At Least He's Not Like My Ex

There’s a statement almost every woman says to herself when she meets someone she’s interested in after leaving a narcissist: “At least he’s not like my ex.” But honestly? That’s one of the most dangerous statements you can carry into a new relationship. I know this because I said it too. And I hear it from the women I work with all the time when they finally take the leap into the dating world after narcissistic abuse. So let’s talk about why “he’s nothing like my ex” is the wrong bar, and what to put in its place.

Here’s what happens. The ex becomes our only point of reference. We know exactly what we don’t want, in painful detail. So the minute a new guy shows up and he’s not doing those things (raging, controlling, whatever our particular experience of awful was) we exhale and think we hit the jackpot. But “not as bad as that guy” is just relief, not a standard. And relief is not the same as being safe.

The truth is, in the early stages of a relationship we genuinely cannot tell the difference between someone love bombing us and someone who authentically, genuinely cares. We just can’t. Because in the beginning, all we’re seeing is someone who is presenting themselves the way they want to be seen, and we are doing the exact same thing. That’s why we call it the honeymoon phase. Nobody walks in on a first date and says, “Hey, just so you know, I’m going to wear you down slowly over the next six months, until I’m sure that you’re hooked and won’t leave me when I abuse you.” We all show up in our Sunday best. So if you can’t spot it, what do you do?

This is the shift. No one can truly detect a narcissist on date one. What you can do is be healthy enough that you wouldn’t be attractive to one in the first place. Because this is how the hook actually happens. When someone is showing you their absolute best, the attention, the “I’ve never felt this way,” the soulmate talk, that hit of dopamine, feeling seen, chosen by someone, goes straight to the old wound. Right past your better judgment, straight to the place that’s been starving for affection. And it feels so good that you stop asking questions.

The healthier version of you will still feel the rush. The difference is that this version doesn’t just hand over their whole heart (your diamonds) because of it. You stop to think, "We've known each other for a week. How could this person possibly know that they love me? They don't even know my true worth because I haven't shown them yet." That right there is self-protection. And even better, self-respect.

THE SCIENCE

Our power lies in our ability to name what’s going on under all of this, because once you understand it, you stop blaming yourself for it. Name it to tame it.

The hook I just described, the rush that goes straight to the old wound, has a name. It’s called a trauma bond.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, the psychologist who coined the term, describes it as what happens when fear and relief come from the same person, over and over. The bad moments spike your stress, cortisol and adrenaline. Then the affection floods back in, and your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin, the feel-good chemicals. Threat, then relief. Threat, then relief. Your body learns to crave the very person who is hurting it.

Unpredictable kindness is a form of intermittent reinforcement. You never know when the good version is coming back, so you keep waiting, keep hoping, keep trying. It’s the same wiring that keeps a person sitting at a slot machine. This is not a character flaw by any means. It’s biology, and it’s conditioning. And what was conditioned can be unconditioned.

Now, let’s talk about the trauma bond. Breaking a trauma bond is not about willpower. It’s the hardest thing in the world to do, but it can be done. How? I’m glad you asked. In order to break the trauma bond, you have to remove the source. Easier said than done, trust me, I know. But I did it, and so can you. Removing the source is the only way to allow your nervous system to reset. The research points to the same things every time. Distance from the person. Genuine support, ideally someone who understands how narcissistic abuse literally rewires the brain, such as a trauma-informed professional. And time. Most people will feel a sense of relief within a few months of no contact, and deeper healing over the year or two that follow (yes, I said a year or two; there are no shortcuts, you have to trust the process). And trust me, the craving will fade. The fog will lift. And you will get your self back.

Now, about your gut. Remember? The thing that used to send you a physical message that said something’s not right? Well, it’s time to tune back into it. But there is a reason that it goes quiet in the first place.

Dr. Stephen Porges calls it neuroception. Your body is constantly reading the room for safety or danger, below your thinking mind, faster than thought. That low hum in your stomach is real information. But Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, who wrote The Body Keeps the Score, found that trauma scrambles that signal. It cuts the line between you and your own body, so you stop trusting what you feel.

This is the conditioning that created the trauma bond. You were trained to override your gut to keep the peace.

But wait, don’t throw in the towel yet! The good news is you have the ability to rebuild that connection. Though it is a slow process, you can get quiet enough to feel yourself again. That’s another reason to protect your peace and your time. Your nervous system may be telling you, this is boring, or, I’m lonely, I need companionship. That’s the wrong voice, don’t listen to it! Instead, remind yourself that you are resting, giving your nervous system a break, a chance to reset. What’s really happening is you are giving your gut back the safety it needs to talk to you again.

Most importantly, this is the deep practice of learning to love yourself. Dr. Kristin Neff has spent her career studying self-compassion, and she breaks it into three simple moves:

1. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would give to your best friend. Remember, you may feel alone in this, but that is a lie that forms when we isolate because of shame and guilt.

2. Don't try to avoid the hard feelings. Just notice them without looking for distractions (know what your favorite distractions are: binging Netflix? Shopping? Sex? (no judgement). Or my personal favorite, chocolate).

3. Sit with the uncomfortableness. Research proves that you will become less anxious, more resilient, and with practice, you will bounce back faster. Note to self: Loving yourself is not a prize at the end of the race. It is the training that gets you there.

My favorite subject to teach is boundaries. We tend to think of a boundary as a rule we set with someone and then expect them to respect it. Now, this may be doable in a healthy relationship, but if you are reading this post, it’s because you know that is not the case. You have to accept that the same rules just don’t apply in a relationship with a narcissist. You must know that your boundary is yours first. What you do with it teaches them what to do in return. Yes, you are teaching them how to treat you. That is the power you have in every relationship. So, let's say your boundary is being in bed by nine, because sleep is important to you. You're out, you're having a great time, and they say, "I know you said nine, but we're having so much fun, one more hour won't hurt, right?" The minute you say "okay, one more hour," two things just happened. You relaxed your own boundary. And you told them that your boundaries are negotiable when you’re vibing with them.

