"I am old, 50, I feel invisible at best".

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This is a problem that was sent to me when I was working on The Observer and although I replied privately to it, it was suitable because I didn’t want to cut anything from it because she tells her life story well. I feel for her a lot because we are imprisoned by the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and until we become aware that we can change the story, we do get stuck.

The letter

I am 50 and have been fighting against a tide which has always taken me far from the direction I was swimming for. All my life I have been trying to find a solution and I am tired of it all.

I was basically an imaginative child. But I didn’t get on with primary school. We moved after my first year at school and I never found friends in the new area or enjoyed school. I would daydream my way through the day, so much that I was put in the remedial group for a while. I was moved back in with everyone else eventually but maths never clicked with me so I was behind on that. Writing stories, drawing, playing music and singing were my pleasures. I had no friends, was plump and had goofy teeth so was bullied. The school and my parents did nothing but blame me when I defended myself by fighting back. Similarly, my parents always said they couldn’t tell the school I had ability, because it was my fault I did little work. I was miserable. I wanted to be in school plays and the dance drama group but the teachers always picked their favourites for everything and I was not one of them. I cried a lot at night.

I always dreamt of being the ugly duckling who would show them all what they had missed by becoming a beautiful strong swan when I got older. I would be successful. I would have friends. I would not have children, as this would probably prevent me from having the other things I wanted in life. I would be loved, as I am.

By the final year of primary school one teacher recognised that I had ability and tried to help me catch up on maths and do things but it was too late to prevent me failing my 11 plus and going to the secondary modern school. I didn’t want to go there but I had no choice. Everyone knew that it meant you were unlikely to do any exams of worth. The grammar schools did O levels but at the secondary modern they taught CSEs for almost every subject and class. I worked hard to defy the limitations and got some O levels/CSE 1s so I could go to an FE College to study for 3 A levels.

I wanted to pursue the creative side of me, but my parents steered me to written subjects and away from artistic and creative things. I really would have loved to be a performance artist but I sensed telling my family would gain no support. I actually told them of other plans, like going to study make-up for film/tv and theatre, but my mother said I wouldn’t get on the course (there was only 1 in the UK). School suggested I do a beauty therapy course instead. Later, if I talked about art college (even though I strangely failed my art O level in the end and never did A level), my mother couldn’t see the point in that at all.

I learnt that I had no support from my family. I only got support to do certain things.

My father left us after having an affair. I found a boyfriend who I adored. He seemed bright but had no aim to study after A levels. I think these events distracted me from studying a bit. My boyfriend made me feel loved in a way I had never had. I thought it wouldn’t make much of a difference but I think it did.

I actually enjoyed the FE college atmosphere, but academically I didn’t realise I was at a disadvantage with my previous school record/qualifications. I had some weird notion of FE college as a fresh start/record and didn’t realise how hard applying for universities would be. I thought I would apply and get conditional offers. Then I had to get the results. But I got rejected from all the places I wanted to go to. None of the places in clearing were ones I wanted. My confidence was shot. I put pressure on myself. I had to get wonderful results so they would have to take me.....

Of course that didn’t happen. I cried when I saw my results. They weren’t enough.

My mum had made me apply for teacher training. I tried phoning the universities but they wouldn’t give me any information on whether I might have a chance. The colleges were able to offer me degree places. Not quite what I wanted but maybe they would be just as good, I thought. So I chose one. It did mean moving to the opposite end of the country and leaving my boyfriend behind. We agreed to stay together anyway.

I hated college from the day I got there. I stuck it out because I thought it might get better. It didn’t. I made terrible choices of subject combinations, courses were cancelled that I had my heart stuck on, I made terrible choices of friends. I was stuck at a little college too far from the nearest city and the best gigs and creative people to gel/mix with. I was lonely. I found drink and drugs. Basically I ended up trying to get through the course despite hating almost all of it. 3 years is a long time to be stuck somewhere you hate, but I couldn’t see how I would get into anywhere better now. I had blown my chances of doing any course I had wanted by not getting good grades, hating college and doing badly there too....

I always thought I would gravitate towards my tribe of creative artistic people. But I never found them. My life had been full of missed opportunities and dreams. At this point I didn’t want to have to live with my mother. I wanted to live with my boyfriend and start a new life. I had given up on my dreams and decided to find a regular respectable job with a career path so I could build a life, find a home and be happy. By this time I had talked him into joining me at college as I had dropped out in my final year and had to go back. I had to wait for him to do his course, fight for my degree to be reclassified after an administration error led to coursework remaining ungraded, and apply for jobs.

