit due to that embarrassingly cringy image,” claims HHS. ## [“You Want to Stand There and Attack Me?” RFK Jr Argues With Local Starbucks Employee About “Invasive Question”on What RFK Jr Would Like to Drink](https://theweeklyneedleblog.substack.com/p/you-want-to-stand-there-and-attack) _2026-08-03 · The Weekly Needle_ The fight is causing major tension between HHS and locals who just want to get their coffee ## [After CNN Debacle, RFK Jr Bans All Journalists Not Named RFK Jr from Interviewing RFK JR](https://theweeklyneedleblog.substack.com/p/after-cnn-debacle-rfk-jr-bans-all) _2026-08-03 · The Weekly Needle_ RFK Jr to interview RFK Jr on his new cooking podcast “My Favorite Raccoon Murder” ## [CDC to Detail Detailees to Other Details to Cover Detailee’s Details](https://theweeklyneedleblog.substack.com/p/cdc-to-detail-detailees-to-other) _2026-07-30 · The Weekly Needle_ Approximately 200% of CDC’s staff are detailed in some form of fashion to another detail ## [Open directory of blogs (Sponsored)](https://crawlproof.com/a/JJWGRnbIkSGe) _2026-07-30 · **Sponsored**_ Drop URLs or OPML — get per-blog pages plus machine-readable JSON, OPML, text ## [Secretary Kennedy Comforts Family Grieving Cyclospora Loss By Telling Them He Isn’t Vaccinated.](https://theweeklyneedleblog.substack.com/p/secretary-kennedy-comforts-family) _2026-07-29 · The Weekly Needle_ “That means I don’t have autism” claims Kennedy to grieving widow.