Hidden Strengths: Four Reasons We Don’t Recognize Our Own Strengths

Everything I told you is true, except for the last two sentences. I was referring to Steven Paul Jobs, better known as Steve Jobs. After his stint at Atari, Jobs went on to co-found Apple, whose products are beloved by millions around the world.

Jobs had high confidence in his own abilities and never allowed the naysayers to squash his dreams. But imagine an alternate version of history where Jobs lacked confidence and didn’t recognize his own strengths. Perhaps his career would have unfolded quite differently.

Most of us will never have careers that rival Jobs’, but his life offers important lessons about recognizing and managing our strengths and weaknesses.

I’m convinced that many people have hidden strengths—those hidden from themselves and sometimes from others. Here, I’m using strengths broadly to refer to character strengths, skills, talents, or even biological assets. Many people, especially those from marginalized backgrounds, can’t see their strengths because they have internalized messages from others about their weaknesses.

Uncovering your hidden strengths isn’t about boosting your ego. Rather, recognizing your strengths enables you to use them more intentionally and make a stronger contribution to others, the organization you work for, and society.

Here’re four reasons you might have difficulty recognizing your strengths.

1. The Shadow

Like Steve Jobs, you might have one or more glaring weaknesses that are closely connected to your strengths. For Jobs, his rebelliousness and creativity went hand in hand, as did his restlessness and curiosity.

I call these weaknesses the Shadow because they seem to follow you wherever you go. The problem is that you, and perhaps the people in your life, might recognize only the Shadow and not the strengths attached to it. Imagine someone who sees their own shadow every day but has never seen their reflection in a mirror. That’s what it’s like to fixate on your weaknesses without recognizing your strengths.

Perhaps your coworkers and family members see your Shadow. You’ve been told repeatedly that you have a problem with _____ and that you need to change.

If this sounds familiar, you’ll likely need to manage your Shadow to be successful in life. But completely eliminating the Shadow may not be helpful. Because your Shadow is so tightly welded to your strengths, eliminating one may mean weakening the other. This may require accepting that the Shadow will always be part of your life, although you can learn to tame it over time.

You might need a mentor or coach—someone to help you manage your Shadow. This means helping you channel your strengths without letting the Shadow run amok. Steve Jobs needed to learn how to be less abrasive without letting go of his high standards. A good mentor doesn’t try to turn the rebel into a conformist or the visionary into a bureaucrat. Rather, they help you build guardrails around your weaknesses while preserving the qualities that make you exceptional. The goal is not to eliminate the Shadow but to prevent it from controlling your life, while allowing your strengths to flourish.

2. Your Miscalibrated Strength

Another reason you can’t recognize your strength is that it’s miscalibrated. Your greatest weakness is often your greatest strength without training.

Here’s an example. Suppose you’re a big worrier. You catastrophize about everything you work on, often replaying worst-case scenarios on a loop in your mind. Even though you’re highly successful and those scenarios rarely occur, you recognize that your anxiety is wrecking your life.

To reduce your anxiety, a therapist might recommend evaluating your catastrophic thoughts and developing more realistic and optimistic ways of thinking. There’s nothing wrong with this approach. I’ve used it myself.

But consider an alternative possibility: what if you actually have the strength of defensive pessimism, but it’s miscalibrated? Psychologist Julie Norem explains that defensive pessimism is a strategy where people have low expectations and imagine what could go wrong before an important event. By thinking through worst-case scenarios, they turn anxiety into motivation, prepare more thoroughly, and develop plans to avoid potential problems. Interestingly, their anxiety typically does not interfere with their performance.

If you’re a defensive pessimist who experiences immense anxiety, I want to suggest a different way of thinking about it. Starting with the premise that you’ve a miscalibrated strength can be a game changer. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” you might say, “These thoughts are helping me identify potential problems so I can prepare well.”

Recalibrating your strengths requires wisdom. In some cases, it means learning to be more flexible in how you apply a strength, treating it as a dial that can be turned up or down, depending on the situation. In the case of defensive pessimism, it might mean learning to distinguish between situations where worrying is genuinely helpful and situations where it isn’t.

3. When Strengths Are Undervalued by Others

Maybe the problem is that you’ve a strength that’s undervalued by the people around you. The problem may not be you. Your environment may simply be a poor fit.

Perhaps you have the strength of woo, which Tom Rath describes as the ability to connect easily with new people and win them over. If your job is primarily administrative, but you love talking to people, whether customers or coworkers, you might be told repeatedly that you’re too distracted and distracting.

But perhaps you’re better off in a role that allows you to practice woo and be rewarded for it. Consider sales or marketing.

4. Your Superpower

Finally, your strength might be hiding in plain sight because it’s a superpower. I define a superpower as a strength that comes naturally and doesn’t require much effort to display. Examples include the ability to strike up a conversation with strangers without anxiety, overcome jet lag easily, or sleep soundly in any situation.

You might not recognize your superpower as a strength because it feels so effortless. Often, you begin to recognize it only when you realize that something that’s easy for you is difficult for others.

The thing is, you can’t really claim credit for your superpower. Depending on your belief system, you might say these gifts come from your genes, nature, or God. You can simply acknowledge your good fortune and express gratitude.

Identifying Your Strengths

Perhaps you’re keenly aware of your weaknesses but not your strengths. What can you do? One possibility is to take a strengths assessment such as the VIA Character Strengths Survey or the CliftonStrengths Assessment.

But there’s another path I highly recommend. Identify someone in your life who can be your strength-spotter—someone who can see past your weaknesses and identify your strengths. Someone who sees not only who you are, but who you could become if your strengths are properly harnessed. You could also refer to this person as the Encourager.

Ironically, the people who have known you the longest are not always the best strength-spotters. Familiarity can make strengths seem ordinary, not only to you but also to your loved ones.

You might need a mentor, coach, therapist, or friend with fresh eyes to help you uncover the strengths you take for granted. And no, it is not egotistical to ask someone to help you identify your strengths.

Reflections on Gratitude

If you’ve benefited from a strength-spotter who has been gracious with your weaknesses, take time to thank them. These individuals are truly gems and deserve your gratitude.

And you can pay it forward by being a strength-spotter yourself. Be gracious to people with glaring weaknesses. They might be diamonds in the rough. You may only be seeing their Shadow, not their strengths.

Once you learn to uncover others’ strengths, tell them. Forward this article to them and name their hidden strengths. Show them how they can allow their strengths to flourish, while managing their Shadow. Many people already receive constant feedback about the things in their lives they need to fix. Sometimes the gift they need most is someone showing them what they cannot yet see in themselves.