Trump’s Bloated Pool Budget Recalls My Home Improvement Projects

Master dealmaker/contractor Donald Jumlord Trump’s ballooning reflection pool “upgrade” reminds me of some of the more involved projects we’ve done on our 105-year old house. Before I found a stable of geniuses that really knows what they’re doing, I had to dance with a few clowns.

Estimates were always presented on clipboards as though this made it all hugely official. And, to a person, they would point at the circled estimate at the bottom and say: “Well, if you want it done right…”

This always made me laugh because it’s not like I’m going to say: “Oh, no, my dear man. I would like the shittiest job imaginable! Want it done right? Hahahahahahaha! That’s for OTHER people. We want the slipshodiest, jankiest thing you can do.”

If you want it done right. How fucking else would I want it done?

When it comes to Trump’s wholly unnecessary redo of the iconic reflecting pool between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument he has, of course, failed to do due diligence. For someone who crows about his mad contractor skills I get the feeling Trump might mistake a bucket of joint compound for ranch dressing.

Is he lying to us or just stupid? How did the promised $1.5 million price tag (because he “knew some guys”) blow up to $13.4 million in a week? If I want to see that kind of inexplicable markup, I’ll just have lunch at Panera. Nine times?!? Oh, wait. I think these guys did my bathroom a few years back.

Trump promised he had friends who built swimming pools giving him a great rate, so where did they go? Asking for a nation.

You can detect sleaze if your prospective contractor says “Normally, it’s (inflated price) but FOR YOU!” Awww. You feel special. It’s like you’re at Benihana and they’re going to set that onion ring volcano on fire FOR YOU because it’s your birthday. Don’t fall for it!

Are we going to see Trump respond to this outrageous increase like a normal person? Will we see a post from “Burned in D.C.” on the NextDoor app cryptically asking, “Will the gentlemen who charged me way too much for swimming pool work please refund my money?!”

My guess is the $1.5 million was never mentioned anywhere except in Trump’s imagination. He made it up, as he does almost everything that comes out of his prevaricating piehole.

It’s hard to imagine how the job will be finished in less than two months since they’ve pretty much torn everything to shit but that’s the estimate. Hahahaha! Look, we’ve all had home improvement projects get out of hand. And we all, at least those of us with older homes, know to automatically triple whatever time is given for completion. This is a hard and fast rule that we all know.

Three months is really nine. No exceptions. It just is.

So, I’m not sure how Trump’s crackerjack team of swimming pool fixers from a company no one seems to know anything about is going to have this project ready in time for July 4.

Unless, of course, he doesn’t want it “done right.” This wouldn’t surprise me. Maybe Trump said, “Fellas, just do the bare minimum, OK?” Can’t you just picture his tiny hands batting at the air like he’s playing a concertina: “I don’t care if it’s done right. I mean, have you seen what I did to the Rose Garden?”

One of Trump’s goofiest lies involves his clam that “13 or 15” (?) truckloads of trash were removed from the reflecting pool. Magic 8 Ball says … NAH.

There are no photos of this, no work orders and no invoices. BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENED. It just sounds dramatic. OK, I can play, too. Maybe it wasn’t just Shake Shack bags bobbing around in the pool. Maybe it was the tattered remnants of the souls of all the Republican members of Congress. That’s at least 15 truckloads worth of trash. Just sayin’.