“If tomorrow is judgment day
And I’m standing on the front line
And the Lord asks me what I did with my life
I will say
I spent it with you”
I’ve always really loved these opening lines from Your Love Is My Love.
I listen to this song through a queer ear, hearing it as an assertion of love that exists despite and endures beyond what anyone else believes.
What did I do with my life?
I spent it with you. I spent it in the arms of someone who loved me.
I spent it with your hand held to my lips.
An assertion of devotion as the most meaningful action of someone’s life. How beautiful is that? Devotion to a lover, and devotion to the act of loving as your authentic self, in the face of judgment.
Whitney’s voice was born in the Black church. It nurtured that once-in-a-lifetime voice and enriched it. But the church as Whitney knew, as those of us who grew up there know, can often shun love it doesn’t recognize as right. The answer “I spent it with you”, is not a plea for acceptance from anyone. It’s a declaration that this love is what I’m standing on.
This fan is part of an ongoing series honoring Black artists whose work created fellowship, comfort, longing, and transcendence beyond the sanctuary. Following the D’Angelo fan, I’m continuing this series by painting Whitney on a church fan. And doing so feels less like a departure from the church, rather, a return to it. A transformation of it.
The lyrics to Your Love Is My Love also make me think of Blackness and the audacity for Black people to love each other.
We live in a world that practices an anti-Blackness so strong that it says we are unlovable, undeserving, and inferior to receiving kindness, care, or protection. These lyrics make me think of the insulation of love that we form around ourselves to keep ourselves soft. We smile at each other. When white supremacy and capitalism asks us what we’ve done with our lives, how did we contribute to the rat race of hating ourselves while chasing a promise they’ll never live up to,
we can ignore them,
look at each other and say,
”I was devoted to loving you, and us.”
It’s Pride month, and it’s Black Music Month.
This fan is for Whitney Houston.
For Black queer love.
For our Black icons who had to smother beautiful parts of themselves when the world only wanted to consume their talent.
For those who grew up in the sanctuary, but learned devotion outside of it.
For Whitney and Bobbi Kristina and the love between parent and child.
It’s for Black people who love Black people.
Despite, and through, and because, and beyond, in this life and the next.
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