I honestly cannot do a goddamn thing.

I’ve been carrying around heart-shaped stickies for about a week. I moved them from my purse to my school bag to my bedside. And back to my purse.

And still… Nothing.

I desperately love my daughter and have 1 million things to say about her… But I haven’t done it. I haven’t made my Vday stickies.

I got my nails painted cherry red. I’ve speed read a Jennifer Wiener book. I’ve been practicing curling my hair with a straightening iron (it looks like shit). I wrote a column about an ADHD 11-year-old for the Washington Post that no one will probably read because no one is subscribed anymore. I filled out progress reports for little two and three-year-olds. I made some decent HelloFresh dinners and a pretty mid goulash from the New York Times. And most importantly, I’ve watched some of the Olympics…a perfect time to fill out a couple of hearts for my teen…but no.

Along with the hearts, I also have not opened the report that tells me all about my latest diagnosis of ADHD. I sound like the diagnosis has been dropped in my lap…like I didn’t seek out a neuropsychologist and spent thousands of dollars to learn this. The psychologist is awaiting my reply to it… to make sure there aren’t any errors or I don’t have any lingering questions. And still…it sits unopened.

I’m thinking this diagnosis should feel like a relief, now my life and my past “make sense.” But it doesn’t feel like a relief, it feels like nothing. I asked the therapist, “what makes you think this just isn’t perimenopause?” and she laughed and said, “your entire history and your test results.” Ah. Then she said, “You probably already know this, but drinking at an early age probably made this worse.” A powerful piece of news from the “no shit” file, indeed. I drank because it felt good to my ADHD brain and drinking made my ADHD brain worse. It’s not groundbreaking, it’s the story of many, many people’s lives. I’m as unique as a weed. And I feel like a weed; sometimes pretty, but mostly a nuisance.

I’m at a dirty carwash a right now, along with every other human in NW DC. I arrived early, but not early enough. Everyone’s mad and self-important, most of all, me.

Because I feel that that scarcity viewpoint can often be my set point, I overcompensate wildly with kindness and, as Anne Lamott says, I flirt with everyone. It’s like I’m trying to fill in the gaps of all the world’s pain; no wonder I’m tired all of the time. Maybe I can find a middle ground, but that doesn’t feel like the ADHD way. All or nothing, baby.

In conclusion, if you’ve been sucking at the Vday challenge, don’t sweat it. Me, too.

Share with me how you are doing in the comments!

love you.

M

Here’s some stuff I’ve been loooooving and obsessed with and wanting to try (remember: all or nothing):

This song is so good:

Of course I did a deep dive in to the phenomenon that is Bad Bunny, and these are my fav off of his newest album:

🥜 I am going to make this granola tonight, I will tell you how it goes.

🕯️ I just ordered some candles from this mother-daughter shop in Minn., because it is good to support the city that has been fighting off fascism.

🧴 I love this reusable face mask. I use it with a very bougie serum from Victoria Beckham I got when I had more money.

💄 I forgot how amazing these Henne liptints were, but I have been using them again and they are so good. Nourishing, good color, easy.

🍆 I think Maude is the best for sexual pleasure. Their lube is especially gentle.

💋 This lip oil is as constant in my life. The Cherry color is 🔥 and I have been using it for over two years and it keeps going.