Trump Hears Rare “No” on Plan for $250 Bill but Will It Last?

The best quote I’ve read about the Trump Administration in a long while was in today’s Washington Post. The source, sadly anonymous, was explaining the impracticality of Trump’s plan to issue a $250 bill with his face on it in time for the nation’s birthday in July.

“These guys think you can just print something overnight and it’s going to work in an ATM. It’s just crazy. It takes years and years and years to produce these notes, so they are reliable for the public.”

Thank you nameless Voice of Reason. I think I love the quote so much because it speaks to Trump’s dangerous impulsivity (destroying D.C., one national landmark at a time) and his unfathomable ignorance about pretty much everything.

Trump rules with a style that is less “presidential” than, say, “toddler-banging-his-fist-on-his-high-chair-tray.”

He wants his face on a new $250 bill and he WANTS IT NOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!

I wonder who lost the coin toss outside the Oval Office to tell him there were a few hiccups with this $250 bill idea.

Oh, I hope it was my LEAST FAVORITE TRUMPY BUREAUCRAT, the reliably awful treasury secretary Scott Bessent who sits around in one of his 18 bazillion houses, swirling 400-year old brandy and commenting to his billionaire friends, “I wonder what the poor people are doing tonight.”

Can’t you just hear Trump’s handlers trying to gently let him down? Like the awful king in Rumpelstiltskin demanding, impossibly, that straw be spun into gold, Trump must be constantly appeased, applauded and assuaged. When someone says “No” they are fired or demoted. Which is exactly what happened to Patty Solimene, the longtime director of the printing bureau who explained the $250 bill would have to clear “legal and procedural obstacles” and it would take years longer than they envisioned.

In the end, Solimene was rewarded with a demotion and she subsequently quit. Not to worry. There’s probably some J-6’er or Proud Boy or BUM (Bitter Unlaid MAGA) with zero experience who can be hired as her replacement.

Experience? Knowledge? That’s for suckers and losers.

Whoever broke the news that things weren’t going so great with printing the $250 bill WITH TRUMP’S MUG SHOT on it was, I hope, wearing a poncho because I bet he slung that ketchup like a zoo chimp flinging poo at a fat toddler.

How could Trump be surprised to find out there’s a lot more to U.S. currency than printing prize coupons at Chuck E. Cheese? It’s called the BUREAU OF ENGRAVING. That should tip him off it’s going to take for-fucking-ever. I think I’m still waiting on a Speidel I.D. bracelet with my junior high boyfriend’s name on it.

It took more than a decade, the Post reported, to design and produce a $100 bill with its dozens of embedded security features to prevent counterfeiting.

There was more bad news for Trump. Turns out, it’s against the law to print currency with the face of someone who is still alive. Yes! You have to be dead and therefore unable to even enjoy taking your pals to a movie and saying, “Ha! That’s me you know!” when you pay.

(And shame on y’all out there who tweet “Cholesterol, do your job!!” although, yeah, that’s pretty funny.) Has Trump never noticed our legal tender skews heavily toward long-dead white guys wearing powdered wigs and fussy collars? It’s because they are our founders and they are EXTREMELY dead.

Now because he is famously out of touch with ordinary Americans and their problems, Trump believes we will soon walk around with a fat roll of $250 bills for the vending machine. And we will pause and admire the handsome felon, er, fellow on the front. In Trump’s moldy focaccia brain, when people say, “I can’t pay for food or medicine” he hears, “Sir, your wisdom is exceeded only by your handsomeness.”

He’s as crazy as a $250 bill, that one.