CDC Staff Told to Not Eat Cafeteria Potato Salad After Someone Stuck Their Feet in It.

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ATLANTA - CDC Staff were unable to eat potato salad provided at CDC campuses Friday after reports came out that an “unknown individual” was caught sticking their feet into the potato salad.

CDC Staff received an email before 12:00 PM EST warning staff that “our precious potato salad reserve has been contaminated by someone’s feet. We will recall all potato salad at our campus cafeterias immediately to prevent the spread of feet gunk. In the meantime, please do not eat the potato salad, no matter how appealing it might look”.

After the announcement, new Acting Director of Communications Caroline DeBerry wrote an email to staff, stating that “while I am sure many of us are disappointed that we won’t have our potato salad for Friday, I can promise you that your CDC leadership is looking heavily into this. Whoever did this will be properly reprimanded. Which is good, because I certainly did not stick my toes into the potato salad for several hours before being caught. Although scientifically, potato salad is a cure for Sleeper’s Foot since it balances the humors in one’s foot. I didn’t need to put my feet in the potato salad because I don’t stick my feet into potato salad”.

Weekly Needle reporters were down at a cafeteria at CDC’s Roybal campus to interview several employees about the potato salad crisis, to get a sense of how employees were responding to the situation.

“What am I going to do today?” asked Linda McGovern, an epidemiologist, “Every Friday I dream about the potato salad. That’s all I live for now at my job. And someone took that away from me?”

“You could make every day a waking nightmare, but the moment you take away Friday Potato Salad Day, I’m getting the pitchfork,” stated Randall Jones, a program officer in the Office of Grant Services.

“What am I supposed to eat today besides potato salad? Rocks?” bemoaned Daniel Chao, a Branch Chief in the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control (NCIPC).

While an internal investigation is ongoing onto the potato salad incident, acting Communications Director Caroline DeBerry has sent out several emails in the past several hours to update staff on possible leads. She has even personally called a few CDC employees who have suggested that DeBerry might have stuck her feet into the potato salad. Tim LeBlanc was one such employee who received a call from DeBerry.

“She just rung me up and said ‘I know you are spreading rumors about me putting my feet into the potato salad. I didn’t do that. I never would have thought about doing such a thing. And if you say it again, I’m going to sue you for potato salad defamation,” claimed LeBlanc.

DeBerry also reached out to The Weekly Needle to offer her own statement, saying that “as the new Director for Communications, I will make sure to find out the criminal who put their feet in the potato salad. We are quite confident we have found the culprit, who isn’t me, and we plan to scapegoat someone else for the crime to protect the identity of the culprit, who definitely wasn’t me”.