My Parents Will Financially Ruin Me

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Dear Philippa

Throughout my childhood and now into my early 50s, my parents have had money and lost money, and it’s left me concerned about my own finances, with worry and resentment that their further money problems will impact me and I will have to bail them out.

When I was a child they went bankrupt which meant that we lost our home and moved into rental accommodation. My grandmother was kind to give us money to buy a new home. My parents were able to work and buy a house again. However, almost everything that they’ve built up, they’ve spent, including their pension and now this year, their home of 40 years, and they are now renting.

I believe my mother has a chronic spending problem and even after losing another home it doesn’t look like her spending is going to slow down. She had trauma as a child which may contribute to problems with planning. I’ve tried suggesting financial counselling but she won’t seek any help and doesn’t think she has a problem. My parents have argued throughout my life about money but my dad has stopped arguing now that he’s in his late 70s and has accepted their poor financial management and is permissible with her overspending and enables it.

She doesn’t buy extravagant things for herself, but overspends on gifts for friends of friends and relatives of friends and neighbours, and she also buys two of things rather than the one she needs, and has a huge stock of things she’ll probably never use. She also throws out food to make room for the new food she’s bought because she hasn’t looked at what she’s needed before she’s gone shopping. She puts the clothes dryer on when it’s hot outside, and uses energy like it’s free. There are many increments of spending and simply not looking at what she’s spending which has lost them so much. They were so upset about having to leave their home, which they’ve just left, but she can’t even see her role in this, and even just bought a gift for the new landlord’s grandson.

It’s so frustrating to see them making choices about what they’re buying for their rental home to make it comfortable but with little consideration of how much things cost or making money-based decisions.

Now they’ve paid off their debts from the sale of the home they have a small amount of money to last them the rest of their lives, and they’ve said that their financial planning is to either die in the next 5 years or to win the lottery. It is utterly exasperating and worrying in itself, but I worry that if they keep on spending like they are, which they will, that I will have to bail them out, and my financial situation is just okay, but what if they drag me down. I love them but I am worried that the care that I’ve taken to have a moderate retirement of my own and a bit of security is going to be impaired if they become desperate for money and I have to bail them out. I worry about this a lot and I wish I could stop worrying or protect myself and them.

Friends suggest practical things to try to get my parents to spend sensibly but it’s very difficult to be practical when my mum can’t think rationally about money, and now they’re in their late 70s, with my dad predicted to have a very long life, and not enough money to last them.

I can’t change their situation, it is so entrenched. How can I protect myself or change my thinking about the situation so I can relax about it?

I’m single without children and I’m aware of how important it is for me to protect myself for my older age. I worry that if their behaviour puts a dent in my security, for example, if I’m obliged to bail them out, that I will have long-term resentment even after they’ve died. They are very kind and loving people and I love them a lot. The only thing I can change is my own thinking about it. But what ways can I start doing that?

My Reply

You write, “I will have to bail them out.” I think it’ll be obvious to everyone but you that you don’t, so it’s really great that you wrote in. You are not legally responsible for them. You may choose to, or you may decide not to give them financial help, but you are not obliged to.

Your parents’ relationship with money has shaped your life for decades. Losing your home as a child because of financial difficulties is the sort of experience that can leave us feeling that security is fragile and can disappear without warning. It seems to me that you responded by becoming the opposite. You’ve built a life that feels financially responsible I expect because you never wanted to experience that uncertainty again.

You’ve already begun paying for your parents’ spending, only not in cash - in worry.

You describe in detail their wasteful habits and every decision they make seems to add to your fear they are edging closer to financial ruin…again. I get why you keep such close account because you are trying to work out whether the ground beneath your own feet is about to become unstable again. I’m wondering whether paying such close attention keeps you emotionally bound, in a heart sinking horrible way, to choices that are theirs, not yours.

I don’t think there is another argument or another piece of advice that is likely to change either of them. That leaves you with the question you can influence, which is how you want to respond if the situation deteriorates.

It may help to make that decision now, while there isn’t an immediate crisis. You could ask yourself what you would be prepared to do if they needed money. Would you contribute a fixed amount in a genuine emergency? Would you help them explore state benefits or other sources of support? Or would you decide that protecting your own retirement has to come first? You don’t have to tell them those decisions if you don’t want to. Equally, there may be something liberating about saying, kindly but clearly, “I love you both very much, but I won’t be supporting you financially if your money runs out because I have to protect my own future.” They may not welcome hearing it, but it would place the responsibility for their financial decisions where it belongs, with them, rather than leaving you to carry it in anticipation.

It’s okay to protect yourself and I’m wondering whether you’d think doing that was selfish? Whilst protecting your parents is somehow loving? Those aren’t opposite positions. There comes a point where looking after your own security becomes an act of responsibility, particularly when there is nobody else to do it for you.

You describe your parents as kind and loving people, and there is warmth in the way you write about them despite your frustration. I wondered whether love and responsibility have become so closely entwined that it has become difficult to imagine one without the other. Yet it is possible to love people very much and still refuse to rescue them from the consequences of decisions they continue to make. That may sound harsh, but I think it can also be an expression of respect. They are adults who have lived according to their own values and made their own choices throughout their lives. You are entitled to do the same.

I suspect stopping worrying altogether would be impossible. But you can remind yourself, each time your mind races ahead into a future that has not yet happened, that your parents are free to make their financial decisions and you are equally free to make yours. Holding on to that distinction may not remove the sadness, but it may help you put down some of the responsibility you have been carrying for a very long time.

Loving people does not make you automatically responsible for them.

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