Launching the Society for the Advancement of CRAP (SACRAP)

For fifty years, science has been clear: without protecting habitat, British Columbia’s policies will continue to push caribou toward extinction and time is running out. Biologists, Indigenous leaders, and conservationists have produced evidence, recovery plans, and increasingly urgent warnings, yet meaningful action has repeatedly been delayed or undermined because governments continue to treat the environment as a nicety, so long as it does not interfere with resource extraction. While decades of evidence have failed to move government, perhaps satire can do what science alone has not. This piece is written in that spirit, to expose the absurdity of BC’s continued failure, and Canada’s complicity. It will make you laugh and make you cry!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

After 50 years of studies, committees, vision statements, and wolf killings, the Government of British Columbia triumphantly released CRAP, the Caribou Recovery Action Plan.

Premier David Eby called CRAP “a transformative moment in conservation history, and a hill my government is prepared to pile higher.”

“CRAP is a priority for this government,” said the Premier. “British Columbians can take pride in knowing that after decades of industrial expansion, habitat fragmentation, and predator control, we finally have produced CRAP we can all believe in.”

Under CRAP, surviving caribou will be relocated into the world’s largest outdoor caribou sanctuary, a fully fenced, predator-free facility in an old-growth clearcut.

Inside the sanctuary, caribou will be fed premium lichen and live-streamed. Fundraising includes trophy hunting and commemorative mugs.

Officials say the sanctuary will allow caribou to “live happily forever,” safe from forestry, mining, snowmobiles, helicopters, and nature itself.

Sympathetic to his plight, Eby appointed referee Omar Artan, barred from FIFA after his terror ties surfaced, to oversee CRAP.

Forests Minister Ravi Parmar called CRAP “the logical next step, a lofty priority.” Minister of Water, Land and Resource Stewardship Randene Neill said BC is deeply committed to CRAP.

“CRAP represents the future of wildlife management,” said government spokesperson Deputy Minister Lori Halls.

“After removing habitat and killing wolves, the next step was obvious, build a fence.”

British Columbians are encouraged to support CRAP by growing lichen and displaying I ❤️ Caribou bumper stickers on their ATVs.

“Every British Columbian has a role to play in this CRAP,” the Premier added.

As part of the program, which includes merchandise and youth ambassadors, lumberyards across the province will be renamed Caribou Conservation Centres. Industrial operators in caribou habitat become Certified Partners in CRAP, simply by continuing same-old operations.

Environment Minister Tamara Davidson said the initiative represents “the province’s balanced approach” and proves conservation and extractive industries can work hand in hand, provided conservation is behind a fence.

“CRAP is the result of an across-government effort,” she said, “and will be delivered in part by BC Timber Sales, a leader in old-growth destruction.

The province also announced that CRAP will be shared with First Nations, “who have had extensive experience dealing with BC’s CRAP for generations.”

To commemorate the launch, Premier Eby, his ministers, and senior officials will receive the inaugural Golden CRAP Awards, featuring a caribou hoof wrapped in a wolf pelt. Conservation and First Nations leaders will receive caribou dropping bracelets.

Officials insist the symbolism is “deeply respectful.”

The government estimates CRAP will cost taxpayers only $1.4 billion over ten years, not including fencing, drone surveillance, lichen subsidies, wolf ammunition, media consultants, or legal challenges. Cheaper than FIFA, this CRAP will last for generations.

A government spokesperson said the plan reflects British Columbia’s unwavering commitment to CRAP. “Now it is official policy.”

“Extinction,” she added, “is not an option, unless, of course, it becomes necessary to meet our forestry and mining targets.”

CRAP consultations will begin immediately after final decisions.

The Committee on the Status of Endangered Wildlife in Canada will monitor closely despite Carney’s devastating budget cuts.

Prominent conservationists including Robert Bateman, David Suzuki, and David Attenborough declined comment, though several reportedly muttered that after years of CRAP, BC should clear the air and try something bold- action.

Biologist Michael Bloomfield, who has advocated for caribou for 50 years, said: “After decades of BC’s failed CRAP, I’m not sure whether to keep fighting or buy a shovel and dig myself out.”

Society for the Advancement of CRAP
Head Office: Clearcut, BC
helping government deliver SACRAP since 2026
email bc.caribou.recovery@gmail.com