Eventually we moved south and I got a job in London. I tried so hard to be what I was supposed to be to follow that career. I worked and did a postgraduate course. We lived in awful flats but I still held onto dreams of us getting past all the problems. He had an affair but gaslighted me for a long time. Eventually I had to move back to my mother’s place because I had no money. I tried to build myself up but all I had worked for was gone. I thought I would meet someone but it never happened. I rebounded into another bad relationship which ended badly. Then no-one. My career stymied. I had a manager with no faith in me, but plenty in my colleague who started the same day as me. We had a restructure. I saw this as an opportunity to make a sideways move into an alternative path/role but management made it clear they saw me in the same role and had already decided who would get the opportunities for career development. I was passed over for the roles I applied for because they wanted me where I was. With less pleasure in work, I resented that others got study leave but my manager would pretend that because I was so good they couldn’t let me have the time off.

I decided to give up drinking, which was really hard. At first this made me feel great - re energised. It gave me hope for the future. Maybe the drink/drugs were the problem holding me back all this time. I also did a total meal replacement diet to lose the weight that had piled on over the years and gave myself a physical makeover.

I returned to creative pursuits. Singing and acting classes. I began to dream of actually pursuing these things for real and fought real life obstacles to try to do so. I took voluntary redundancy and went to the only place that would take me. I don’t regret doing the course because it is the closest I ever got to actually doing what I wanted in my life. It did mean I was at a huge disadvantage when competing with others who had family/contacts and who had been to the best drama schools, especially at my age.

I had to fall back to the career I hated (it now more closely resembles being a teacher), for money, and I could see so clearly how I was exploited at work. I have no power in the workplace at all. I really don’t have any enthusiasm for work at all. My CV only leads to more work of the same nature that I hate. I don’t like the type of people who are successful in workplaces. I can’t identify with them at all. None of them have been serially unsuccessful like me. They see me as a loser to be exploited. So I have an unhappy work life when I work. I also have an unhappy home life.

I always had an idea of how I would have my home. I will never have my home. I am in a room I rent.

I missed the boat on finding my partner. I really wanted a creative partner. I wanted to be a muse and performer with my partner. Someone I could riff my creativity with, who valued the same things and activities and me. I miss being touched. I miss the physical too. I always wanted someone to travel with through life who valued me and made me smile.

I am trapped in a life I never wanted. Doing jobs I never wanted for too little money to do things I wanted to do. I never even got to have the relationship or the house. Some people have it all - the career/job, partner, house, children, pets, hobbies, travel, company.....

I probably shouldn’t have tried to progress academically at all, all those years ago. I should have had the confidence to reject it and do what I wanted, whatever it was, and change routes if I felt like it. I felt compelled to prove a point by achieving academic qualifications despite my schooling. What a waste of time and effort.

I am also old. 50. I feel invisible at best.

I have wondered whether somewhere out there in an alternate reality, there is a me having my life.

I was told I was an accidental baby. I wondered whether my mother would have had a better life if she had chosen not to have me. She might have left my father and met a better match who treated her better. Maybe I shouldn’t have been born at all. Maybe that is why everything goes wrong for me and I have been unhappy all my life. I have been on antidepressants most of my life, although I don’t know if they really make any difference. I have tried positive thinking, have had cognitive behavioral therapy and have little faith in anyone offering me any practical help that will actually make a positive change to my life.

I have felt this way for some time (years). I don’t even enjoy my hobbies anymore because they have failed to offer me the escape they cruelly offered. I actually preferred the pandemic lockdowns because at least no-one expected anything of me. I could hide away in the house and avoid the outside world as much as possible. I feel resentful and angry about the interactions with the world that I have to do.

If I can’t be happy, I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be lied to, told this will all get better etc etc. I don’t want my expectations raised at all, if it is all a sham. I have spent years trying to put a smile on and face the world, telling myself it will get better. It never does. It gets worse, because I am older and the chances of positive change are much slimmer.

I resent that I seem to have been put in this world to watch others being happy whilst I feel alone and empty and I can find no solution to all of it.

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