MAHA’S LATEST IS BIBLICAL EATING? PROPHET OR PROFIT?

It’s been a minute since we checked in with the MAHA movement and its super flatulent (just a wild guess) leader, RFK Jr., who is known most recently for his controversial stands such as agreeing our nation is “under-babied” (blech) and taking a hard look at antidepressants. Bad timing, Bobby. With Trump in power, this would seem a good time to focus less on restricting America’s access to antidepressants and focus more on ADDING THEM TO THE MUNICIPAL WATER SUPPLY.

Potato potahto, I guess.

As you know, MAHA stands for “Make America Healthy Again,” a movement embraced by RFK Jr. and his dorky class co-president Dr. Oz. If you’re thinking, “Fuck, I wouldn’t vote for those two for dogcatcher,” let me just remind you I completely and totally agree.

Today we’re going to focus on the latest MAHA weirdness: Biblical Eating. Yes, you read that right. Far be it for me to criticize anyone else’s diet choices mostly because my own fall somewhere between “abysmal” and “concerning.” So, part of me thinks if you wanna keep your eye on the sky for falling manna, you do you. But, to be clear, I will be over here in the Cook-Out drive-thru, ordering a “tray” for eight bucks. Cook-Out may be the only place on earth where a loaded cheeseburger is considered a SIDE. Biblically speaking, I believe we can all agree Cook-Out, while not technically heaven, is heaven-adjacent.

But wait. Where was I? Oh, yes. The rising popularity of “Biblical Eating.” The New York Times recently profiled a Biblical Eating Influencer. OK, first off. Can you imagine being asked by your fourth-grade teacher to write a little essay about what you want to be when you grow up and you say, “Biblical Eating Influencer”? Nurses? Doctors? Firefighters? Pffftt! BORING.

At the risk of sounding “Blockbuster was my spirit animal” levels of old, let me just say that shit doesn’t sound like a real job. It just doesn’t.