I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with my hair, and the more I think about it, the more confused I become.
Growing up, my hair was almost always relaxed. I remember sitting in the salon while the chemicals burned my scalp and being told that the burning meant it was working. Afterward, everyone would talk about how long, silky, or pretty my hair looked. I learned very early that straight hair brought compliments. It made adults proud. It made school pictures easier. It made me feel like I had done something right.
When my roots started growing back, I felt embarrassed. I hated how thick they were and how difficult they seemed to manage. I counted down the weeks until my next relaxer because I did not feel put together without one.
As an adult, I eventually decided to stop relaxing my hair. Part of the decision was practical because my hair had become thin and damaged, but another part of me wanted to see what my natural hair actually looked like. I thought going natural would feel freeing.
Sometimes it does.
There are days when I love my curls. I love the fullness, the versatility, and the feeling of seeing something that genuinely belongs to me. But there are also days when I look in the mirror and feel frustrated. I worry that my hair looks messy, unfinished, or unprofessional. Before important meetings, interviews, weddings, and other events, I still find myself reaching for a wig or scheduling a silk press because I want to feel polished and attractive.
Then I feel guilty.
I wonder whether wearing straight styles means I still have not accepted myself. I wonder whether I genuinely like wigs and extensions or whether I only like the way people treat me when I wear them. I notice that I receive more compliments when my hair is long and straight, and I hate how much those compliments still affect me.
At the same time, I sometimes feel judged by other Black women when I do not wear my natural hair. There is so much language about embracing our crowns and loving the hair that grows from our heads. I understand and appreciate that message, but sometimes it leaves me wondering whether I am failing at self-love because I still enjoy styles that change my texture.
I do not want every appointment, hairstyle, or beauty decision to become a test of whether I love myself enough.
How do I know what I actually prefer when my preferences were shaped by so many messages before I was old enough to question them? Is it possible to love myself and still choose wigs, extensions, relaxers, or straight styles? How do I separate what I truly want from what I was taught to want?
Signed,
Still Untangling It
Dear Still Untangling It,
I felt the tension in your letter because so many of us know what it is like to stand in front of the mirror and wonder whether we are seeing ourselves clearly or through the eyes of everyone who taught us what was beautiful.
You learned early that straight hair brought compliments. It made you feel polished, pretty, and approved of. Those messages do not simply disappear because you have grown older or become more aware of where they came from. Sometimes they remain in the quiet discomfort you feel when your roots grow out, the hesitation before wearing your natural hair to an important event, or the confidence that seems to arrive more easily when your hair is long and straight.
Please do not shame yourself for that.
You were paying attention to the world around you, just as children do. You noticed which version of you received praise, and you adapted. That does not mean you failed to love yourself. It means you learned how to find acceptance within the standards you were given.
Now, you have the opportunity to become more curious about those standards and decide which ones you still want to carry.
When you choose a hairstyle, you might gently ask yourself: Do I feel like I am moving toward something I enjoy, or away from something I am afraid others will reject? Does this style feel creative, easy, playful, or beautiful to me? Or do I feel as though I need it before I can be considered presentable?
Sometimes the answer will be both, and that is okay.
You may genuinely love a silk press and still recognize that straight hair has often been rewarded differently. You may enjoy wigs because they are beautiful and convenient, while also noticing that they make you feel safer in certain spaces. Your choices do not have to be perfectly uncomplicated to be yours.
I also want you to release the idea that wearing your natural hair is the only evidence of self-love. You do not owe anyone a hairstyle that proves you are proud, healed, confident, or connected to your identity. You are allowed to love the hair that grows from your head and still enjoy changing it.
Your hair belongs to you.
You can wear it curly, straight, braided, covered, extended, cropped, or tucked away. None of those choices can add to or take away from your worth.
The goal is not to identify one hairstyle that proves you are finally free. It is to build enough trust with yourself that your choices are no longer controlled by shame.
Keep listening for your own voice. It may be quieter than the voices you grew up hearing, but it is there. And with time, I believe you will recognize it more clearly.
With care,
Dr. Sandra
Hi there, I’m Dr. Sandra Yankah Addo. If you have ever lain awake at night replaying the day, feeling like you are carrying everyone’s load but your own, you are not alone. That is exactly where I meet people. In therapy with me, you will find both warmth and clarity, and a space where the parts of you that usually stay hidden finally get to breathe. My work centers on helping clients move through anxiety, burnout, big life transitions, and the quiet exhaustion of always being the strong one.
We’d love to hear what’s on your heart. Use the form below to submit an anonymous question. You might see your letter featured in a future post answered by one of our licensed psychologists at The Black Girl Doctor.
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