Twenty-some years ago, I moved to a small town in southern Kansas to start a teaching job. After a few weeks, I needed a haircut. I found a barbershop on Main Street with a clever name. The sign clearly stated they accepted walk-ins and wouldn’t be closing for another thirty minutes.

I walked in to find two men in their fifties wearing barber smocks. One was slouched in a barber chair, turned away from the mirror; the other was leaning against a counter with his arms crossed. They were clearly mid-conversation, but they stopped and stared as I entered.

Me: “Hello! Sorry to interrupt, but is there time for one more cut this afternoon?”

Seated Barber: “No.”

There is a long, deafening silence. Neither man moves. They just continue to stare at me.

Me: “…”

I turned toward the door, fully expecting a “Just kidding, pal! Hop in the chair!” but the silence followed me all the way to the sidewalk. I found a different shop the next week and stayed a loyal customer there for nearly twenty years. To this day, I have no idea if I interrupted a private meeting or if they simply didn’t feel like working for that final half-hour.

I’m a hairdresser. A woman sits down in my chair and puts a photo on her phone in front of me.

Customer: “I want this.”

Me: “Beautiful, that’s totally doable. Is your hair colored at the moment?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Great, so we’d need to lighten it quite a bit to get to this blonde—”

Customer: “—I don’t want to go blonde.”

Me: “…This photo is of a blonde.”

Customer: “I want the style. Not the color.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. What color were you thinking?”

Customer: “My natural color.”

Me: “Perfect, so we’re just doing the cut today then.”

Customer: “And the color.”

Me: “…Your natural color?”

Customer: “I want it to look natural. But better.”

Me: “Do you mean like a gloss, or a toner, just to enhance—”

Customer: “—I want it to look exactly like it grew out of my head that way.”

Me: “Right.”

Customer: “But you can tell someone did something to it.”

Me: “So natural, but visibly styled.”

Customer: “Exactly. Is that hard?”

I looked at her in the mirror for a moment.

Me: “Ma’am, that is literally just called hair.”

We did a balayage. She loved it. She told me it looked very natural.

I was getting my hair cut a while ago, and an older woman popped her head into the shop and asked:

Customer: “How long is the wait for a walk-in?”

The lady cutting my hair said, while pointing at my head:

Salon Employee: “I’m cutting his hair right now, so about thirty minutes.”

She was the only worker currently in the shop.

Customer: “Oh. Well, how long will the wait be if my husband also gets his hair cut?”

Salon Employee: “…It’ll still be thirty minutes; I have to finish this job first.”

Customer: “But there are two of us!”

Salon Employee: “And there’s just one of me, so the time doesn’t change. Unless you’re expecting me to just throw this guy out of the shop mid-haircut and jump on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to give two haircuts instead of one?”

The other customer pops her head out in a huff, and she has to pause cutting my hair for a moment while I laugh.

Caller: “I’m calling to confirm my appointment.

Me: “Your appointment is scheduled for 1:15 pm on Sunday.”

Caller: “Sunday? Isn’t that daylight savings day?”

Me: “I believe so. We will see you at 1:15 on Sunday.”

Caller: “So I have to come in an hour early because of daylight savings, right?”

Me: “You don’t need to come in until 1:15.”

Caller: “But because of daylight savings, I’ll be late if I show up at 1:15, even though that’s my scheduled time, right?”

Me: “How about I move your appointment to 2:15, and then you just show up at 1:15 and you’ll be on time?”

Caller: “That’s great! Thank you for being so accommodating!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank] customer service. How may I assist you today?”

Caller: “Yeah, so I got a haircut today, and I don’t like it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you’re calling [Bank].”

Caller: “Yeah, I know. I paid for the haircut using my [Bank] card.”

Me: “Okay, and what did you need my assistance with?”

Caller: “I already told you, I don’t like my haircut. I want the money back that I spent on it.”

Me: “So you wanted to dispute the charge?”

Caller: “No, because I still wanna go back there to get my nails done. They do really good nails, just not haircuts.”

Me: “I’m not following, ma’am.”

Caller: *Scoffs.* “Oh my God, keep up! I can’t cancel the charge with them as that would be soooo embarrassing and I could never go back there, but I wanna go back there, so I was kinda hoping that [Bank] could just give me the money back.”

Me: “You want [Bank] to credit your account with the amount you spent on your haircut, without claiming the money back from the hair salon?”

Caller: “Yeah! Now you’re getting it!”

Me: “We can’t do that, ma’am.”

Caller: “Yeah, you can!”

Me: “No, we can’t. You’re essentially asking for [Bank] to pay for your haircut.”

Caller: “Well, yeah! You’re a bank! You got lotsa money!”

Me: “That’s not how it works, ma’am.”

Caller: *Long drawn out sigh.* “God, all you banks are the same! All you care about is money!” *Click.*

Well, I mean… yeah?