You don't need to be a stoner to have the wisdom...

TL;DR: Parenting is hard. Don’t listen to too many voices telling you what to do. Wisdom is being in the process of parenting and riding the waves, not controlling everything.

You may want to know: I am having my second big surgery in June, so the last day to sign up for six sessions of coaching is May 26, 2026. I will be out of commission until August, so if you’ve been on the fence about coaching, now is the time to sign up. If you are ready to make it happen, click here for six sessions. If you would like to see if we are a fit, click here for a Discovery Call. If you are one of my regulars, reach out and we will set you up. 😉

On my route home from work, I often drive by one particular human: they’re sitting in a gazebo, in a robe, with a bottle of wine teetering on a rickety iron table. It is always 1 pm, and there is sometimes a cigarette, too. Every time I see them, I smile. “Good for you. GOOD FOR YOU.”

I recently watched a video where Shia LaBeouf reflects on the misery of chronic self-analysis when it comes to his sobriety (which he has clearly dropped, as he was drinking beer on the pod and had recently been arrested in New Orleans for a drunken brawl).

He spoke (both clear as a bell and as scattered as fall leaves) about the subtle narcissism that can sometimes accompany sobriety work; constant thinking, exploring, boundary-setting, and control. Sobriety feels like freedom for most, but for Shia is felt like a jail, and as I listened to him, I exclaimed, “FUCK, YES.” Don’t get me wrong, he’s the hottest of messes and deeply trapped in addiction, AND I felt I understood his mess. The exhaustion of self-analysis, effort, and the chronic “doing the work.” It’s a lot.

I thought about my robe-wearing, daytime day-drinker, as well the struggling-yet-kind-of-clear (and full of shit) Shia, and I reflected on the egoism and obsession that can accompany my own work (parenting) and had a question: Why, when I witnessed people throwing caution to the wind, clearly living outside of expectations, was my initial reaction to cheer them on? Why did I nod along with Shia’s assessment of the fatigue with chronic work on oneself? Why was I slightly (very) envious of a good cigarette?

When I coach parents, I always lead with this ever-popular supposition: you are not going to fix yourselves or your children. Imagine this: they’ve just paid all this money and here I am: “THE SUFFERING NEVER ENDS.” But we talk a long time about the freedom that comes with this acceptance. Having children is really hard and being a human is really hard, and our hustle, fix-it, “there’s a hack for that” culture is dying in front of us…AND THANK FUCKING GOD FOR THAT. We are wisening up to connection being the answer in this culture, and perfection is opposite of connection.

But parenting, at least in the big urban areas, is slow to learn that connection is more important than perfection. Behavior, and controlling it, still rules and the lack of trust in ourselves grows and grows. Our never ending search for something to be easier, better, or just be over is killing us. This search for easier and better allows us to never drop the whip with which we hit ourselves. Another expertly written parenting book to read (CRACK), another parenting skill to learn (CRACK), another way to be better (CRACK).

PARENTING IS (can be) HARD.

ONE STRUGGLE ENDS AND ANOTHER BEGINS.

Our job is to ride the waves of parents with some skill, mostly humor, and a little ease, not be a wave-controller.

Print out a picture of a pro-surfer to remind yourself of their wisdom. We joke about their stoner ways, but the truth is that there is a lot of wisdom in their sun-drenched heads. Sometimes they choose a wave: they crash, get up and go again. Or they crash and call it, dragging the board in, learning painful lessons. Or sometimes they sit the waves out. It’s calm, there’s not much to catch, and they chill, bobbing up and down, letting the water do its thing. Or they may sit the waves out because it’s too chaotic or their energy isn’t up for even basic waves. Every day is different. You get this analogy, right (I’ve beaten it to death)? Our children aren’t as completely uncontrollable as waves, but pretty darn close.

Thinking we can CONTROL everything (especially the uncontrollable) leads to burnout, resentment, and self-obsession, as well as wine at 1 pm. We get a case of the fuck-it’s because we arent meant to work this hard on ourselves, and we become overly engrossed with our own children and ourselves (and that’s really unhealthy). Parenting is a long game. Yeah, yeah, we learn skills, of course we do, but it adds to wisdom, NOT CONTROL.

I know some of us are working in some damn choppy waters. The waves keep coming. The kids or the circumstances or both are hard. Your suffering is real AND you still need to choose your waves. Even more so.

I don’t want us to daydrink nor constantly analyze ourselves, so let’s seek out only the info we need from the people who know what they’re talking about. Work on one or two skills rather than do all the things. Learn to choose the wave…or not. And whatever you do, drop the whip from your own hand.

Questions to ask yourself if you feel hustled-out, worn-out, and used-up in your parenting life: