Exhale

For the past two months, I felt like we were standing in place, unable to move forward, unable to make future plans; everything hinging on Caden’s last round of chemo, and the next biopsy to know what was next for us. All signs were pointing to inpatient stays and a second bone marrow biopsy. Life, completely interrupted, and family separated, yet again. The worry and anxiety became so deafening that I began simply focusing on taking things one day at a time. When my thoughts would begin to wander to places outside of my control, I would ground myself by thinking of where I was in that moment, on that day. Nothing more. One day at a time. The Bible tells us God provides all we need, and that we shouldn’t worry about tomorrow, so I began putting that into practice. I’m hardly an expert at it, but I will say it did calm my anxious heart.

It was when I began just focusing on today though, that I realized how much time we, as a society, focus on all of the tomorrows. Not that this is a bad thing, but so many conversations would turn to, “So what are planting in your garden?” or “Are you guys going on any trips this summer?” or “What are you doing for the Fourth?” I never knew how to answer, because I didn’t know what the answer was.

Would we be home? Would we be in Seattle?

I didn’t know, and I didn’t want to think about it. I delayed starting my garden, because I was afraid I wouldn’t be home this summer to tend to it. When I finally did start planting, I decided to forgo most of the usual veggies, and went for bright, cheerful flowers, because that’s what made me happy. If we were going to be gone a lot, I didn’t want to come home on a rare occasion to find dead, neglected vegetables, I wanted to see tall, colorful flowers, to remind me of God’s beauty and goodness. Surprisingly, I found that working in the garden became one of my most favorite escapes over the last several weeks. Going outside and getting lost in the dirt and pulling out weeds was the perfect way to quiet my thoughts and questions about the future.

I’m ecstatic to share that last week we received the news that Caden’s most recent bone marrow biopsy came back negative for all sign of disease. Remission again.

We are especially happy with these results, because his counts were high when they did the biopsy, so we know these results came from a good sample of cells. The plan for now is to continue doing several more cycles of IV chemo and oral chemo every 4 to 5 weeks.

I have been reading in the Book of Mark lately, and all of the miracles Jesus performed in healing sick people. As I prayed for Caden’s healing, I imagined bringing him to the feet of Jesus, just as the people did in the Book of Mark. I know that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He performs miracles today the same as he did when he walked this earth. I also know that sometimes, the answer is no. I would never venture to suggest a reason why some people are healed and some are not. For now, I am trusting in Jesus for complete, lifelong remission of Caden’s cancer, and I am trusting in him to stay with us as we continue on this road.