This story takes place in 2002, when cell phones weren’t as commonplace in my general vicinity. Of my friend group, only one had a cell phone, and it had plenty of nuances. One of those nuances was that it would occasionally not dial out to 800 numbers.

Said friend was out driving one sunny weekend when his car started acting up. He tried to limp it to a gas station, but he didn’t make it that far.

Naturally, his phone decided it would not call 800 numbers that day, so [Friend] was unable to connect with his roadside assistance program.

So, he called me. I was sitting in my dorm room, about fifty miles away, studying for finals. Long story short, could I please call roadside assistance? I don’t drive a tow truck, but I did want to help my friend, so I agreed. I got his location, license plate number, and roadside assistance membership number.

Despite being over twenty years ago, this interaction is burned in my brain forever.

Representative #1: “Thank you for calling [Roadside Assistance Company]. I’m [Representative #1]. Are you in a safe place?”

Me: “Hi, [Representative #1]. I’m actually calling on behalf of my friend. His cell isn’t working, but his car is broken down along the outerbelt, so no, he is not in a safe place.”

Representative #1: “I’m sorry to hear that. Where are you?”

Me: “I’m in my dorm room, but that’s not important. I’m calling for my friend. His name is [Friend], and his membership number is—”

Representative #1: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. If you’re not the member, I can’t talk to you.”

Me: “Okay, then can I give you his phone number? His phone won’t call out right now, but perhaps you could call him.”

Representative #1: “Where is he?”

Me: “He’s on I-270, the outerbelt around Columbus, Ohio, heading east.”

I gave some more details.

Representative #1: “Okay, so he’s on the road. “

Me: “Yes.”

Representative #1: “Where is this 70?”

Me: “He’s not on 70, he’s on 270. Those are different highways.”

Representative #1: “Okay, what state is this for?”

Me: “Ohio.”

Representative #1: “What city?”

Me: “Columbus.”

The representative hemmed and hawed, and I heard the sound of pages being flipped.

Representative #1: “That’s not a city in Ohio. Are you sure he isn’t in Georgia? There’s a Columbus there.”

Me: “Nope. Columbus, Ohio. It’s the state capital.”

Representative #1: “Noooope. Don’t think it is. Well, what is it near?”

Me: “It’s in the center of the state. It’s one of the three major cities in Ohio.”

Representative #1: *Scoffs* “No, it isn’t. Is it near Akron?”

Me: “No.”

Representative #1: “Cleveland?”

Me: “No.”

Representative #1: “Lima?”

Me: “No.”

Representative #1: “Youngstown?”

Me: “No.”

Representative #1: “How do you spell it?”

Me: “C-O-L-U-M-B-U-S.”

Representative #1: “Nope, sorry, no listings for Columbus, Ohio. I don’t know what to tell you.”

Me: “Well, could you pull up my friend’s account, or give him a call and let him know that Columbus, Ohio doesn’t exist?”

Representative #1: “No. Hey, this is a prank call, isn’t it?”

Then, he hung up.

I called back, and a new representative answered.

Representative #2: “Thank you for calling [Roadside Assistance Company]. I’m [Representative #2]. Are you in a safe place?”

Me: “I’m calling on behalf of my friend. His car is broken down along a busy freeway in Columbus, Ohio, and he needs a tow. His cell phone is not calling out.”

Representative #2: “Oh, I can’t talk to you.”

Me: “I understand. Can I give you his membership number and phone number? Would you guys be able to contact him?”

Representative #2: “Sure thing!”

I provided the information.

Representative #2: “Columbus, Ohio? Never heard of that before. Where’s Columbus? Do you guys have lots of farms and stuff?”

Me: “Not in the city.”

Representative #2: “Okay, I’ve got one of my guys calling him now. It looks like the closest service to Columbus is in Cincinnati?”

Me: “Cincinnati is two hours away from Columbus.”

Representative #2: “Wow, I don’t see a listing for Columbus. Huh. Well, we’ll get your friend off the road. Thanks for calling!”

