I work at a rooftop bar in a hotel on Miami Beach. It’s nighttime, and the distant lights of cruises, cargo vessels, and other large seafaring ships can be seen out to the horizon.

I’ve just served some tourists their round of drinks.

Me: “Is there anything else I can get you?”

Customer: “Yeah, we were just wondering, all those lights out there…”

Me: “Yeah?”

Customer: “Is that London?”

Me: “London, as in… the city?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “No. Those are—”

Customer’s Friend: “No, you idiot! London isn’t on the coast. That’s England!”

Customer: *Nodding with understanding.* “Oh! Of course.”

I nodded to them all and backed away. Later I Googled it, and if you went directly East of Miami, into the Atlantic, and kept going, you’d eventually hit Western Sahara.

I was on a helicopter tour with my grandparents, who were visiting us (I lived with my parents in Hawaii at the time). Another tourist from the mainland looked confused and spoke into her helmet microphone.

Tourist: “Wait, I don’t get it.”

Tour Guide: “Get what, ma’am?”

Tourist: “Does the water go all the way around the island?”

Tour Guide: “Well, yes, ma’am, it’s an island.”

Tourist: *Sniffs.* “Well, they don’t do that on the islands back home!”

Related:
Hawaii-Five-No

I have a small mixed-breed dog whom I love to take on long walks in our rural area. Note that in my state in Germany, you are required by law to keep your dog on a leash at all times between April 15 and July 15. This is the nesting season for many bird species and the season for many other wildlife species to be born. There are signs posted at nearly every (dirt) road/path that leads into less populated ‘wilderness’ areas. 

On one of our walks along the back roads, we encounter a small family – mother, father, daughter. They are clearly tourists (there is a campground nearby) and have a dog about the same size as mine.

As we get closer, I hear the daughter (who is about six or seven) talk about how my dog looks so much like the one her friend has. She asks me if she can pet my dog, and I agree. Their own dog is right next to us but does not seem interested, sniffing along the side of the dirt road in the tall grass instead. Their dog seems to be very interested in that particular stretch of grass.

While I am keeping an eye on my dog and the daughter to make sure the interaction stays calm, the mom apparently notices their dog’s interest in whatever is in that tall grass and reaches down to unclip the dog from his leash.

Me: “Hey, don’t do that!”

I am too late, though; the dog is unclipped and dashes into the grass. Moments later, we can hear the quick flapping of wings and the alarmed cries of a pheasant hen, among excited yips from the dog. My dog, alerted by the sudden commotion, joins in with some barking.

The hen takes off, and the dad of the family chases after their dog, finds him, and brings him back.

I explain to the family that they are required to keep their dog on a leash at the moment and why.

Mom: “Oh. I didn’t know.”

I know for a fact that there are signs about this at either end of this road, and that there are several around the campgrounds and on all other roads in the area.

Me: “There are signs everywhere.”

Mom: “Sorry, I didn’t see any.”

Daughter: “Yes, we did! We read the sign on the campground and then counted all the ones that we passed along the way. There were four!”

While the parents are obviously embarrassed, I turn to the little girl.

Me: “Good job! Keep counting the signs and remember to keep a good hold of your dog’s leash so he doesn’t disturb the other animals!”

A tourist family wanders into the pub. It’s late November, so it’s very cold in England.

Customer: “Can we sit in your beer garden?”

Me: “I mean, you can, but it’ll be very cold.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Well, you just came from outside, right?”

Customer: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “The beer garden will be the same temperature… because it’s outside.”

Customer: “It’s outside?! Well, that’s a stupid place to put it!”

They storm out, leaving me there wondering where they put their gardens in their country.

I used to work on the ticket gates of a tourist attraction.

Visitor: “I got this discount voucher.”

He shows me a 20% off the entrance price voucher.

Me: “Awesome! Let me apply that discount for you.”

Visitor: “I printed four of ’em, so I get 80% off, right?”

Me: “…No, sir. It’s just one voucher per person.”

Visitor: *Angry.* “It doesn’t say that anywhere! I got four of ’em so I get 80% off!”

Me: “Sir, the website you printed these from states it’s one per person. You can’t just add them all up.”

Visitor: *Angrier.* “Yes, you can! Four times twenty is eighty! I can do math!”

Me: “That’s not the issue I’m arguing, sir. You can only use one.”

Visitor: *Still angrier.* “Get your manager down here! I ain’t moving until you get me in for my real discount!”

The next guy in line pushes past him.

Next Visitor: “Good! You wait on the side for the manager and let us non-idiots get inside!”

Visitor: “Who are you calling an idiot!”

Next Visitor: “I’m calling an idiot the guy who really thought discount vouchers worked like that, and if he really did, why didn’t he print five copies?”

I almost laughed; the stupid visitor ranted some more, and the manager showed up to deal with it. The next visitor got in with his group without issue, and I applied the 20% discount to everyone in his group even though they didn’t have the voucher.