How Alexis Stays Calm?

I keep coming back to one question:

How do people stay centered? How do people find moments of joy and stay grounded?

So I’ve started documenting the tiny systems people use to manage their lives: nervous system practices, emotional regulation, healing habits, productivity tricks. Small practices that help us build intentional lives

And a few weeks ago, I interviewed the coolest and calmest person I know, Alexis, 30-year-old engineer from Paris.

aka early recognition of activation

“I just stop thinking and try to breathe. If I manage to calm myself down, I continue. If I notice I’m too agitated to continue, I go get some fresh air, and have a conversation later about the subject.”

He is very good at noticing that he is getting angry, overwhelmed; he describes it as palpitation, heart beat increasing, and cloudy sensation. As soon as he notices it, he pauses and backs off. He physically distances himself from the situation. He breathes. He goes for a walk.

He refuses to have a conversation when he is not feeling calm. He doesn’t wait for full anger explosion. The minute he senses he is angry, he stops interacting with people.

aka observing without interpreting

“I prefer looking at facts and the information in itself, not the interpretation anyone could have, because people can have different interpretations of the same facts”

He doesn’t try to add ‘interpretations’ to what’s happening. He knows our interpretations can often be dramatic.

So, he simply observes what is happening. If ever he is unsure how to interpret other people’s actions, he asks people clarifying questions, rather than guessing their intent.

aka categorising the situation

I asked Alexis what he does when something bad happens.
He told me it depends, not all problems live in the same folder.

“It really depends on the situation. Some things don’t matter that much, so there’s no point getting angry about them. Other things need action, so I just think about what I can do next.”

You know… spilling something, last-minute plan changes, someone being mildly rude. Stuff that’s annoying but not life-changing.

For him, these don’t deserve a meltdown. He tries reduce emotional energy on things that don’t matter tomorrow.

Like a mistake at work, something breaking, a logistical mess.

Here, he switches into “ok, what’s the plan?” mode.

It’s very cause → effect → action.

aka stable inner resources like hobbies and “me time.”

“Everyone else needs to find their own hobbies or things that they like.”

No matter what happens, no matter how busy he is, he always makes time for things that bring him joy like his me-time and playing video games.

His hobbies are his buffer against the world. If he ever has a shitty day, he will try to do something that brings him joy.

aka healthy interdependence

Alexis likes being alone, but he also knows that some amount of social life is genuinely good. It gives him perspective, pulls him out of his head a little.

“As much as I like to be alone, having some social life is also good. It brings your perspective on pending things”

For him, it’s about being around good people, but not depending on them for his emotional stability. He seeks connection without becoming reliant on it.

He has figured out that you can’t choose good people until you’ve spent enough time with yourself.

He applies the same thinking to romantic relationships:

“Finding someone to share your life with… (I think) not everyone finds that. I don’t think it should be your main focus. If you focus on it too much, you end up in bad mental states, and that leads to bad decisions.”

I believe this is really liberating. He doesn’t want his happiness to depend on whether he’s in a couple or not.

I’m starting a collection project. I’m documenting the systems that keep people grounded, functional, and joyful.

Have a system to share?

If you’ve found a practice that works and want to be featured, reply to any email. I’m always looking for people to interview.