People, Relationships, Reconciliation, and other Inconveniences - Part 1

This comes from Kristen Wagner, a shepherd and instructor in biblical relational wisdom, forgiveness, and conflict mediation. She writes about what it actually looks like to pursue healthy, biblical relationships - especially when conflict, accountability, confession, and forgiveness get messy.

Cat fight at church or all out Cold War 3, you can find Kristen on instagram @k_michelle_e. She’ll have more content on my instagram soon, but can help you now. Sarcasm optional.

There are few things more spiritually inconvenient than entering a conflict absolutely certain that someone else needs correction…

…and then God starts talking about you.

Excuse me.

Sir.

That was not the assignment.

I came prepared with screenshots, timestamps, three eyewitnesses, and a beautifully organized closing argument explaining exactly why this person is the problem.

I could give Harvey Spector a run for his money.

I did not come here for self-reflection.

And yet.

One of the things the Bible teaches about conflict is that it usually starts somewhere far less satisfying than the other person’s terrible behavior.

It starts in the heart.

Which is annoying.

Because their behavior is much easier to discuss.

James 4 asks:

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?”

Sir.

I had several other answers prepared.

Their attitude, for one.

But apparently Scripture would like to examine what’s happening inside me before I begin presenting Exhibit A.

Wanting something isn’t necessarily sinful.

I want to be respected.

Reasonable.

I want people to communicate clearly.

Also reasonable.

I want my spouse to listen to me.

Valid.

I want people to do what they said they would do.

Wild concept, I know.

I want competent people to occasionally behave competently.

Again. Feels fair.

The problem isn’t necessarily the desire.

The problem is how quickly:

I would like this

becomes

I deserve this

which becomes

You owe me this

which becomes

and now I have determined your entire character because you didn’t give it to me and judge every move you make.

A progression that is painfully accurate:

I desire.
I demand.
I judge.
I punish.

Cute little four-step program none of us remembers signing up for.

It happens fast.

I desire respect.

Then I begin to demand respect.

Then when you don’t give it to me, I judge you.

You’re disrespectful.

You’re selfish.

You clearly don’t value me.

You always do this.

And then comes punishment.

Maybe I yell.

Maybe I withdraw.

Maybe I become passive-aggressive.

Maybe I give you the Christian version of the silent treatment where technically I’m still speaking to you, but somehow every word communicates that you should fear the Lord and also me.

Maybe I tell someone else about the situation.

For prayer, obviously.

Very holy.

No gossip here.

Just an extremely detailed prayer request containing information absolutely no one needed.

This is where things become especially fun.

Because underneath many of those demands is something the Bible has a rather unflattering word for: idolatry.

And no, most of us don’t have a tiny golden calf sitting on the kitchen counter.

We’re much more sophisticated than that.

Our idols have better branding.

• Control.

• Approval.

• Comfort.

• Recognition.

• Success.

• Being respected.

• Being liked.

• Being right.

• Being understood.

Having people behave exactly the way we think spiritually mature people should behave.

You know.

Normal things. Good things, even. Until they become ruling things.

That’s the uncomfortable part.

An idol doesn’t have to be something bad.

Sometimes it’s something perfectly good that I have quietly decided I must have in order to be okay.

And conflict has an irritating habit of exposing those things.

Want to know what might be ruling your heart?

Pay attention to what happens when you don’t get it.

• If losing control sends you into orbit… maybe control isn’t merely a preference.

• If criticism wrecks you for three days… maybe the approval of others has gotten a little too comfortable on the throne.

• If someone disagreeing with you feels like a personal attack… maybe being right has become more important than you realized.

• If you cannot have peace until another person apologizes, changes, agrees, understands, repents, validates you, and preferably admits that you were right from the beginning… we may have found something.

I know. They might be.

This is the part where someone inevitably says:

“But what if the other person really sinned?”

Then they sinned.

Looking at your own heart doesn’t magically make someone else’s behavior acceptable.

Biblical peacemaking isn’t pretending everything is fine while someone repeatedly steamrolls you and you whisper, boundaries aren’t Christlike.

No.

• There are times for confrontation.

• There are times for boundaries.

• There are times when Matthew 18 needs to happen.

• There are times when somebody needs to repent.

But Jesus gives us a fascinating order of operations.

Before becoming an ophthalmologist specializing in the speck located in your neighbor’s eye… perhaps address the lumber sticking out of yours.

Again. Inconvenient.

I think there is a book written about it though.

When conflict happens, my favorite question is:

What is wrong with them?

It is efficient.

I can usually generate several answers immediately.

The harder question is:

What is this revealing about me?

• What did I want?

• When did that desire become a demand?

• What judgment did I make when I didn’t get it?

• How did I punish the person who failed to deliver it?

And underneath all of that:

What am I asking this person or situation to give me that I should ultimately be receiving from God?

That’s a considerably less fun conversation.

But it’s usually where transformation begins.

Because sometimes the biggest breakthrough in conflict isn’t finally getting the other person to see what they did wrong.

Sometimes it’s realizing:

Oh.

There I am.

It’s me, hi.

And perhaps before asking God to fix everyone else involved…

I should give Him permission to start with me.

Which, frankly, was not the outcome I was hoping for.

But it does seem to be His specialty.

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