Sliding Doors

When I was in high school, I loved the movie “Sliding Doors”, with Gwyneth Paltrow. If you’ve never seen it, it’s about a woman who heads home early after getting fired from work. She just barely makes it onto a subway train before the doors close behind her, and because of this, she gets home in time to find that her boyfriend is cheating on her. The movie then splits into alternate realities, and in this second reality, she just barely misses the subway, thus not discovering her the truth about her relationship at that time. The movie then weaves through these alternate realities and the differing directions her life goes in each one - all because she got on one subway train versus another.

When I got the phone call in October from Caden’s doctors explaining that the cancer was back, I kept feeling like I was living in my own version of “Sliding Doors”. All of my plans and expectations, the path of remission we had been following so well, they kept playing out in my mind - I felt as if in some alternate universe there was another version of all of us, staying that course. 

When he had his bone marrow transplant in April 2023, we were told if he stayed in remission for 2 years, then the doctors wouldn’t worry about it ever coming back, and we would be in the clear, so to speak. Caden being in remission for 18 months had us all in a place where we felt pretty secure. We were only 6 months away from the ALL CLEAR. We were starting to discuss pushing out clinic appointments to every 2 months, rather than monthly. He was off almost every single medication. We were looking ahead to Survivorship Clinic. Life was so close to normal, I could almost taste it.

And then with a single phone call, a single molecular level test, everything shifted.

In my mind I could see us continuing on as we had planned, Caden stayed in remission, and the holidays weren’t interrupted with chemotherapy and inpatient stays for fevers. Caden didn’t have to go back on numerous medications, and get poked with needles week after week. We had the peace that only remission can bring. And then April would come around, and we would joyfully celebrate that 2 year mark - our finish line! Cancer would be forever in the past. 

I walked through this past holiday season fantasizing about how life SHOULD have been. I was desperate to go back to life before that phone call, desperate to be back on the remission path. Finally though, I came to terms with relapse. This is part of our story, as much as I hate it, and as much as I don't understand it. I still believe God is using all of this for his glory. I am trying to see what it is he wants me to learn while we walk this heartbreaking road where the finish line has moved several times, and now exists in limbo. 

I work hard to keep my mind on today, and today alone. I cannot look too far down the road. I read something recently about how having an attitude of thankfulness can actually create new neural pathways in the brain, and I practice giving thanks multiple times a day. Despite the challenges, God has blessed us greatly and I know that. Rather than worrying about scary what if’s, I have started turning them into positive ones. What if everything turns out okay?

This week I am thankful that Caden was able to complete five days of IV chemo. His counts are still slow to recover, so we haven’t been able to start his chemo pill yet for this round. On Monday he will have another biopsy and we are hoping to get a good sample of cells, so the doctors may have a better idea of where we will go from here. As we sit with the unknown, we love hard on one another, and keep praising God in the waiting. God is a good and faithful father and we keep our trust firmly in him. Thank you for praying for our family.