This comes from Kristen Wagner, a shepherd and instructor in biblical relational wisdom, forgiveness, and conflict mediation. She writes about what it actually looks like to pursue healthy, biblical relationships - especially when conflict, accountability, confession, and forgiveness get messy.
Cat fight at church or all out Cold War 3, you can find Kristen on instagram @k_michelle_e. She’ll have more content on my instagram soon, but can help you now. Sarcasm optional.
I need to apologize to the SOG method.
Because when I first encountered it, I was…underwhelmed.
Self-aware.
Other-aware.
God-aware.
That’s it?
Groundbreaking…
This is the foundation of Relational Wisdom?
I was expecting something slightly more profound.
Perhaps Greek.
Maybe a diagram requiring a seminary degree.
At minimum, I wanted seven steps and a workbook.
Instead:
How am I doing?
How are they doing?
Where is God in this?
Riveting.
Someone alert the theologians.
Except the longer I’ve learned about relational wisdom, the more I’ve realized something mildly offensive:
Most of us aren’t consistently doing any of the three.
And that might explain a few things.
This one is particularly inconvenient.
Because I am extremely aware of yourself.
Your tone.
Your attitude.
Your facial expression.
The way you responded to that email.
The fact that you said “fine” in a way that was absolutely not fine.
Your motives, which I have somehow discerned with prophetic accuracy despite never asking you.
I can provide a comprehensive evaluation of your emotional state in approximately eleven seconds.
Mine? I’m fine. Obviously.
Being self-aware asks something different:
What am I feeling and how am I acting?
Not: What did they do to make me feel this way?
Not: Wouldn’t any reasonable person be angry right now?
Not: Can I assemble enough evidence to justify my reaction?
Just: What’s happening in me? Eww
Am I angry?
Embarrassed?
Threatened?
Jealous?
Defensive?
Afraid?
Am I trying to control this?
Do I desperately need to be right?
And perhaps the worst question of all:
How is what I’m feeling affecting what I’m doing?
Because apparently “they started it” is not considered a spiritual gift.
Which sounds easy because most of us believe we’re already excellent at understanding other people.
We know exactly what they’re thinking.
“They don’t respect me.”
“She obviously doesn’t care.”
“He’s trying to undermine me.”
“She did that intentionally.”
Interesting. Did they tell you that?
No? Excellent.
Continue, Sherlock.
Other-awareness requires something more difficult than assuming motives.
It requires curiosity.
What might they be feeling?
What pressures are they under?
What am I missing?
What might this situation look like from their chair?
And here’s the especially rude part:
How am I affecting them?
I preferred the previous version of this story where we were exclusively discussing how they affected me.
But relational wisdom is three-dimensional.
Which means I don’t get to evaluate someone’s reaction while completely ignoring what I brought into the room.
Maybe my tone was harsher than I realized.
Maybe I interrupted.
Maybe I came in defensive.
Maybe I wasn’t actually listening because I was mentally preparing my rebuttal.
Maybe they felt dismissed.
Maybe I communicated something I didn’t intend to communicate.
That doesn’t automatically make me wrong.
It does mean I should probably care.
Other-awareness doesn’t require mind reading.
Quite the opposite.
It requires enough humility to admit:
I may not know the whole story.
Absolutely devastating news for those of us who had already completed the investigation.
This is where Relational Wisdom becomes distinctly Christian.
Because emotional intelligence can teach me to understand myself.
It can teach me to read other people.
Those are valuable skills. But relational wisdom asks another question:
What is God doing here?
Not: How quickly can God fix this person so I can move on with my life?
Not: Which Bible verse most effectively supports my position?
And certainly not: God, please reveal to them that I am correct.
God-awareness asks me to remember who God is in the middle of the situation.
What is He teaching me?
What does His Word say?
You have to actually read your Bible to answer that one …What would faithfulness look like here?
Do I trust Him enough that I don’t have to control the outcome?
How could I respond in a way that actually honors Him?
And suddenly the situation changes.
Because the goal isn’t merely getting what I want anymore.
Now I’m asking what God wants to produce in me through something I desperately wanted Him to simply remove.
Again. Inconvenient.
SOG is almost laughably simple.
And that’s precisely why it works.
Because when emotions rise, none of us are looking for a 42-page theological framework.
We’re trying not to send the text. We’re sitting in the meeting. We’re arguing with our spouse. Our teenager just rolled their eyes so hard they briefly saw their frontal lobe. Someone at church said that thing. A coworker irritated us. A friend disappointed us.
And our nervous system has approximately four seconds before handing control of the vehicle to our mouth.
Often my problem.
That’s when you need something simple enough to remember.
S. O. G.
What is happening in me?
What might be happening in them?
Where is God in this?
That’s Relational Wisdom.
And if you actually stop long enough to do it, something strange happens.
You respond differently.
Before sending the email:
SOG.
Before confronting someone:
SOG.
Before gossiping—I apologize—processing the situation with a trusted friend or even better my prayer group:
SOG.
Before assuming motives:
SOG.
Before correcting your spouse:
SOG.
Before disciplining your child while you’re furious:
Please, for the love of everyone’s nervous system:
SOG.
Before a pastor walks into a difficult staff conversation:
SOG.
Before a staff member decides the pastor obviously hates them because he responded “Okay” instead of “Sounds great!”:
SOG.
Before turning a misunderstanding into a full-blown relational Cold War:
Maybe.
Just maybe.
SOG.
That’s what finally clicked for me.
SOG isn’t powerful because someone arranged three words into a memorable order with a weird name.
Rolls right off the tongue, that one.
It’s powerful because it trains us to stop living relationally one-dimensional lives.
Most conflict becomes one-dimensional very quickly.
Me.
My feelings.
My perspective.
My hurt.
My interpretation.
My desired outcome.
Relational wisdom forces the camera to zoom out.
Self.
What’s happening inside me?
Others.
What’s happening in the person across from me?
God.
What is true about Him, and what would faithfulness to Him look like right now?
Do that enough times and something begins to change.
Not just your conflicts.
You.
You become slower to assume.
Quicker to listen.
More aware of your emotions without being ruled by them.
More curious about other people.
Less desperate to control outcomes.
More conscious of God in ordinary interactions.
And maybe that’s why the foundation of Relational Wisdom isn’t particularly flashy.
It’s not supposed to impress you.
It’s supposed to become instinctive.
Because relational wisdom isn’t ultimately about knowing what SOG stands for.
You could memorize an entire diagram, laminate it, color-code it, put it in a three-ring binder and carry it around like the Ark of the Covenant.
I actually have one collecting dust on my shelf.
Congratulations.
If you’re still oblivious to yourself, insensitive to everyone else, and only remember God after the argument…
we have missed the point.
The goal is for SOG to become the way we instinctively see relationships.
Me.
You.
God.
Again. And again. And again.
So yes.
At face value, SOG might be one of the least exciting things you’ll ever learn.
3 letters. 3 perspectives.
No fireworks.
But practice it long enough and those three boring little letters might completely change the way you walk into a room.
Especially when someone in that room is getting on your last nerve.
Which, conveniently, is usually when biblical relational wisdom becomes necessary.
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