I feel deeply unhappy…

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Dear Philippa,

I’m an avid fan of your substack - long time reader, first time writer! I’m not even sure what I want to ask you but I felt compelled to write. Hopefully putting everything down will help me work that out, or at least be cathartic!

I am in what feels like early middle age, married to a wonderful man and have two beautiful young children. I work hard at a prestigious firm in a job that I feel mostly undervalued in, however I am laughably well-paid and do - at times - still find it interesting. We have a good network of friends and do not worry about money. I am proud that we are able to give our children a stable life and that they are always surrounded by people who care for them (even if some of that is in the form of paid help). In many ways I am living the life I would have wished for myself when I was younger.

My own childhood was fairly happy & I was largely oblivious to my father’s alcoholism until it became obvious even to a pre-teen. My mum took the brave decision to leave and move us hundreds of miles away so she could go back to work. My brother and I had to grow up quickly, we were aware our new life had to work & didn’t want to cause her undue stress - we both focused on being “model” children, worked hard at school, both went to Oxbridge. We never wanted to be a cause for concern. I do not want this pressure for my own children.

I guess why I’m writing is that even though I know I am so lucky, I feel deeply unhappy and like a square peg in a round hole - I am not trying enough, I am not present enough, I do not care enough, I am not happy enough. I often open my eyes in the morning and feel resigned about the day to come or panic at the thought of all future days feeling the same. I have previously done therapy which helps for a while but does not seem to get to the root of the problem (perhaps I did not commit enough).

I am not asking to feel elated every day but I would love to at least not feel constantly let down by myself in my own life. I would love your perspective. Thank you for reading!

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