Today marks a year since I had a hysterectomy. A whole-arse year has gone that totally didn’t go according to plan. From recovery, to medically-induced menopause, to cancer diagnosis, to so many appointments, and everything in between, 2025 brought me back to base. In a year that felt incredibly emotional and unsteady but where I also had to dig deep and trust in life and my support network, I wanted to share some of what’s helped.
“I get to do this.” On my last birthday at the end of July, I experienced a real shift and deep gratitude at the privilege of ageing and being here. After feeling so low and scared, I made a very conscious intention to approach day-to-day life differently. So I found pleasure and peace in some of the minutiae of my life that’s oh-so easy to gripe about and feel ground down (e.g. chores, impromptu lifts for busy teens, admin) while also endeavouring to be more intentional about where I spend my bandwidth. It’s still a work in progress but I’ve found much joy and mindfulness in this approach. I get to be here. I get to do certain things. But I get to choose not to do certain things too.
Not wearing a smart watch. After my hysterectomy, the whole being harangued by my watch when I was shuffling around in pain wore thin pretty quickly. Apple Watches and the like don’t care abut your particular circumstances, so I’ve hardly worn mine, instead only putting it on when I need to track something. In this vein, after almost five years of Duolingo, I’ve let the streak go. I don’t need so many things in my life, especially learning a language for pleasure, to be gamified.
Resting more than felt comfortable and not doing much even when it felt like I should be doing a lot or I felt very out of control.
Reading every day. I’ve been a heavy reader from a young age, and as a result, whether I’m reading is a barometer of whether I’m connected to and making space for myself. When I turned 48 at the end of July, I realised that in spending months in grief, anxiety and appointments, I’d read 5-6 books. So I vowed to read every day, ideally morning and evening, even if only for 15 minutes. The transformation was immediate. And not that it’s about the number of books (see #2), but I read 54 books by the end of 2025 and reading helped restore me.
Rejoining the library. I spent my childhood in south Dublin libraries Dalkey, Dun Laoghaire and Shankill and remembered how much I enjoy moseying around them. Now I pop in a few times a week and have cancelled my Audible membership after nearly a decade.
Accepting any and all offers of help. In the autumn, I noticed that different situations were presenting themselves where I was being offered help and opportunities. On noticing resistance, I decided to dig deep and accept. Sure, not all of it came through, but aside from making my life easier in unexpected ways, I learned a lot about myself in the process.
Writing a mini memoir in the midst of the most difficult time of my life. It helped me figure out what I need while also inviting me to look at challenges in new ways.
Six weeks of counselling to help process the diagnosis. Macmillan, the cancer charity, supported me through the first few months post-diagnosis. Having somewhere to turn up to each week to talk about this thing that blew up my life helped me gain some of myself back.
Taking part in a spoken word event. I submitted a short piece to Amy I Beeson 🐝’s Christmas-themed Write Up event. It was only after getting picked that I realised I’d never performed a piece before. Eek! But I did it and had a blast getting very much out of my comfort zone.
Challenging my younger self’s notions of what she can do. After feeling a bit panicked when asked to give the speech on behalf of my school year at our alumni event, I said yes. My teen self needed to see how far I’d come and I enjoyed making the room howl laughing.
Going home to Dublin a couple of times (also see #10, #29 and #30) and having some of my besties visit me here in the UK.
Journaling for most of the year. I’ve had a steady journaling habit for over a decade. There was a lot of rage on the page last year but journaling, as ever, also helped me connect to myself and process. It made me have necessary conversations and dare to think about the future in a positive way.
Learning to exercise and, jaysus, actually enjoying it. I had six months of physio following my hysterectomy, and it quickly became apparent that I have to basically rebuild myself. Also, thanks to now being in menopause and being unable to have any external hormones due to the cancer, exercise is also protective. Noticing the difference in how my body feels and what it’s able to do versus a year ago finally got my buy-in to regular exercise. But, of course, I’m not going overboard!
Doing the first four weeks of Couch to 5K and then listening to my body when it said it didn’t want to continue. I really enjoyed running with my bro, my husband and our dog Chester but as the exertion increased, my body slammed the brakes on me.
