What To Do When Really Hard Stuff Is Happening

Dear One,

If you are trying to “live your design” that probably feels like it goes out the window as soon as you get really big, destabilising news. I’m writing this post because I have had so many friends from the U.S. who have been shocked by the recent election and don't know what to do.

They’re seeking wisdom and guidance from somebody outside of their current situation. They’re writing to me and saying various versions of “What the f*ck do we do?”

If you have experienced any sort of truly terrible, catastrophic or overwhelming experience then this post is probably going to be helpful for you.

Now, most of the people in my community—both personally and professionally—are not very happy about the recent U.S. election results. And when I say “not very happy” I mean stunned, shocked, angry, grieving, all the things.

They're wondering what the heck to do and they’re not new to navigating challenges well. These are really spiritually aware, emotionally intelligent humans who are just floored by the news; they simply do not know what to do.

So, the point of this post is for me to give some very tangible, very easy-to-follow suggestions to you if you’re in this boat. And I want you to know that the suggestions I’ll make here apply whether or not you are reading this soon after I’ve posted it or later down the track.

It will apply to you whether you're reeling from the impending change of government in the U.S. (like so many of my clients and friends) or you are really struggling with the ongoing insanity that is happening in Gaza, or have a personal connection that makes Russia’s invasion of Ukraine intolerable for you, or you have loved ones in tornado affected areas, flooded affected areas, Civil War affected areas, etc.

Given that there are things happening all over the world, all the time there may be any number of reasons for you to feel overwhelmed any time you read the news.

Or it may be something that’s happening within your own family that, while not catastrophic for the rest of the world, is heartbreaking for you.

So, if you are experiencing any sort of big, destabilising emotional reaction to anything at present my intention is this post will be helpful for you.

If you’re into Human Design, please recognise that you cannot live out the highest expression of your energetic design when you are having a massive stress response. Especially if it’s a situation that doesn’t resolve in a short period of time and you’re having to deal with it day after day after day, with no end in sight.

The highest priority when we're in a massive stress response is to work with what's happening in us, and for us, and to us in that moment. So regardless of the context of why you are feeling all of the things, if you are feeling something very big, like a lot of sadness, or a lot of anger, a lot of fear or a lot of shame (or maybe all of those things, all at once) then you have a whole lot of charge you can work with.

Now on the flip side, what happens when we have too much sympathetic charge (that's all the “fight-flight” energy) is that the system has a kind of “kill” switch to protect us from too much energy.

It’s like it says, “Whoop! Too much charge.”

And then we go into freeze, numb, shock, or something similar. For example, all of the friends and clients who have said, “I'm stunned,” or “I'm floored,” or “I'm in shock,” are stuck in a freeze response because the sympathetic charge of the anger, the sadness, the whatever-was-too-big caused their nervous system to use a higher level of self-protection and shut down all the big feelings.

Neither of them is ideal as they're both full-on stress responses—though they might be appropriate for the context given the person’s history—but we need to be able to know how to move through it. So here's the crux of this post:

I want you to—if you're in this situation and you're feeling big things or are totally numb or whatever it is that you're experiencing that feels stressful for whatever reason—ask yourself these questions:

(1) Can I feel my feelings?

If you're numb, can you feel it or at least, become aware of it?

If you're stunned, can you feel that? If you're angry can you feel that? If you want to cry with sadness, can you feel that?

If you can, please, let yourself feel some of it. And when the body goes, “Wow. I've had enough!” then stop. You can do a bit more tomorrow, and the day after and the day after that.

Now if, when you ask yourself “Can I feel my feelings?” the answer is “No” then don't make yourself do something you don't have the capacity to do. Instead, go to question two:

(2) What would help me feel a tiny bit better right now?

There's a good chance it's going to be something that's within your control.

Do you want to make yourself a cup of tea?

Do you want to put on a funny show?

Do you want to cuddle your puppy dog, or go for a walk, or swim in the ocean?

What would help you feel a tiny bit better right now? And then each day or each moment that you realise that you're stuck in the big emotion or the overwhelm or the shocking feelings that feel like you can't move at all, keep repeating those two questions to yourself:

Can I feel my feelings right now?

And when you've had enough (or if you can't handle your emotions right now, there's no shame in that; it might be that the emotions are too big and that's okay, go to question two…)

What would help me feel a tiny bit better right now?

And you just keep repeating that each time you feel super stressed or super stuck. And you do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, until you realise that it feels less f*cked up and you realise that you're coping better.

Keep doing this practice of asking these two questions until you're functioning better and you can see some glimmers of hope and realise you’ve been experiencing some moments of joy (or at least, feeling okay more often). Keep doing those two things regardless of the situation that you're facing. Whether it's any of the current world events or any of the events that are happening in your own personal life.

Now, I do want to encourage you to avoid what we call “Spiritually Bypassing” which is bypassing the body in order to go up to look for a higher so-called “spiritual” meaning. Doing this is a way to bypass all of the stuff that's happening in our precious, overwhelmed, stressed-out body in order to get out of there.

We might do this because it feels so bad in our body and so asking ourselves “What's the meaning in the whole big picture?” allows us an escape from that pain. But all of that stress and overwhelm and all the things are still in the body. You don't get to avoid them. I mean you can avoid them temporarily but I want to encourage you to come back to your body as much as you safely can.

1. Can I feel my feelings?

2. What would help me feel a tiny bit better right now?

The other thing I want to encourage you to avoid—which is also very common, especially in achievement-driven cultures—is to “just soldier on” and get on with it. Now, if you are like one of my friends who is in Ukraine, where there is an ongoing physical threat to his well-being that he needs to be mindful of then, unfortunately, if you are in a situation like that then you may need to “soldier on” and you may need to squash your emotions down. You probably don't have the luxury of making yourself a cup of tea, or curling up on the couch, or watching something fun on TV. (And if you do, please do those things! It will give your nervous system a break from being on super high alert all the time.)

So maybe if you are in a situation where there is an ongoing, actual, real physical threat to your well-being you do need to “soldier on” (you know more about your current situation than anyone else does).

But if you are somebody who has a personal situation with a loved one who is dying or you are reeling from a major national or international event of some description and that comes with a big perceived threat but it doesn't come with something that is threatening your actual physical body right now then please notice if you're pushing to just get things done because it's another form of bypassing.

It is much better to:

1. Feel your feelings if you can, even just a little bit, and then

2. Ask yourself: What would help me feel a little bit better right now?

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If there is somebody you know who is struggling right now who might find this post helpful, can you send it to them now? (This post is free to read for the first two weeks after publishing).

My intention is not to have any sort of political debate here but more to provide a resource for the overwhelming number of people I know in the U.S. and in other places around the world that have recently been affected by destabilising events. May this post prove to be a resource to help you and others cope when things get hard.

So much love,

Caroline.