My teenage son is starting his first job in a hardware store today, which is why I am surprised to find him at home playing video games in the middle of the day when I come back to get something.

Me: “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

Son: “I am.”

Me: “You’re in our living room playing video games.”

Son: “They told me to drive to the other hardware store to buy tartan paint as we were out. I’m not an idiot, so I’m gonna play videogames all day, go back at the end of my shift, tell them I went to every hardware store in town, got laughed at, and let them have their fun. In the meantime, I’m gonna defeat this boss on their dime.”

Good for him!

We have a new boss who is trying to make some useless changes, as all new bosses tend to do:

Me: “Hey, [Boss], you rejected my expense claim for the train from the airport to my apartment?”

Boss: “You didn’t have a receipt attached, so I couldn’t approve it.”

Me: “A receipt for what? I just got a one-day ticket for $5. I’ve never needed a receipt for that before.”

Boss: “Well, now you do. Because you can’t prove that it was for work purposes, I can’t approve it.”

Me: “I used it on days I was traveling to and from the airport to attend a work conference. Isn’t that enough?”

Boss: “You can’t prove you used it to go to the airport. Plus, I need a receipt.”

Me: “Fine. Since I go to conferences and business meetings around the country once or twice a month, I’ll use a taxi from now on. That might cost about $50 to $60 each way, but they provide a receipt! With the date and the pick up/drop off locations.”

Boss: “Wait, you can’t—”

Me: “—I was doing [Company] a favor by taking the train, but since you said I can’t do that anymore, I guess I’ll take a taxi.”

Boss: “…Fine, I’ll approve it.”

Me: “No, no, you make a salient point. There should be a receipt. I wouldn’t want to set a precedent.”

I knew that if I let him approve this trip, then he would approve my future train journeys and I would lose this opportunity, so I stuck to his rules.

I got to enjoy a nice, calming taxi ride to and from the airport for every business trip after that. My travel expenses for the airport commute went from $10 to around $110, but it was all okay because I had receipts!

A customer slams a piece of paper on the customer service desk. It’s a printout from a website, showing a lawnmower with a price.

Customer: “You need to price match this.”

Me: “We don’t price match online; only deals in the store.”

Customer: “This isn’t online only!”

Me: “The price on the printout says ‘online only’.”

Customer: “Well, that doesn’t matter! You have to price match! It’s the law.”

Me: “It’s really not.”

Customer: “It is! I can get the Better Business Bureau in here if you don’t match this price!”

Me: “Why only the BBB? If we’re really breaking the law, you should call the police!”

Customer: “Well, I… I… I might!”

Me: “Do it! You call 911 and tell them all about us.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I’ll call them later! They’re probably busy today!” *Storms away.*

He leaves the printout behind, and I take another look. Not only was the deal online-only, but it wasn’t even from this year. It looked like they’d been carrying it around in their pocket for three years and just remembered “Oh yeah, I need to go buy this lawnmower I saw!”

Client: “Can you make this part of the design more white?”

Me: “It’s already white.”

Client: “But more white?”

Me: “It can’t be any whiter. The hex code is #ffffff, which is pure white. It’s maximum white.”

Client: “I need it to be whiter.”

Me: “If I make it any whiter, it’ll need to start wearing SPF50.”

Client: “…You’ve made your point.”

My coworkers overheard the conversation and laughed. Later they kept sending me messages on the work chat software to help me out the next time a client asks for such a thing:

Coworker #1: “If I make it any whiter it’ll start putting raisins in everything.”

Coworker #2: “If I make it any whiter it’ll start a podcast about artisanal craft beer.”

Coworker #3: “If I make it any whiter, it’ll start claiming it’s 1/64^th Cherokee.”

And so on…

My office had one of those annoying bosses who always liked to repeat:

Boss: “We are like a family here!”

He would say it during job interviews, company-wide presentations, and sometimes even in his email signature!

Last year was a financially trying time for the company, and layoffs were looking inevitable. We’re having another company-wide meeting where this is being discussed.

Boss: “We’ll do everything we can to mitigate any damage; after all, we’re like a family here!”

This annoyed some people, considering what was being discussed. Someone else senior shouted out:

Senior Coworker: “Yeah, a family that is constantly evaluating if it can get rid of family members to save money!”

That actually got a laugh. Layoffs sadly happened, and that boss has never used that phrase ever again.