Years ago, I had a job as an office temp, and the guy working at the opposite desk thought I was clever (I’m not) because I was reading a book about space on my breaks. Because he thought I was clever (and this was just before everyone had the internet in their pockets), he used to ask me a lot of stupid questions.

One particular day something had him curious about evolution, and it delivered this absolute gem…

Coworker: “So, how did humans evolve?”

Skip the boring conversation where I try to explain evolution.

Coworker: “But what about dinosaurs?”

Me: “Well, they all died off because an asteroid hit the Earth and kinda f***ed everything up for them.”

Coworker: “What about humans?

Me: “Well, humans just evolved from whatever s*** was left behind after the asteroid.”

Coworker: “No, no, no, I mean what happened to the humans that hunted the dinosaurs?”

Me: “Err? What? Like cavemen or something?”

Coworker: “Yes! What happened to the cavemen that used to hunt dinosaurs.

Me: “…Okay. Humans and dinosaurs did not exist at the same time.”

Coworker: “F*** off! You’re having me on!”

Me: “I’m really not. In fact, humans and dinosaurs are separated by millions of years.”

Coworker: “F*** off. I don’t believe you. You’re having me on.”

Me: “Yes, yes, yes. I am joking, and I almost got you…”

We closed at 10:30 PM. We’re cleaning up and wiping down when a guy starts banging on the door around 10:50 PM.

Customer: “Hey! The door’s locked!”

Colleague: “Yeah, we’re closed.”

The customer looks at his watch.

Customer: “Oh come on, you closed like five minutes ago! Just make me a quick sandwich!”

Colleague: “We closed twenty minutes ago.”

Customer: “What is twenty except just a collection of four five-minutes?”

I honestly have no idea what he was trying to achieve with that weird logic, but thankfully my colleague is quick at both maths and comebacks:

Colleague: “Well, we reopen in a collection of 132 five-minutes. See you then!”

He turns away from the customer and continues his cleaning task. The customer stares inside for about one tenth of a five-minute chunk, swears, and skulks away.

I live in a village with a main-line train station, but one day when the rail system was in chaos, I found myself needing to get a different kind of transport home. After some investigation, I discovered a bus route that ran from [city] to [terminus village], going through a number of towns and villages on the way, including three stops in my village.

I attempted to get on it.

Me: “Single to [Village], please.”

Driver: “I don’t think this goes there.”

Me: “Yes, you do. It’s after [Town], just before [Terminus].”

Driver: *Dubiously.* “Okay…”

He sold me a single, which I later realised was only valid to [Town], but I just wanted to get home.

At the stop in [Town], a group of young men tried to get on. One of them was clearly a local.

Local: “Four singles to [Train Station], please!”

Driver: “We don’t go there.”

Local: “It’s basically [Village].”

Driver: “Not this bus, maybe the one after.”

Local: “No, this goes to [Village]. [Common mispronunciation of village]?”

Driver: “…”

Local: “Just sell us four to [Terminus].”

A few minutes later, two foreign tourists got on.

Tourists: “[Village]?”

Driver: “No, you’re on the wrong bus.”

Local & Me: “Yes, [Village]!”

I don’t know what ticket the driver sold them, but they also got on.

For the next twenty minutes, the driver faultlessly followed the bus’s slightly obscure route along narrow country lanes and through small villages, entered my village past the large sign saying [Village Name], and, after [Local] dinged the bell, stopped correctly at the third of the request stops in [Village], where we all got out. 

I still don’t know where he thought he was. I think I’ll continue getting the train.

I work in construction and renovation. My coworker is on the call with someone who enquired about our services in the past.

Coworker: “So you ended up going with our competitor?”

Pause.

Coworker: “And you’re acknowledging that we specifically warned you that this would happen?”

Pause.

Coworker: “And you want us to come out and fix their f***-up?”

Pause.

Coworker: “And instead of paying us, you want us to hash it out with our competitor because you already paid once?”

Pause.

Coworker: “Yes, I do believe you’re in the ‘find out’ half of the equation that’s quite common in our industry. Good luck, and seriously, thank you for the phone call. It’s been a long week, and I really needed the laugh.”

My neighbour was a lovely lady but a bit short on the grey matter. Her husband was a minor diplomat, so she was, I guess, used to a degree of luxury with servants to do the work. One day I was digging potatoes in my back garden, and she looked over the fence and asked what I was doing. I explained.

Neighbour: “You aren’t going to eat them, are you?”

Me: “Er… yes.”

Neighbour: “But they’re all dirty; they’ve been in the ground!”

I didn’t offer to share them with her.