Restlessness in a long term relationship

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Dear Philippa,

I am in my mid 30ies and I have been in a relationship with my partner for 15 years. I often find myself judging him and our relationship, I am crippled with doubt and it is making me suffer to some extent. Overall it is not so bad we own a house, we have a one year old, we do things together. But we are so very different I am outgoing and sociable, while he’s an introvert, and happy to stay home. For example whenever we go out he wants to go home asap while I want to stay out as long as possible. When things work out well we complement each other, I help him get out of his comfort zone and experiment things and he helps me stay grounded.

I come from a very chaotic family, my parents had huge rows in front of us, I was scared of my older brother (2 years older) who often hit me. I have trouble regulating my emotions and my partner has been a comforting and steady presence in that regard, he never withdraws his love. I think in my family we did a lot of activities, travels, outings, socialising and I have come to associate busyness with happiness, so when my partner is happy staying at home a whole weekend I feel desperate and lonely! I understand the way my family did it was too much even as a child I felt depressed when we went home on Sunday nights, but I still do want to explore around our home and the world, to me it’s just a question of balance.

Before the baby we found a balance where I would go out and he stayed home and we would still do some activities together, but with a baby that’s more complicated, we are now a family and I would like us to do more the 3 of us. I guess we were two independent items and I want us to be more “joined together”.

We are at the two extremes in terms of personality, and we fell in love very young,

I guess I would like to know if my doubts are valid or if the grass won’t be greener; if I should be happy with good enough and work with what I have. He’s really not a bad person or toxic, but is this as good as it gets ? Or is this just me trying to sabotage something good because I am used to feeling unsafe and unworthy ?

I do care for him, and we have a lot of good things, we have always respected each other, we share the same values, I think he’s a good person.

The other big thing between us is that he doesn’t want a second child, and it breaks my heart. I was already the one who pushed for the first, and he says to him it is already a lot of work and responsibility. I am starting to grieve that desire as I really wanted to be pregnant/give birth again, and see our son with a sibling, I have found so much joy and purpose in motherhood. It is also gruelling at times but I think i enjoy the rollercoaster of emotions, the rawness of it all. My partner is a good father and loves his son very much but I do the bulk of child rearing (partner pulls his weight at home in other ways). Secretly I am hoping my partner will change his mind once our son is older and more independent. For now I am trying not to think about it because it is too painful.

Sorry for the length, I hope you can help me find clarity and a newfound purpose in my relationship.

My Reply

Have you learnt to associate activity with being alive and happy? Does quietness make you feel uneasy, because in your childhood home you associated it with the calm before a storm? And, when you’ve been brought up in chaos, it’s often the case that people, not used to calmness, hunt or create a bit of drama to feel alive. Quiet can feel wrong, but it’s not wrong, it’s merely unfamiliar. Your partner is not depriving you of a good life when he wants to stay home, he has a different idea of what a good life feels like.

Fifteen years together, shared values, respect, affection and a man whose love doesn’t disappear when your emotions get difficult sounds like quite a lot. “Is this as good as it gets?” can be a dangerous question because somewhere in our heads there is always an imaginary partner who gives us everything this one does and also wants to stay at the party.

You don’t have to become alike. Could family life contain some outings the three of you do together, some things you do without him, and some weekends where he gets his wish and nobody goes anywhere? A family doesn’t have to move as one unit all the time to be a great family.

The second child feels different to me. I wouldn’t bury that sadness and secretly wait for him to change his mind. He may change it, but he may not, and meanwhile hope can stop you grieving what may be a real loss. Rather than hoping in private, please have conversations about this. These conversations are not to persuade him but about each of you saying what having, or not having, another child means to each of you. Take on board his feelings about this too.

And, if you accept him as he is now rather than try to wish him into being more sociable he’ll not be under as much pressure. Acceptance is a form of loving.

You ask whether your doubts are valid or whether you are sabotaging something good. My answer is, what makes a good relationship great, is committing to it.

Don’t make him into the person responsible for all the unlived versions of your life.

Don’t compare him to a fantasy partner.

If you want to get out more, get out more and let go of the expectation that the whole family has to come too. Go on your own, or with your child, and perhaps sometimes he’ll want to come as well. When he does come, make arrangements so you don’t have to leave the party when he does - I often go home and leave my husband at a party, we all have different capacities for socialising. Compromise does means not always getting everything we imagine we want, and there is a lot to be said for being grateful for what we do have. We need, to a great extent, accept the people we love as they are and love them for who they are. It’s not always easy and that’s okay.

Is the grass greener on the other side, or does it just look like that because it’s an artificial lawn?

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