Ghosting is when we leave a relationship and the other person has no clue why. We cut off communication. We’re not answering phone calls, text messages, emails, nothing. Tellin’ it like it is, is aggressive. We’ve told the person everything we think they need to know about themselves, and probably told them some stuff they never needed to know. The middle ground between those two is graciously stepping away.
Ending relationships is not easy. Sometimes we overthink what needs to be said. We behave as though we need to provide people with an exit interview. We feel like we either have to say nothing, or tell the person all the reasons why we don’t want to be in a relationship with them, and offer suggestions for how they can improve in the future. I tried that with an ex once. He hung up on me.
When we are parting ways, it is enough to say:
I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.
I think our friendship has transitioned.
I don’t think we’re equally yoked.
The person that I was when we met is not who I am now.
I’m not in a space to be in this relationship right now.
There are so many creative ways we can let someone know that we want the relationship to end without giving them a powerpoint presentation of all the reasons why it’s not working. Furthermore, if we feel like we need to tell them all of that, we need to ask ourselves some questions:
Do I want to tell them all of this for my benefit or for theirs?
Is it helpful to this person to know all of this?
What is the intended outcome of sharing this with them?
When we are on the receiving end of a relationship ending, sometimes we wish we knew why, or what happened. Because we know how it feels, it compels us to want to give people reasons why. However, we have to remember how hard it is to accept the why that is given to us.
If we don’t want to be in a relationship with someone, we don’t have to be. We are not required to offer an explanation, and one may not be welcomed. What we think is valuable information may not be to someone else. We may think what we’re sharing is helpful, but that doesn’t mean it will be received that way.
We can’t control how people feel, or what information they think is important to share. Our work is to end things gracefully and deal with our own grief or relief, or whatever feelings may arise.
How do you end relationships?
When someone ends a relationship with you do you want to know why? Why or why not?
Grieving Someone Still Alive: Moving On Without Closure, by Samantha Barcham, DCPsych, on Psychology Today.
The Most Important Part of Therapy Happens After You Leave the Therapist’s Office, by Joan M. Cook, on TIME.
The Pain of Caring for a Parent Who Abused You, by Katie Engelhart, on The New York Times Magazine.
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