I think I just want to rant, so bear with me.
I used to think being a good person was enough. Enough to be loved, or chosen, or remembered.
Turns out, it's only enough to be used.
I just think people have an incredible ability to mistake kindness for availability.
If you answer every call, they'll stop asking if you're busy.
If you always forgive, they'll stop apologizing.
If you're always understanding, they'll stop trying to understand you.
And despite all this, you're still expected to wear your exhaustion like a badge of honour because that's what "good people" do.
I've spent years convincing myself that if I just kept choosing kindness, eventually someone would choose it back.
Sometimes they did.
Most times they didn't.
The hardest part isn't being hurt. It's realizing that the people who hurt you still think you're the nice one because you never made them uncomfortable enough to see what they did.
There's a strange loneliness that comes with being everyone's safe place while having nowhere safe to fall yourself.
People praise your heart. Then ask it for another favor.
They admire your patience. Then give you another reason to need it.
They call you "so understanding."
Translation: You'll let this slide too.
At some point, I started confusing self-sacrifice with love. I thought saying yes made me generous. I thought staying made me loyal. I thought forgiving made me mature.
Sometimes it just made me easy to disappoint.
The older I get, the less interested I am in being "nice."
I'd rather be honest.
I'd rather disappoint someone than betray myself just to keep the peace.
I'd rather have people call me difficult than build another home inside someone who only visits when it's convenient.
Maybe having a good heart isn't the problem. Maybe believing everyone deserves unrestricted access to it is.
A good heart shouldn't be an open door.
It should be a room with a lock.
And maybe the people who get offended when you finally use it should never have come knocking in the first place.
If this piece meant something to you, share it with someone who might need it today. That's the whole point of writing — to make people feel less alone in the things they can't say out loud.
🖤
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