Pursuing Magnetic Levitation #1986

I am reflecting on where I am at this point.

I didn’t expect to be exactly where I am a year ago.

I was working an empty job that paid me a lot. I was “proud” because it seemed cool. I had my business cards. I got sent on business trips. And nothing was “wrong” per se.

And then everything changed.

I’ve told the story many times in here, from the fireworks that scared Neptune while I was watching “Sinners” and led him to scratch his way through the wifi cord and break the internet, to the highway being closed from the storm, to the police, to work not being supportive, to the job becoming untenable.

And I ended up back in the classroom.

It feels nice mostly because it’s still what I’m best at.

There are struggles. Things that make me doubt myself as a teacher. The logistical issues of having a rough commute. The fact that one colleague is irresponsible in ways that lead to a small number of students being disrespectful to me and others.

But if you’d told me when I came back from Korea, that I’d be a high school teacher, with a house with a stream in the backyard and two sons with a lot of energy and intelligence, and three books into a writing career, I’d be surprised, and I guess I’d be happy.

I wish I hadn’t had to endure the emotional confusion I’d muddled through for many years, that made even the triumphs feel less joyful than they should have been. I ran two marathons under 3 hours in 3 weeks! And after each one I mostly felt worn out. I never really felt like jumping on a bed or screaming in joy. The emotions were turned off.

It took a lot of work to be able to turn them back on. And even now it feels “easier” to try and shut them off at certain times.

But I think for my sons, for their having a dad who is who they need him to be, it’s best, even with the difficulty, to not be numb and empty.

So at 40, I hope to show them a man who, while always lacking in some ways, is trying, and is real. So when they grow and they struggle, they’ll have a model, not of silence and stoicism, but of feeling and depth.

I think that’s the greatest gift I can give myself for this birthday, to be a real person instead of the persona I was trying to create for such a long time.