2 Things You Have to Protect (When Living With or Leaving a Narcissist)

When we first met, he made me feel so safe and comfortable. I felt like I could tell him anything. And I did. My fears. My dreams. My past relationships. Even my childhood trauma.

He listened. He showed care and concern. I felt seen and heard.

I fell for him fast and hard. I just knew he was the one. He would protect me and keep me safe. I wanted to be his everything, because he was mine.

This is a hard one to write. But if you are living with a narcissist, or leaving one, there are two things you have to protect. I gave away both. You need to read this.

THE ROAD MAP

As time went on, I noticed he would bring up things I had shared with him in moments where he wanted me to do something I didn’t want to do.

“You did it with your last boyfriend,” he would say.

But that was the very thing I DIDN’T want to ever do again. It wasn’t something I enjoyed. It was a part of my past I had left behind, because I found him. My protector. So I thought.

Little did I know that what I shared with him became a road map for him to use to get the same thing for himself.

The guilt trips came dressed up as love:

"Don't you want to make me happy?"

"I want all of you, everything you gave to someone else. I deserve the same and more because I love you."

"If you love me you would show me."

I did love him. And to prove it, I had to show him. That is what previous relationships taught me. That I had to earn love. Prove it. Whether I agreed with the “how” or not.

But how did I end up in the same position with my protector? My knight in shining armor? He tapped into my wounds and found the people pleaser in me.

I couldn’t say no. So I did what survivors do.

I justified. I rationalized. I minimized. He’s different. He loves me. My past relationships were nothing like this. Just this once won’t hurt. What can it hurt?

I loosened my boundaries. I told myself I would never do that again, but this time is different. He is different.

And gradually, what began as a one-time thing turned into a second, third, fourth. Every time, he used my past to convince me that this is who I am. The conditioning led me to second-guess myself. Maybe it is, and I just didn’t realize it? If he’s happy, I should be too. So I morphed into who he wanted me to be, until I no longer knew who the “real” version of me was.

The 1st thing you have to protect from a narcissist:

Had I known my past would be weaponized and used against me for his benefit, I wouldn’t have shared it. But isn’t that what we do in a relationship where we feel safe and loved?

It should be. But how and when do we know we are truly “safe”? Are we looking for safety, or are we just going with what feels right?

Usually it’s the latter. We allow our feelings to determine our safety. And as I always tell my clients: feelings are not facts.

In my case, the fact was that I didn’t give the relationship a chance to demonstrate safety. I acted on my feelings. And more importantly, on what I wanted to see. But what I saw was through the lens of past trauma, not present reality.

And the reality was that I missed ALL of the red flags:

1. Rushing intimacy. Everything moved fast. The deep conversations, the future plans, the feeling that I had known him forever after only weeks. It felt like connection. It was acceleration. And acceleration keeps you from looking too closely.

2. The soul mate. I just knew he was the one. But that surely didn’t come from time or demonstrated behavior. It came from him presenting himself as everything I had been waiting for. When someone feels too perfect too soon, it’s more than likely because they are performing.

3. Mirroring. He loved making me feel special. He wanted to be my knight in shining armor. He reflected my values, my dreams, even my wounds right back to me. I thought I had finally been understood. But what I really saw in front of me was a reflection of everything I had shared.

4. Gradual conditioning. One small ask at a time. Each one a little further past my boundaries. Each one justified with my own past. Grooming. It shaped my life so completely that I named my first book after it.

But should I blame myself? Absolutely not. And neither should you.

FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS

In a healthy relationship, we express our feelings openly and honestly, with the expectation of being heard, understood, validated, and responded to with genuine care and concern. Most importantly, with empathy.

How are we to know when this is not the intention of someone we love?

It’s so natural for us to express our feelings. But we only learn it is not safe after we experience the betrayal of our feelings being used against us, when we least expect it.

When I fell in love, the feelings flood gates opened. Being vulnerable with him was my natural state of being. It was who I was. It felt comfortable and safe.

Until I realized my feelings were being weaponized too.

No didn’t mean no. To him, no meant maybe. Then yes, with persuasion.

The 2nd thing you have to protect from a narcissist:

When I felt disrespected or unappreciated, it became an opportunity for him to trump my feelings with his needs. This tapped into my people-pleasing and caretaking flaws. Not an accident on his part. And I found myself giving in, loosening boundaries until they disappeared completely.

THE PATTERN

There is a name for what happened every time I tried to bring my feelings to him. It is called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Here is what it looked like in my house. Maybe this sounds familiar.

But wait. What happened to my feelings of being disrespected? Did it even happen? Why was I even feeling that way? He's right, I'm being too emotional. I don't want him to think I don't appreciate him. I'll just let it go. Be quiet. Just be grateful for what we have.

That is exactly what DARVO does. It shows you their version of you, over and over, until you mistake it for your own.

"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours."

Their tactics belong to them. Your reaction, and your reality, belong to you.

Wayne Dyer

If you are still living with a narcissist, or still untangling from one, this is the one tool you can take and use starting today:

1. Name it. Say to yourself: this is DARVO. Recognizing it while it is happening is what weakens it. More on that below.

2. Don’t JADE. Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. It is an old recovery-room acronym, and it fits here perfectly. Every justification, every argument, every defense, every explanation gives them more material.

3. Don’t react. The reaction is what they are fishing for. It’s their fuel.

4. Remove yourself from the conversation. Stop talking. You do not have to win an argument that was never about the truth.

5. Repeat to yourself: I know my reality. My feelings are valid.

That’s it. Five steps. Not because your feelings don’t deserve to be heard. They do. But because this person has shown you, over and over, that the hearing will never come from them.

THE SCIENCE

I couldn’t understand how he was able to do this to me over and over. I felt weak and confused. This is what helped me stop blaming myself.

That is why I write these posts. Naming it is protection.

IF YOU ARE STILL IN IT

Maybe you are reading this with that sick feeling of recognition. You told them everything too. And somewhere along the way, your secrets became their leverage and your tears became their ammunition.

Hear me when I say, sharing yourself was never the mistake. You loved the way open-hearted people love. They were the one who took something sacred and turned it into a weapon. That is on them. Not you.

And I’m not saying that you should lock yourself away. Protection does not mean isolation. There are people in this world who can be responsible with your story without ever using it against you. I have them in my life now. The difference is, I no longer let my feelings decide who is safe. I let time and demonstrated behavior decide. Safe people show you they are safe, over and over, before you hand them the vulnerable parts.

You will get there too. Your information is precious. Your feelings are valid. And the day you start protecting them is the day the manipulation starts losing its grip.

You were never too trusting. You were trustworthy, and you assumed they were too. Now you get to heal.