I get a call as our small company’s tech guy.

Me: “Tech support, how can I help?”

Boss: “Some of the new equipment is missing some bulbs.”

Me: “Like, lightbulbs?”

Boss: “Yeah.”

Me: “Maintenance can deal with that.”

Boss: “Can’t you fix it in software?”

Me: “Yes. We can now create real objects in code.”

Boss: “Oh, well… I guess when you put it like that.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s a risk to ‘Tron’ that stuff from the mainframe into the real world. Could bring back some bad guys…”

I was a bar manager for a local upscale joint in the Midwest. The weather turned nasty one day, so I stayed while everyone else left throughout the afternoon as things worsened.

Around mid-afternoon, I’m walking out of the place after the radio has said the tornado risks are too high to stay open. 

Everyone has left, and I’m walking to my car in the parking lot when two things happen. The Tornado sirens start going off (under clouds that look like distilled death bearing down on us), and a gaggle of people is walking over, having just parked.

Me: *Shouting over the wind and siren.* “Restaurant is closed, I’m afraid! Tornado warning! Please seek shelter!”

Customer: “But we have a reservation!”

Me: “That… is not important right now. You need to head home or find shelter elsewhere!”

Customer: “But we have a reservation! You can’t close if we have a reservation!”

Me: “All reservations are cancelled!”

Customer: “You can’t do that!”

Me: “You’re welcome to stay here and wait for the tornado and take it up with that.”

I forcefully make my way to my car, and the last thing I hear before I close my door and start my engine is:

Customer: “—But we have a… reservation!”

A customer has made a purchase at my checkout. She has spent enough to earn a coupon.

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “A free shipping for online coupon.”

Customer: “Oh. How much do I save?”

Me: “It depends on how much you order, but you can save a maximum of $40.”

Customer: “Can I use this free shipping coupon in store?”

Me: “Well, no, haha, it’s already here.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I want the price of shipping taken off my purchase. Give me $40.”

Me: “You have to buy these items online to get the free shipping discount. It doesn’t apply to store-bought items because… well… you’re in the store.”

Customer: “Okay, refund all this stuff. I’ll buy it all online and get my $40 discount.”

Me: “It’s not a discount in that sense, ma’am. You would still pay the exact same amount you’re paying now; you just wouldn’t have to pay the shipping fee.”

Customer: “So you admit that if I order all this stuff online, I would get something for free that I wouldn’t get otherwise?”

Me: “Technically? Yes.”

Customer: “Refund everything.”

I called my manager over to process the refund. The manager had the exact same conversation with the customer, but they could not be convinced that they weren’t gaining anything extra by doing the refund and re-ordering online. She walked out with her coupon, smug as a bug.

Later that afternoon, I’m helping a coworker gather some items for an online order pickup, and the items are beginning to look familiar. I take a look at the order screen.

Me: “You gotta be kidding.”

Coworker: “What is it?”

Me: “After all that, she’s coming back to the store anyway?”

Coworker: “Who is coming back?”

I explain the story to my coworker, who looks as confused as I must do. The same customer does indeed come back to collect the same items shortly before we close. I couldn’t help but say something.

Me: “So, you decided to come to the store to collect them after all?”

Customer: “Oh, you again. Yes, I ordered online, but the nearest delivery slot was in three days, and I need this stuff tomorrow, so I changed it to store pickup. At least I didn’t have to pay that delivery fee, though!”

After all that, she still thought she pulled one over on us. After two car rides, time wasted on a refund, and no savings made whatsoever, she still thinks she’s won.

Related:
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 37
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 36
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 35
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 34
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 33

I used to work at a chain retail store. This guy put about eight or so items into a basket and brought them to the cashier

Customer: “Hi! So, I left a bag behind at your other location and just want these replacements. You’re all the same company, right?”

Cashier: “Can I see your receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t have it.”

Cashier: “How did you pay?”

Customer: “Cash.”

Cashier: “Is there literally anything I can use for proof of purchase?”

Customer: “Yeah, me telling you.”

Cashier: “Sir, every location uses a separate bank, different accounts, different inventory system; it doesn’t all just go into a big cash swimming pool.”

Customer: “But I’ve already paid for these items!”

Cashier: “Sir, I have no doubt that you have paid for and left the exact items in this basket in the other location. But… man, it just doesn’t work that way.”

The human (i.e., not corporate-sounding) way the cashier said that last part made the customer realize this wasn’t gonna work, and he huffed, dropped the basket, and stormed out.

I remember when I was a teen, working at a late-night pizza slice place to help pay for college. A group of girls came in for some slices and tried something with the worst possible choice of worker:

The girls order their pizzas, and then one of them turns around and shows off a tattoo of a pizza slice on her lower back.

Customer: “Because I literally have this inked permanently on my body, I can get my pizza for free, right?”

My coworker nonchalantly turns around and shows off her own lower back tattoo, this time showing a wad of cash.

Coworker: “Because I literally have this inked permanently on my body, I can get payment for the pizza, right?”

The girl was frozen; her face was blue-screening while her friends just laughed their a**es off and made fun of her. Definitely one of my more memorable memories of the late nineties!