Now let’s flip it. You say, “We are having a great time, but nine is still my cutoff. But I’m really looking forward to next time.” That’s you respecting your own boundary. And now they have a choice: honor it, or push. If they push back? That’s not a small thing. That’s your red flag waving like hair in the wind. But be warned, to them it is a challenge to see how much you will let them get away with. And while your hair is flapping in the wind, getting in your eyes and your mouth (super annoying right?) your first instinct may be to just shove your hair aside and rationalize: It’s just an hour, what’s the big deal? I am having so much fun, I really don’t want this night to end. I’ll just go into work late and have a few extra cups of coffee. The red flag is now a green light that you zoom right through because you’re already all in.

So have your boundaries. And hold yourself responsible for them, even when part of you wants to bend them. See this as an opportunity to show them who you are, not rigid, but confident. This is your chance to learn something extremely valuable about them, and it can make or break your ability to avoid a potential narcissist and choose a healthy person.

I wrote a whole separate post called Don’t Give Your Diamonds Away for Pennies, and this is the heart of it. Picture the most beautiful diamond in the jewelry store. You save for a year to buy it. When you finally get it, you don’t toss it on the bathroom counter. You clean it, you keep it in its box, you put it somewhere safe. You treat it like the hard-earned cash that it cost you.

Your empathy is that diamond. It’s precious, and it’s priceless. So why do we give it to a near-stranger, just because they’re charming and they make us feel good? You’re allowed to make someone earn access to your empathy.

Yes, you make me feel special,

but how do I know I can trust you with the most valuable part of me?

You’re going to have to prove it.

Here’s the kicker: your attachment is a diamond too. If you're a person who loves being in a committed relationship like me, attachment forms fast. You may find yourself talking for hours every night, all day, can't-put-the-phone-down. That can feel like connection. But it's also a trap; it’s exactly how you get hooked before you've given yourself time to gather any real information. So protect your availability the same way. Your time, your access, when someone gets to be in your home, because those are boundaries too.

This is the reframe that takes all the pressure off: you are not out there to find The One. You’re out there to practice. To learn about yourself. To get reps in. Just like shooting a free throw (that’s basketball for any non-sports fans), you’re going to miss. Nobody steps up to the line for the first time and swishes it. You miss the rim completely, you adjust, you clip the edge, you adjust again, and a hundred misses later, swoosh.

Dating is no different. Maybe you fall too fast and he ghosts you, and you're furious at yourself. Of course you are! But consider that a practice rep. Now, give yourself some grace and you take the next one. Getting it "wrong" is how you find out where your lines actually are. We usually don't know where the line is until we've stepped over it and realize we were justifying, rationalizing, or minimizing along the way. (Watch out for all the -izings.)

How many of us have said, “I can’t expect them to be perfect, I have my faults too!” (I know I’m not the only one.) That’s what kept me in my marriage longer than it should have. Listen, this isn’t about them being flawless. Everyone can have a bad day. Some people get road rage, some have one too many, and these don’t automatically make them a villain. You’re allowed to mental-note it without crossing them off, but also without explaining it away. Noting it keeps you awake. Justifying puts you back to sleep.

It’s not the bad day that matters, it’s the repair, the comeback, the consistency. Can they own it, take accountability, and show you through action that they get it? Because an apology is an action, not a statement. “I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again” are words. What does the apology look like? That’s the question.

BOTTOM LINE

You can do everything in this post and still get love bombed and still find out three months in that you’ve actually encountered a jerk. That’s useful data, not wasted time and not a setback. The goal is not to meet Mr./Mrs. Right on the first date. The goal is to stay attached enough to enjoy it, and unattached enough to protect yourself from Mr./Mrs. Wrong.

Now, go practice. It gets more natural with every shot.

Here is the bar to set in its place. Four moves that beat “he’s not like my ex.”

1. Get healthy, not vigilant. You can’t spot a narcissist on date one. You can become someone they can’t hook.

2. Make them earn access. Your empathy, your time, your home. All of it is earned, not given.

3. Hold your own boundary first. A boundary is yours before it is theirs. What you allow, you teach.

4. Treat dating as practice. You are not there to find The One. You are there to get your reps in.

In Internal Family Systems work, the part of you that falls fast and hands over everything in week one is not foolish. She is a protector. She learned a long time ago that love had to be grabbed quickly and held tightly, or it would vanish. She is not weak. She is loyal. She has just been running an old program.

You do not quiet her by shaming her. You quiet her by thanking her, and letting her know you are the adult in the room now. She does not have to secure the love anymore. You will.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23)

Guarding is not closing. A guarded heart still loves. It simply decides who gets the key.

Relief is not safety. And not as bad as him is not the same as good for you.

If you have not left yet, or you left last week and everything still feels strange, this part is for you. You are not broken because you fell fast. You are not foolish because you missed the signs. You were trained, carefully and over a long time, to talk over the very instinct that was trying to save you. Of course you cannot hear your gut yet. It has been shouted down for years.

It comes back. Quietly. A small no that you actually keep. A rush you feel and do not act on. That is not nothing. That is the beginning of everything.

Where have you been calling relief safety? And whose access to you have you never once made them earn?

You can feel the rush, and still keep your diamond in the safe.

Passage to Peace is a healing and transformation program for survivors of narcissistic abuse, built on the five stages I lived through myself. If you are ready to stop scanning for red flags and become the healthy, awake woman a narcissist could never hook, your journey begins here.

I'm ready to date awake