The St. Francis Heuristic: How a 13th Century Prayer Can Help You Vet Dating App Men

I am probably the last person on earth who should attempt to translate any sort of religious text into a real life application, but I’m going to do it anyway because I think this is a useful thought experiment.

I have no spiritual affiliation other than an on-again-off-again fascination with witchcraft, but my partner is a practicing (liberal) Catholic, and I went to church with him this morning. We are currently visiting my family in Cleveland, and as we left for church I yelled to my elderly parents, “See you heathens later!” which only cracked us up since I am such a heathen myself.

So anyway, I am very much an outsider in the discourse communities of faith, but as I listened to the lyrics of this hymn in church today, I realized how germane its thesis could be to healthy relationships. Let’s look at the lyrics, and then we’ll analyze:

“Make Me a Channel of Your Peace” (based upon the Prayer of St. Francis)

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is error, the truth;
where there is doubt, the faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

Overall, I would summarize the prayer’s thesis like this:

I seek to act as a peacemaker who actively improves the situations and relationships I enter. I choose to focus on comforting, understanding, and loving others rather than demanding others provide these things to me.

This is, arguably, decent advice for anyone of any gender in any kind of relationship with other humans. If you’re a woman on the dating apps, though, you might note how exactly opposite this orientation seems when compared to the vast majority of men’s bios.

What I see in dating app men’s bios over and over again are these elements:

• statements of looking for a woman to “be my peace” (rhetorical pattern: “Peace Seekers,” which frequently intersects with “Looking for a Tradwife”)

• demanding hypothetical comfort and consolation from women they haven’t even met yet (rhetorical pattern: “Are You My Mother?”)

• bemoaning how they’ve never really been loved or understood (rhetorical pattern: “Eeyores on the Apps”)

Imagine how different they would come across if their bios and prompts fell into accordance with St. Francis. I make this point not as a pro tip for men (who, I promise, are not reading this—I have access to readership metrics, and I know for a fact that men don’t read my stuff); rather, I make this point to offer it as a heuristic for women in vetting the apps. Ask yourself:

“Is this person presenting himself as an adult who is thoughtful and prepared to actively contribute to the situations and relationships he enters? Or is he presenting as a child wailing for his mommy to calm him down and make everything okay for him?”

It’s more common to locate men’s profile text at various points along that spectrum than at either extreme end of it, but maybe see if you can determine which side it leans toward:

An extreme alignment with St. Francis is probably performative, and an extreme alignment with Demanding Toddler or Whiny Eeyore wouldn’t trick you anyway, so, like most heuristics, use this one more like a magnifying glass or a divining rod—see if you can analyze men’s language to find their point between the two extremes, and only spend time and energy on the men whose words seem to more closely echo the spirit of St. Francis.

Please feel free to share your own heuristics below 🔥❤️ (lots more about them and how to develop/apply them in my book).