What if nothing I do will ever make a difference?

This morning I was on my daily bushwalk. Surrounded by trees still wet from last night’s storm, feeling exhausted yet again from a broken’s nights sleep, I found myself pondering something I’d only ever hovered over before:

What if nothing I ever do will ever make a difference…?

It wasn’t a hopeless thought. It wasn’t a thought of self-pity, powerlessness or despair.

It was alive with curiosity.

I asked myself this question again and again with different challenges I’ve had that have not yet been fully resolved.

What if nothing I do will ever make a difference… to my sleep and I’ll spend the rest of my life somewhat sleep-deprived, depending on coffee to get things done?

My genuine answer? I guess I’d just see what I could do with the energy and brain power I have each day and decide that it was enough. And try to have fun within that limitation.

Then my thoughts switched to the next challenge:

What if nothing I do will ever make a difference… to my digestive system and I have to spend the rest of my life with varying levels of gastric distress, never sure if the food or drink I’m having will be a problem or not?

My genuine answer? If I knew it wasn’t going to change, I’d stop trying so hard to figure it out. I’d stop being so meticulous with my food, trying to find the perfect foods and supplements for my body. I’d focus on having a bit more fun within the limitations I had.

My mind liked this game and it flicked to the next one:

What if nothing I do will ever make a difference… to my menstrual cycle and I’ll have to keep going through these horrific, out-of-control mood swings that make me collapse on the floor in tears of utter despair every time my period rolls around?

My answer? I guess I’d find a way to cope. I guess I’d be even firmer with my calendar so there is no way anyone expects me to work or travel or visit with anyone during that time. I guess I’d give myself full permission to go deep into retreat to nurture my precious body the way women used to before we started expecting women to behave like men.

Next:

What if nothing I do will ever make a difference… to the health of my family members? What if they never take a single scrap of my advice and they keep running themselves into the ground until their messy, awful end?

My answer? I’d love them more fiercely. I’d be so present when I got to be with them in person and not waste a single moment. I’d remind myself that I have the skills to meet my own emotional experiences when things get hard so that I could get back to truly being with them while I had them.

And:

What if nothing I do will ever make a difference… to the endless wars, the political unrest, and the seemingly never-ending natural disasters that cause so many people to lose their lives? What if the truly scary storms, like the two we had this week that scared the living life out of me, keep happening?

I’d be more present with what I have, with the preciousness of my life, my family, my community, and with this chunk of bush I am walking in with these wallabies I get to watch hop away with extraordinarily large jumps given their little bodies. I’d spend even more time being here now.

As my walk continued I went through more scenarios in my head. I asked more questions. I pondered more challenges. Given my sleep-deprived state and my slow creep toward another of those crushingly difficult periods that seem to be a feature of my current peri-menopausal state, I was able to find a lot of problems.

On hopeful days, when I’ve slept better than not and ingested food is agreeing with me and I get any kind of happy news from any part of my family, then my mostly low-level problems seem to fade into the background. However, today they were loud and very much alive.

And this gave me the chance to explore this “what if?”

What if nothing, of all the many things I try to do on a minute-by-minute, day-by-day, week-by-week basis to try and solve each and every one of these challenges, will ever make a difference? What then?

And the answer I got every single time was some version of this:

I would accept things as they are. I would accept myself and others as they are. I would be more grateful for everything I do have and prioritise enjoying what I have.

I noticed a caveat though, as I thought about writing this post and sharing with you all:

Maybe there’s something in your life that is truly unbearable. Maybe there is something with your health, your loved ones, or the state of your home/town/city/country that is unimaginably horrific that I or others may never understand.

It is not for me or anyone else to tell you that you should just “accept what is” if what is truly too awful. However, there is every chance that if you’re lucky enough to have a phone or computer and enough internet access to read this, and you have the time to sift through thousands of words of the humble musings of a woman you’ve possibly never met, that your challenges may be as manageable as mine.

Whether your experiences are sometimes tolerable, sometimes bad, or sometimes challenging enough that you find creative outlets for the sheer amount of pain they cause you… I do hope that whatever you are enduring in your own life is within your capacity to navigate.

And when it feels too hard, can you ask yourself the question with whatever skerrick of curiosity you can muster:

What if nothing I do will ever make a difference to this problem that I feel like I’ve been trying to solve forever?

I hope that you find, as I did, some level of relief in realising there is still so much we can do, experience and enjoy within our individual limitations as long as we stop trying so damn hard and just let go.

With love,

Caroline.

P.S. If you find yourself thinking that letting go is just like giving up, I want to hover over that for a moment before you go off to the rest of your day or night. I think this idea that ”letting go is just like giving up” could be an entire masterclass on its own. Since a masterclass doesn’t fit conveniently into a P.S. here are my cliff notes on this:

I have found that when I have truly let go and surrendered the need to be the one to be in control, to find the answer, to solve the problem sheer and utter magic has happened. By having an intention that I wanted things to improve but not knowing how that would happen and recognising that perhaps I needed the help of forces beyond my one little body and mind, I was able to make the space for new solutions to show up.

Again and again, my experience has shown me that when I can’t solve a solution with my very clever mind and my very determined body it is time to get the heck out of the way and let “someone” else try. What doesn’t work is asking for support (of God/Source/Universe/angels/guides/etc) and then actively waiting for them to “deliver” the solution. Uh uh. Not at all.

I have to be willing to actually, truly, genuinely let go.

It’s like I say, “Ok God, I’ve tried. I have tried so many ways and so many times and so many different things. For the life of me, I cannot figure this out. I’d love to feel better, so if you have any suggestions let me know. Otherwise, I’m going to be fully absorbed in appreciating what I already have. See ya!”

It has only been when I have let go of finding a solution so entirely that I forgot I was even after a solution, that a solution has shown up. You literally need to let go so well that you actually forget. And you’ll know that you have because two things will happen:

1. When the solution shows up it will come in a different package than your mind ever expected, and

2. You’ll be somewhat surprised/shocked/not realise what in front of you straight away because you weren’t looking for it. That is, it will take you moments or minutes or hours to remember that you asked for a solution.

Masterclass in a P.S. over ;)

P.P.S. I wrote this post a few weeks ago and let it sit and simmer here in Substack before editing and scheduling. I find that when I’m in the middle of things I have a lot of insights but I also cannot communicate them as clearly or cleanly as I would like.

If you’re a writer/teacher/sharer of vulnerable messages I encourage you to do the same. Don’t hit “publish” when you’re in the thick of it and your emotions are trying to spill out of every possible orifice because you cannot think clearly. That’s what a personal journal is for. What you share with the world is your service to others, not your therapy. So pause before posting and make sure it’s something you’re proud to share and feels genuinely useful for someone else.