Unfold

Logo by Frank Okay

I used to think I always had to act

I always had to control

What the outcome was going to be

It didn’t matter which area of my life

I was not going to be a fool

For even a minute

But events unfold at their own pace

I miss things when I rush towards conclusions of what they mean

My intuition is not always right I have discovered

Sometimes it’s just a trauma response

Trying to protect myself once more

From the disappointment of the elements

Allowing the elements to roll through her seasons seems to never result in the kind of frustration that happens when your plans get thwarted

My plans are constantly thwarted

Whether it’s to swim

Or when I’m going to get out of bed in the morning

Or sensing when I’m gonna get cut on a slower night at the restaurant

Lately

I’m constantly

Adjusting

What I wanted to do to what is possible

Some people seem to be having the time of their lives out there while I’m

Waiting for mental obstacles to slowly lift

I say that they are mental because that’s what it all comes back to

How I perceive what’s happening

All I can control is how I show up and what I do

I’ve let all the rest go

I’m a student of the unfolding now

I cannot dominate time nor space

I have to work with it

I used to think I always had to act as soon as I had an impulse to

Now I’m just like

Maybe you don’t have all of the answers, Olivia

Just watch

For what’s about to take place

Like watching a Magician perform a trick and trying

With every ounce of concentration to figure out how he’s doing it

To no avail

But you still enjoyed the experience anyway

And you were present

Congratulations

It’s 7am on a Wednesday in August

Halfway through

And I have no idea what’s going to happen today other than I’m going to work both of my jobs while my boyfriend sleeps after staying up most of the night doing inventory for his steakhouse

And I’m writing this now as a hope and a prayer to my future self that she keeps showing up to life with this level of compassion for both

Herself and for other people

I like this Olivia

I like her instincts

I think she’s strong actually because she’s not afraid to look weak

Or naive

Or straight up dumb

She’s good but not in a two shoes kind of way

She’s good like she’s solid

She can play well with others

She doesn’t create drama where there doesn’t have to be any

She’s here

She’s present

She’s letting the path shape her instead of the other way around