Stop Focusing on What You Want

Most people spend their entire negotiation focused on what they want.

The best negotiators spend just as much time focused on what the other side wants.

Not because they’re selfless. Because it works. And because in a world being reshaped by AI — where nearly everyone at the table is carrying anxiety about their role and their future¹ — the ability to understand what someone actually needs in this specific moment is one of the most powerful things a human being can do.

AI can tell you what someone like them typically wants. It cannot tell you what they need right now. That requires curiosity, presence, and the willingness to ask.

Monday: Their position vs. their interests

What someone asks for is their position. What they actually need underneath is their interest.

When you meet someone’s real interests, something shifts. They become more generous, more flexible, more willing to give you what you want. Not because you’ve outmaneuvered them — because they feel understood. Because they’re getting a genuinely good deal.

People who feel like they’ve gotten a good deal want to give back.

The exercise: think of someone facing a real choice. Before talking to them — write down what you think their interests are. Not what they’ll choose. Why.

Wednesday: How close were you?

Most of us think we know what the people around us want. Most of us are at least partially wrong. We filter everything through our own assumptions, our own fears, our own lens.

The exercise: go back to that person. Ask what matters most to them. Watch their reaction — not just what they say, but how they say it. Notice where you were right. Notice where you were off.

That gap is where most negotiations go wrong.

Friday: Where it breaks down

Three patterns that prevent people from actually using this skill even when they understand it.

Hearing the words but missing the meaning. Someone states a position and most people take it at face value. The real interest is almost always one question deeper. “Can you help me understand what’s driving that?” changes everything.

Assuming instead of asking. The most dangerous assumption in negotiation is: I already know what they need. Ask anyway.

Uncovering the interests — then ignoring them. Understanding what someone needs only creates value if you actually use it. The question that matters: is there a way to meet their need in a way that also works for me?

AI cannot answer that question. It requires judgment, empathy, and presence. That’s the human edge — and it’s exactly what this series is about.

What’s coming next week

Week 4 is about communication — specifically how the way you say something changes everything about how it lands.

In an AI world, everyone has access to the same information. What separates people is how they communicate it — how they listen, how they frame, how they make the other person feel heard before they’ve been asked for anything.

That skill is next.

The way you read other people’s interests is shaped by your Negotiation Archetype. Find out yours — take the free Negotiation Archetypes Quiz:

https://www.attiaqureshi.com/archetypequiz