Having regular therapy. It sometimes surprises people to know that I’ve not had a great deal of traditional therapy, given everything I’ve written and talked about at Baggage Reclaim. But I knew I needed extra support given the health and work anxiety I was experiencing and feeling, well, rather discombobulated after navigating some big life traumas and upheavals over the last couple of years.
Discovering my old diaries from my teens and early twenties. While getting the Christmas decorations out of the attic, I stumbled across a box of photos that had my missing diaries underneath. They’re an eye-opening read that made me feel renewed compassion for my younger self and also helped make sense of some stuff coming up in therapy.
Lots of unexpected travel, including two weeks in Mexico, a wedding in Italy, a 50th in Spain, and a few days in Ghana visiting my father-in-law.
Getting into DIY. It felt really good to go from thinking about something to executing, plus I found it rather meditative.
Buying most of my clothing new and secondhand on Vinted (and similar). My shopping habits have changed dramatically, and I love it.
Slowly decluttering my way around the house and selling, donating or [responsibly] discarding.
Letting go of the ‘author’ identity. Whenever we over-identify with something, which happens to all of us at different points and about different things, it gets in the way of recognising our options and honouring our true needs and wants. Of course, I’m still an author of several books, but I’m also so much more.
Crying more than I ever have. There’s nothing like a Jamaican/Chinese/Irish/English upbringing to stifle your tears in adult life. But then 2025 came along and I found myself getting emotional privately and publicly — and it was okay.
Not chasing after people. You realise how much some folks expect you to be the One Who Always Has Their Stuff Together when you don’t and it’s crickets from them.
Contributing to Antonia Taylor’s white paper, ‘Being Seen’, on women and visibility and then being part of her launch panel event.
Going to Selina Barker’s soundbath event to mark the launch of her new Goodbye 2025, Hello 2026 journal and reflecting on the toughest year with Emma Gannon.
Voice noting and meeting up with various pals who helped me see myself and my future differently.
Not expecting myself to be ‘on’. I find life much easier when I don’t force myself to perform okayness and happiness because then I get to feel and deal and then move on and through.
Going on Fearne Cotton’s Happy Place podcast to talk about people pleasing and being reminded that I know some stuff.
Sea swimming. Had everyone cracking up laughing as I squealed my head off at the cold but I absolutely loved it.
Baking Life-Changing Bread every week since September. I first tried it in Dublin in September and was like, “What is this?” I’ve hardly eaten processed, gluten-free bread since and my tummy and gut also feel a lot happier.
Irish Dairy Milks, Barry’s decaf tea, and Twirl bars. Although I’m going easier on sugar this year because much as I love chocolate, I don’t need to eat as much of it, although I do appreciate chocolate for helping me through some hard days.
Playing Rummikub. This game brought a lot of joy to our family last year. We played at home and on holiday and had the funniest conversations.
Readying my eldest to move to university and watching her blossom and soar. Getting her organised to move up north felt like a full-time job and so emotional, but it was also what I needed. My 18-year-old baby lives hundreds of miles away and has a whole-arse life of her own, and I love it.
Not putting myself under pressure to reply to messages straightaway. Sometimes, probably a lot of the time, messages can wait.
Surrendering to not knowing. And lather, rinse, repeat. By god, I want to feel so much more in control and this last year has pushed every button from childhood. But I’m not in charge of the universe, and my people pleasing, perfectionism, overgiving, overthinking and over-responsibility will.not.change.this!
Not being on social media much and being super intentional about my news consumption. These aren’t great places to be when you’re feeling low and scared.
Doing tough things earlier/in smaller bites. Something I learned about myself last year is that my perfectionism shows itself in delaying on something because of feeling like I have to do it a particular way or in totality. Then it becomes apparent that if I’d addressed it earlier or done it in smaller chunks, it would be over already. Feck’s sake! 🤣
Remembering that I’m okay. Worrying about whether I won’t be okay was destroying me. It took until July for me to full register this. I’m okay.
Here's to 2026. I don't know what it holds, but I do know I want to let myself live. That I want to move on. And that I'm okay.
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