My dad has recently moved to Brazil, and so I’m trying to set up a phone number for him. We got him a pay-as-you-go one, but we want to swap to a contract.

We try the shop, but they say they can’t swap it over, so they say to use the app or call the general line. We try using the app, but it won’t let my credit card go through, so we call the general line. They say they can’t do it, and they give the number for the sales line.

They answer, but we need to do some biometrics to confirm my dad’s identity. I should say, I’m talking as my dad does not speak much Portuguese.

Me: “Can we use a foreign passport because my dad doesn’t have any Brazilian documents?”

Rep: “He needs to use an identity document.”

Me: “Yes, he has his British passport. Can he use it? He doesn’t have any Brazilian documents.”

Rep: “He can use his work card or driving licence.”

Me: “He doesn’t have any Brazilian documents; can he use a foreign passport?”

Rep: “He can use his work card or driving licence.”

Me: “I told you he doesn’t have any Brazilian documents. Can he use a foreign passport?”

Rep: “One moment.” *Line goes quiet.* “No, he can’t. You will need to go into a shop.”

Me: “We tried that, and they said to call you!”

And round and round it goes…

An older woman rings in.

Caller: “I’ve been trying to get a hold of my daughter, but the line keeps diverting to a filthy business!”

Me: “A… what business?”

Caller: “A filthy business! A peddler of filth! Selling toys! For adults!”

I look at the fault history, and it’s really long. This woman has made calls to us on average at least three to four times per month. So, I ran a test on her line to see if there are any issues, but nope.

Me: “Can I confirm the phone number you’re calling?”

Caller: “It’s [number]!”

I put her on hold and test-called the daughter’s line. I get through, no worries. The number isn’t blocked or anything. 

The daughter’s number also holds an account with us, so I check the notes on that account. I can also see features activated on this line, one of which is ‘Call Forward Selected Caller’ (CFSC). The daughter has her mum on it.

There is a lengthy and detailed note attached to the activation of this feature. It turns out that the daughter married outside the family faith, and mummy dearest didn’t like it. She would call to harass her, so she got the feature activated. I go back to the mum, still on hold.

Me: “Your daughter’s line is okay. It must be an intermittent fault.”

Caller: “Can you put me through?”

Me: “The Privacy Act in Australia says no. If I do, I’ll be staring at a $10k fine and/or possible prison time.”

Now at this point, my team leader is listening in (it’s been a longer call than average, and he came to check). Mum goes ape-s***, calling me all sorts of very unchristian things. Eventually, she shouts out:

Caller: “You work for Satan’s telephone company!”

She has to stop and catch her breath after this, so I say:

Me: “Madam, I may work for Satan’s telephone company; however, I’m just the cabana boy. Most of my duties are ceremonial.”

After that, I killed the call, which I am allowed to do if the caller gets abusive.

My team leader and I had to go out to the smoke deck for a few minutes. We were p***ing ourselves laughing. We played that call for other team members for months.

A woman calls our phone company, sounding kinda stressed. As we’re going through the security questions, she starts breathing in an odd manner and making moaning noises.

Me: “Uh, are you okay, ma’am?”

Caller: “Oh, yeah, I’m just havin’ a baby.”

Me: “Uh… ma’am, are you in labor right now?”

Caller: “Yeah, but the contraction just passed. Anyway, about my prepaid cellphone payment. Why didn’t it go through?!”

Her account is a month overdue.

Me: “I don’t see any payments made from you, ma’am.”

Caller: “Well, no, not from me! I don’t have the money to pay that! One of you guys told me earlier today, when the contractions started, that they’d pay for it so that I could text people during labor.”

Me: “Uh, I don’t think that’s something that… happened? I don’t see any noted on the syst—”

Caller: “Well then, you need to do it! I’m havin’ a baby!”

Me: “Are you in the hospital, ma’a—”

I can hear some hospital-like background noises, and what sounds like a (I hope!) nurse chastising her for using the nurse’s desk phone.

Caller: “—Yeah, yeah. Make my payment for me.”

Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am. If you have a means to pay your bill, I can help you—”

Caller: “You’re clearly not a Christian, because a Christian would have paid my bill! I’m having a baby! That’s doing God’s Work!”

The call ended there with the sounds of someone else struggling to take the phone from her.

I left the craziest notes of my career on her account and tried to move on with my day.

Caller: “My service doesn’t work in my new house.”

Me: “Oh, did you move?”

Caller: “No, same address.”

Me: “You said it was a new house?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you build a new house where the old one was?”

Caller: “No. It’s a mile down the road.”

Me: “You’d need to have your service moved then.”

Caller: “NO I DON’T! I took my door with me, so the house number and address are the same!”

Me: “Sir, can you please tell me your full name and date of birth?”

Caller: “Why?! That’s private!”

Me: “I need to go through some security questions before I can give you any information pertaining to your account.”

Caller: “I don’t want to give you my sensitive information!”

Me: “Sir, you provided that information when you signed up for your account.”

Caller: “I typed it into a computer, not told it to a person!”

Me: “Sir, if you’d prefer to fix your account online, you can do so.”

Caller: “No, I want you to fix it, but I don’t want you to know all my s***!”

Me: “Sir, when you call us from your phone number linked to your account, like you’re doing right now, I can already see all that information. I can see where you live. I know what numbers you’re regularly calling and texting. I know all the answers to your security questions, and yes, I know your date of birth. I’m asking for you to verify it so I can give you information.”

Caller: “You… can?!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Did you think I was asking for your date of birth so I could say, ‘hmm, sounds about right”? I’m literally looking at it right now.”

A slight pause, and then…

Caller: “…does my senator know about you people?”

It was a loooong call.