Reading · My Brainiac Amor

I was unable to sleep last night due to the kind of panic I would prefer to avoid. I mean who wants to panic? But this panic creeps up on you. The kind of panic that only arises in the middle of the night, right out of a dream, when I am raw and bare to the universe, naked to god. The thing is that it doesn’t feel like my own dream, it feels like layers and layers of someone else’s dreams, or many people’s dreams, the kind of panic that insinuates the possibility that god is not present after all. That I (we) are actually alone and where there may have once been the possibility that we could provide for ourselves, we never quite got there, We never quite got THERE. To that place where we were meant to be protected. To that place that was promised us.

And, as I reminded myself in that panic last night, this is real. We are actually feeling these things. Convincing ourselves that this is not true, beating ourselves up for being weak does not help. WE ARE ACTUALLY FEELING THAT FEELING.

I am not making it up, the rawness, the lack of protection, the endless swimming, the treading water. This is what it feels like to live in the dissolve of capitalism. I am actually feeling it and I bet you are feeling it too. We are feeling each other. We don’t need to ‘correct’ this feeling, we don’t need to overcome it, we need to be there together. Wouldn’t it be wild if this is where we are meant to be. That this is THERE, the place we were going all this time.

This holy moment of experiencing the void is an opportunity to learn to accept this moment of revelation, to not wish that it was other. To find a generosity in what is happening. This is not spiritual bypassing.

Leave a comment

There are many of you that have heard me tell the story of my medicine experience of the bottom of the ocean, of my intentional journey into the depths everything that I was attempting to protect myself from. It was in the beginning of my plant spirit journey many years ago, a time where no matter how much I tried to control dosage or environment to avoid the freefall of my psyche, the shattering of my perceptions, I kept getting drawn into an unbearably painful, violent vortex. One of my daughters mentioned simply one morning that perhaps the medicine was trying to show me something. Ummmmm, wow. The generosity of the darkness. Not a punishment. Not a death, necessarily. But an invitation.

Like any journey story of walking or swimming blindly to the dark, it took a lot of courage to hold myself tenderly and remain focused as I committed to following the pain the deeper I went. I felt the urge to escalate at every moment, to get hysterical and cry for help, but it was just that, an urge, an urgency, the desire to run away. I knew I was so close to epiphany. I did my best to hold myself. I could feel it within the compression, the loss of oxygen and self, and then I arrived. Just like that. Through my imagined miasma of fear, I reached the darkest place possible and it was surprisingly still and welcoming. Although I couldn’t see anything there, it felt like home. I could relax.

The current epoch of astrological evolution that we have been laboring through since 2020 has had more than its share of once-in-many-lifetimes prophecy and proclamation. The one we are sitting in now is an extra extreme version of this because it involves Sedna, a lesser known dwarf planet that takes 12,000 years to move through the zodiac (approximately 1000 years per sign). Sedna is currently conjunct Uranus in the first degrees of Gemini. It is also conjunct the Pleiades Star Cluster that is part of the Taurus constellation but lays very close to the cusp to Taurus/Gemini cusp.

No surprise that, just like all the memes and podcasts you have been seeing everywhere, Sedna symbolizes a primordial, compelling feminine energy that thrives on the dark. And just like all the other planetary, cosmic energy, she mirrors what we already hold inside us.

Sedna is named after an Inuit goddess with a brutal story of betrayal, deceit and abandonment. She was tricked into an unfortunate marriage that landed her on a barren piece of land in the Arctic and when her father came to rescue her, she was cursed by her husband with an extreme storm in which her father threw her overboard and cut her fingers off as she attempted to cling to the side of his kayak. She landed at the bottom of the darkest, coldest hollow of the sea and from the bloody stumps of her fingers birthed the ocean animals of the future, the dolphins and the whales and many others, all with capabilities we have still yet to fully understand.

Talk about the generosity of the dark. Talk about the legacy of the unknown.

The Pleiades, which again are a star cluster that permanently reside at the very end of Taurus, are known as The Seven Sisters or also Humanity’s Godmothers, the power found in close relationships and community, in collective resilience.

And Uranus, of course: Change, Disruption, Revelation, Truth.

You can make your own conclusions about this historic moment, lasting through the end of this year and then some.

So here we are. Despite dwelling in the auspicious first degrees of Gemini, this cluster of portent is actually not moving very quickly, no matter how much of a ride we may all be feeling. Yes, the mind is quickening but the alchemical process we are in is deep and takes time. The Sabian Symbol for the first degree of Gemini is “a glass bottomed boat in still water” also understood as “uncovering a new dimension of life.” It might remind you of my favorite saying “The Divine has many more ideas for you than you have for yourself.” This is a time of faith in the unknown and I know you can do this.