Client: “Can you make this part of the design more white?”

Me: “It’s already white.”

Client: “But more white?”

Me: “It can’t be any whiter. The hex code is #ffffff, which is pure white. It’s maximum white.”

Client: “I need it to be whiter.”

Me: “If I make it any whiter, it’ll need to start wearing SPF50.”

Client: “…You’ve made your point.”

My coworkers overheard the conversation and laughed. Later they kept sending me messages on the work chat software to help me out the next time a client asks for such a thing:

Coworker #1: “If I make it any whiter it’ll start putting raisins in everything.”

Coworker #2: “If I make it any whiter it’ll start a podcast about artisanal craft beer.”

Coworker #3: “If I make it any whiter, it’ll start claiming it’s 1/64^th Cherokee.”

And so on…

I work for a housebuilding company producing and assembling windows, doors, and similar parts for houses. Usually, we are contracted by property developers who order our parts plus assembly on the houses. Every communication must go through the property developer; if a client has a complaint about our parts, they must contact the property developers first and only them.

Due to warranty regulations (and because the property developers want it so), we’re not allowed to process any complaints by clients as long as the house isn’t finished and five years afterwards. So, if clients complain directly to us, we explain to them that we can’t process their complaints (simply telling them that we don’t have direct contracts with them, only with property developers) and refer them to their property developers.

Most understand it, but some don’t. And there’s one very special client:

To keep the story short, I’m paraphrasing the messages (it was communicated via email) in the style of conversation. It happened when his house was finished last year.

Client: “Your windows are crap! Those aren’t the ones we paid for! We paid for glasses of SSK V [safety glass class]; I think you assembled windows of SSK IV! I want them replaced right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry that you aren’t happy with our windows, but due to the warranty policy, as your house is still inside of five-year-timeframe, please contact your property developer. Your property developer will then get to us with your complaint.”

Client: “No! These are your windows, replace them! I paid you to assemble the SSK V windows! Not the fake s*** you actually assembled!”

Me: “If these windows of the wrong SSK were assembled by mistake, we’ll gladly replace them for free. But first, you need to contact your property developer, as we don’t have any contracts with you and therefore aren’t obliged to do anything for you.”

Client: “Your customer service is terrible! I will complain about everything to my property developer, that’s for sure!”

Uhm… yeah? That’s what the clients should do in the first place?

Some days later, one of our property developers contacts us. He’s one of the most experienced and certified experts for house building in general. He’s strict but fair to any party. He’s one who prefers results over schmancy-fancy building processes.

Property Developer: “Hello, I have a client here who says the windows he has assembled for his house are fake and don’t have the SSK class he paid for. I checked these windows by myself, and they indeed have the correct seal of quality saying SSK V. I pointed this out to him, but he still doesn’t believe it and keeps demanding that we replace the windows with “the real ones”. Do you have some sort of official documentation for the SSK V windows? By the way, he complained about horrible customer service and says that you insulted him and laughed at him. When I asked him about those emails, he said he deleted them by accident and can’t show them to me. I have a feeling here, and I have known your company for years, but I have to ask.”

Me: “Sure. Here’s the attachment of official documentation and our e-mail communication with this client.”

Sometimes property developers CC us into the emails with clients, so we stay in the loop and react fast if necessary. Same here. [Property Developer] is now talking to his client:

Property Developer: “Hello, I’ve communicated with the housebuilding company about your windows. Though I want to say first, we worked with this company for many years, and this company has an excellent rate of trustworthiness. I have never seen them intentionally assembling parts of lesser quality. They were happy to send me the official documentation of your windows. Oh, and they sent me the communication between you and them. I want to remind you that I did instruct you right from the beginning of building the house that you have to contact me first and only me.”

Client: “They are lying! Those e-mails and this documentation are fabricated! I complained to them because it’s my right to do so! Now, replace those fake s*** with the windows I paid for!”

Property Developer: “I’m sorry you’re unhappy with the windows, but I can tell you they are the right ones. And yes, you might have the right to complain. But the housebuilding company has absolutely zero obligation to even answer to your complaint because it doesn’t simply have a contract with you. We’re responsible to you, not them. And no, we won’t let them replace the windows unless there is proof. If you want, you can have your windows evaluated by a third-party expert. If our windows indeed aren’t those you paid for, we will pay for the evaluation, and the housebuilding company will replace them for free. But I have to warn you, the evaluation is very expensive, and you have to pay for it if the windows are correctly assembled.”

Client: “Oh, you can count on it to pay for everything! I will get those fake windows evaluated, and you better pay for everything!”

Some weeks later, the third-party expert has evaluated the windows. You can guess the result. And you can guess who has to pay for the evaluation (over €3,000). I can’t exactly say I was unhappy to hear about it…

I’m a financial adviser and have a client with a relatively small sum invested with me and a substantially larger sum invested with someone else.

Client: “My other investment with [Someone Else] grew by $30,000 in the past year! Yours only grew by $10,000!”

Me: “Hmm, after calculating the performance, mine is giving you double-digit returns whilst the other investment is only giving you 3%.”

Client: “That’s not good enough! I still made more with the other guy! What do you have to say for yourself?”

Me: “That it really is for the best that you leave investing your money to the professionals.”

I work in designing electronic forms. The client is unhappy with the current design of the form.

Client: “There’s not enough room in the name boxes! What if someone has a very long name?”

Me: “Okay, we can make the box bigger.”

Client: “No, you can’t make the box bigger. It needs to be symmetrical with the other boxes.”

Me: “Then we can make the font smaller.”

Client: “No, it would look weird if it’s different from the other boxes.”

Me: “We can use a narrower font from the same family. We can keep the font the same in all the boxes.”

Client: “No. We chose that font because it’s the CEO’s favorite.”

Me: “How about we arrange it so that if the input is very long, it gets split over two lines and squeezed into the box that way.”

Client: “No, that would look weird.”

Me: “Sir, you seem to think I’m holding out on some magical solution to your impossible request. Please, enlighten me: how do I ensure the name box can support longer names if I cannot change the size, font size, or font?”

Client: “It’s your job to have solutions!”

Me: “Well, the only things left I can think of are to have the form be in three dimensions and have the text spiral outwards from the form towards the reader. Or… force the person to change their name to Bob and call it a day.”

Pause.

Client: “…We might be open to that font narrow-y thingy you mentioned.”

I’m doing some renovation and home improvement work on a client’s house. The client is the wife in a couple, and she’s lovely. The husband… not so much.

Client’s Husband: “Why haven’t you painted the door frame?! It’s in the brief!”

Me: “The brief also says that’s one of the last jobs to do. The door frame is metal and winter has just finished. We’ll need to wait until warmer weather, as painting the metal at near freezing will cause the paint to chip.”

Client’s Husband: “I want it done now! It looks ugly!”

Me: “Your wife okayed the schedule and—”

Client’s Husband: “This is my house too! Just do it!”

I quickly type up an email on the iPad in my van and show it to him.

Client’s Husband: “What’s this?!”

Me: “Electronic contract. When, not if, but when the paint on this door frame cracks and chips when the weather warms up, I will expect to be paid a second time if you want me to come out and fix it.”

Client’s Husband: “You’re being serious?!”

Me: “I take time being wasted seriously.”

He takes a five-second look at the contract and then storms away, telling me to get on with whatever I was doing before, just as the wife gets home from work and pulls into the driveway in her car.

Wife: “Oh dear, that looked fraught. Is my husband being a c***y little dingus again?”