This comes from Kristen Wagner, a shepherd and instructor in biblical relational wisdom, forgiveness, and conflict mediation. She writes about what it actually looks like to pursue healthy, biblical relationships - especially when conflict, accountability, confession, and forgiveness get messy.
Cat fight at church or all out Cold War 3, you can find Kristen on instagram @k_michelle_e. She’ll have more content on my instagram soon, but can help you now. Sarcasm optional.
Wait, when 2 or 3 are gathered isn’t a prayer call???
There is a fascinating thing Christians sometimes do when another believer is clearly walking in sin.
We notice it. We talk about it. We worry about it. We pray about it.
We possibly have a 47-minute conversation with someone else about how deeply concerned we are about it.
And then we do absolutely nothing about it.
Because… grace.
Obviously.
And pastors can be especially talented at this.
“We’re just giving them grace.”
“We want to give the Holy Spirit room to work.”
“We don’t want to be legalistic.”
“We’re choosing our battles.”
“We’re trying to protect unity,” otherwise known as “keeping the peace”
Wait, I thought the Bible called it PEACEMAKING?
Like where you actually have to do something to “make” something?
Or does it just “manifest” from “good vibes.”
All of which can be legitimate, maybe.
And all of which can also occasionally translate to:
I would rather eat drywall than have this conversation.
So we rename avoidance.
Grace sounds much better. Very biblical word and all.
Except Jesus gave us instructions for what to do when a fellow believer is caught in sin.
And unfortunately, “quietly hope the situation resolves itself while becoming increasingly irritated” did not make the list.
I think there is a verse about bitterness and hating a person, something about murder?
Sorry, I digress.
Peacemaking framework points Christians back to Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 18.
Jesus says:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”
Notice the first word that matters here:
Go.
Not speculate, stew, or gather a focus group. Not send a cryptic text saying, “Hey, would love to connect sometime,” and then spend three days hoping they forget.
Go. Now.
And Jesus says to do it privately.
This is where biblical conflict resolution is almost offensively uninteresting.
No “I just need some wisdom” tour where six people hear the story before the person involved does.
You go directly to your brother or sister. Alone.
Because the goal isn’t humiliation, or winning, or proving that you were right.
The goal is restoration.
This is important.
Someone irritating you is not necessarily someone sinning against you.
Your coworker being disorganized? Possibly annoying. (typically)
Someone having a personality you wouldn’t personally select from the Fall 2026 catalog? Still not sin.
Someone disagreeing with you? Believe it or not, Christianity survives.
Someone choosing something differently than you would? We remain within the bounds of orthodoxy.
Biblical peacemaking gives us room to overlook offenses.
Proverbs 19:11 actually calls overlooking an offense a person’s glory.
Sometimes grace really does mean I’m letting this go.
Not storing it. Not bringing it up six months later. Not “forgiving” it while maintaining a detailed mental spreadsheet.
Actually letting it go. (cue the music)
But there is a difference between overlooking an offense and ignoring a pattern of sin that needs correction.
And Christians, especially leaders, need the wisdom to know which one we’re doing.
There are situations where an offense shouldn’t simply be overlooked.
Confrontation may be necessary when sin is seriously dishonoring God, damaging relationships, hurting other people, or harming the person who is caught in it.
At that point, silence isn’t necessarily gracious.
Sometimes silence is actually easier for us.
That’s an important distinction because confrontation is uncomfortable.
It risks someone being upset with us.
They might disagree.
They might leave.
They might tell other people we were mean.
They might send an email.
God forbid, they might request a meeting with the pastor.
And leaders quickly learn that avoiding one difficult conversation today can feel significantly more pleasant than dealing with someone’s reaction to correction tomorrow.
So we “give grace.” And give some more grace. And then a little more.
Until six months later we’re sitting in a meeting discussing a situation that has become approximately 700% worse.
And everyone is wondering:
How did we get here?
Well. There were twelve exits.
We just kept driving.
One of the strangest ideas we’ve adopted in parts of the church is that correction is somehow the opposite of grace.
Jesus apparently didn’t get that memo.
Biblical grace doesn’t mean pretending sin doesn’t matter.
Grace is part of how we address it.
Gently. With restoration as the goal.
Galatians 6:1 says that if someone is caught in sin, those who are spiritual should restore that person gently.
Restore.
That means I don’t enter the conversation thinking, “Finally, I’m going to tell you exactly what I think.”
I enter thinking, “I love you too much to watch this continue without saying something.”
That’s an entirely different posture.
Here’s where Matthew 18 becomes even more uncomfortable.
He gives another step.
Take one or two others.
Ohhh, that’s where we get “where 2 or 3 are gathered.”
Jot that one down for your prayer team.
Mature believers who can help establish what is actually happening and work toward reconciliation.
And if the person still refuses to listen? Then the matter becomes more serious and involves the church.
There is progression here.
Private correction.
Then wise involvement.
Then church involvement.
Jesus builds escalation into the process because restoration matters enough to pursue.
But we sometimes skip both directions.
Either we jump straight to escalation or we never confront anything at all.
Neither is particularly faithful to the process Jesus gave us.
There is absolutely such a thing as gracious patience.
People need time to grow.
New believers need discipleship.
Maturity doesn’t happen overnight.
People will fail. People will disappoint us.
Churches should be places overflowing with grace.
But sometimes leaders use the language of grace because confrontation costs something.
It costs emotional energy. It risks relational tension. It might make someone unhappy.
And if we’re being especially honest, pastors often know that unhappy people sometimes become unhappy givers, unhappy volunteers, unhappy Facebook commenters, or unhappy former members explaining their departure to everyone within a twelve-mile radius.
So suddenly “grace” becomes very attractive.
But shepherding people means occasionally walking toward uncomfortable things.
A shepherd who sees something dangerous approaching the sheep doesn’t say, “I’m just going to give this situation some grace.”
At some point, love acts.
This is what keeps Matthew 18 from becoming a weapon.
The goal is always restoration.
Jesus says if your brother listens“You have gained your brother.”
That’s the win.
The win is “I gained my brother.”
Which means Matthew 18 requires something from the person doing the confronting too.
Humility.
Self-examination.
Gentleness.
Courage.
And genuine love for the person sitting across from us.
Because biblical correction isn’t about putting someone in their place.
It’s about helping someone return to the right place.
Sometimes grace means overlooking an offense.
Sometimes grace means giving someone time.
Sometimes grace means forgiving seventy times seven.
And sometimes grace looks someone you love in the eye and says:
We need to talk about this.
Because avoiding every difficult conversation isn’t grace.
Often it’s fear. Many times it’s people-pleasing. Oftentimes it’s self-protection.
And sometimes we have simply discovered that saying “I’m extending grace” sounds considerably more spiritual than saying:
“I really don’t want them to be mad at me.”
Unfortunately, Jesus didn’t call pastors—or Christians—to keep everyone happy.
He called us to love one another.
And occasionally…love has to knock on the door and have the conversation.
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