[Friend] reported that he was called, and a tow truck arrived within about half an hour. The tow truck driver then asked [Friend] why he wanted to tow his car to Toledo when he could just have it towed to the shop near [Friend]’s apartment. The tow truck driver found it hilarious that Columbus had somehow stopped existing since his business, which is part of the roadside assistance network, is in Columbus. Somehow they found him. Somehow…

It is the beginning of winter and it’s starting to get very cold at night. One cold day, I realize that my car is very low on gas and go to fill it up at the gas station. When I try to fill it, the automatic stop function keeps turning the gas off after barely putting any in my tank. If I manually hold it, the gas splashes back out of the tank. Some of you may know what is likely happening, but I do not and I call over the gas station attendant.

The gas station attendant tries the same thing I am doing with the same results. He also happens to have a friend filling up, and they both look at the pump and my tank, try some troubleshooting, and chat with each other. Eventually, they come to a conclusion. To preface, they both have accents that lead me to think they are not from the area, and I have no idea if the following is something that happens in other countries or if a language barrier made the communication even stranger.

Gas Station Attendant: “Someone has put something down in your car. Down in the tank. Did you put something there?”

Me: “There is something in my gas tank? No, I definitely didn’t put anything in there.”

I’m thinking maybe they have seen this happen before.

Gas Station Attendant: “Yes. You did not put anything there? No? Perhaps you have… an enemy? Someone who is angry and put something in your car? Do you have any enemies?”

Me: *Even more confused* “No, I don’t think I have any enemies.”

I ended up leaving without gas, and after sharing the story with my family, my dad explained that with the weather change and low fuel level, what had likely happened was that a small amount of water in the tank had frozen and was preventing gas from entering. I had to get rides to school for a few days until it got above freezing. And to my knowledge, I did not have an enemy!

My school is hybrid with students coming in part-time due to full-time viral yuck. A student emails me that she may have been exposed to viral yuck and wants me to know she’s quarantined. I call her to check in on her.

Me: “So, you went out with friends and one of them tested positive afterward?”

Student: “Yes, ma’am. I didn’t even hang out with her that much.”

Me: “You were in different rooms the whole time?”

Student: “No, but we only got near each other to pass what we were smoking.”

Me: “…”

Student: “What?”

Me: “First of all, why are you telling me that part? Second, you put your mouth on something that had her saliva and breath on it?”

Student: “Well, now that you put it that way, I’m worried.”

I’m buying groceries like usual when an item won’t scan.

Cashier: “I’m sorry, but this item isn’t scanning up.”

Me: “Oh, no problem. I’m not in a rush.”

Cashier: “I guess that must mean it’s free, then!”

Me: “I… Uhhh… Pardon?”

She called for a price check, but I never expected to be on the receiving end of that line!

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “Fine.”

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer: “Sure.”

I start ringing her items up.

Customer: “No, that’s supposed to be 50% off.”

Me: “All right, no problem! Let me ask someone to double-check that for you.”

I call my coworker over our headsets and ask.

Coworker: “Nope, no discount off of these.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, it doesn’t have a discount on it.”

Customer: “Whatever. I don’t want it, then.”

I continue to ring her items and she asks about several more that are “supposed” to have a discount.

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, my coworker said there’s no discount on most of these.”

Customer: “Let me speak to your manager, then.”

I call the manager over.

Manager: “What seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “Your employee isn’t giving me the discount on these items!”

Manager: “All right, let me check this for you.”

He checks for any sale prices on any of the items and comes up with nothing.

Customer: “Ugh! You people are so selfish with your discounts!”

She then stormed off without any of the items, leaving my manager and me there wondering what had just happened.

Related:
Don’t Discount The Customer’s Ability To Discount, Part 17
Don’t Discount The Customer’s Ability To Discount, Part 16
Don’t Discount The Customer’s Ability To Discount, Part 15
Don’t Discount The Customer’s Ability To Discount, Part 14
Don’t Discount The Customer’s Ability To Discount, Part 13