Dear Diary: Is Everything Romantic?

Dear friend,

Looks like we still don’t have an address. You? Reader? The abstractness of whoever reads these letters is delicious to me. It feels like we’re pen pals, except that I’m the one doing the bulk of the yapping, if written words could be yapped. I’d appreciate it, though, if you could write back to me in the comments. Some of my friends have already done that. 

Speaking of friends, I haven’t seen mine since my first letter to you, no thanks to the disgusting Canadian winter, which is ironic given how touching grass and connecting with like-minded people helped me cope with a difficult year. To put into context how disgusting Canadian winters are, think of the gloom of UK winters without the stylish coats and in the most bitter cold you’ve ever experienced - for me, anything below negative 10 is extremely bitter and not fit for the living.

When I first arrived in Canada, I had my first encounter with SAD - it kicked my ass, because surely, humans were not made to circle back, put a pin, loop in, and whatever capitalist Frankenstein actions we endure in this weather. So you can imagine my shock when I encountered people who earnestly shared their love for winter. They’ll non ironically talk about the fluffy texture of snow, winter’s purpose as a season of rest for animals, how it demonstrates the cycle of life and the special snacks and beverages that come with the season. 

While I think they’re dirty liars, I get it. 

It’s more effective to romanticize what you can’t change than complain about it for the rest of your life. It’s easier for them to reframe winter from a life-sucking season to a period of rest because it’s all they’ve known. Winter sucks, especially after Christmas, but it's bearable to find pockets of joy in the gloomy weather than letting SAD score all the points. 

Life comes in seasons, sometimes it’s nice and bright, and sometimes the summer feels like a scene out of Ari Aster’s Midsommar, a blistering, unending fever dream.  Sometimes, the winter feels like Christmas, and sometimes, it feels like an endless chilly night. 

Here’s how I try to romanticize different seasons of my  life 

1. Find beauty and wonder in the mundane 

On Charli XCX’s career-defining album, 1Brat, she declared that everything was romantic. On both versions of “Everything is Romantic” – the main track and remix – she recalls the most mundane observations from the most random places, from “Bad tattoos on leather tanned skin” to having a” sleepy head from all the fucking foxes” that kept her up from a good night’s rest to Jesus Christ on a plastic sign. 

The track is one of my top songs on the album because it transports me to the parts of my childhood where everything about life fascinated me and I could observe my environment beyond myself without personalization or judgment. Everything felt like a privilege - everything felt like a miracle; everything felt wonderful: observing humans exist on the grimy streets I grew up on, going to school, having long hair, listening to my grandma’s stories about my hometown Offa, pondering about the lizards my dad once told me nodded their heads because they swallowed the teeth children like me threw on my neighbour’s roof. 

The song urges me to reawaken my sense of wonder, which I had lost to the self-consciousness and conformity of growing up. With help and reflection, I am also learning to reframe periods of setbacks as seasons of rest, recovery, and recalibration rather than misfortune and calamity. 

2. Stop being a hater all the time.

   

Kendrick Lamar's 2024 hits “Euphoria,” “Not Like Us,” and “TV Off” demonstrated the raw power of the hater. However, his brand of antagonism was targeted, focused, and strategic. Following his year-long feud with Drake and the Super Bowl peace de resistance performance, social media commentators will purport that the era of the hater is nigh, that it is now cool to be a hater.

I call bullshit. 

None of us are Kendrick Lamar; we’re neither wealthy nor famous and not many employers will pay us to tastefully shit on our peers. 

Somebody has got to make them niggas mad, but it doesn’t always have to be you - unless you can channel your hate into bagging four Grammys. Being a hater is boring - it’s very easy to conjure up 10 reasons why something sucks, why a random person’s opinion is the stupidest string of thought we’ve ever seen. 

Being a hater all the time is the antithesis of finding beauty in the mundane. Joy cannot thrive where hate resides, because through the lens of a hater, everything sucks and everyone is cringe.

I challenge you, my friend today to look for edifying qualities in what you entertain today, in conversation, on social media, in the art you consume, the food you eat, the weather and your life.  

3. Break up with your sad girl era. 

In a video essay, YouTuber Heaven Sent Honey proclaimed the end of the Sad Girl era, and I think we should all listen to her. I’m inclined to agree with her astute analysis of how sadness creates a semblance of depth and relevance for its proponents, because how else can you be interesting if you haven’t been tortured by life?

We’ve become so miserable now that you might need a trigger warning to share random pockets of joy in your life. People have now appointed themselves the Happiness Police, questioning how the hell others can find joy when they feel so miserable.

This inquiry would be understandable if it sought to explore and master given how globally life has sucked these past five years. Rather, happiness policers seek to invalidate other perspectives while projecting their own experiences as ultimate, as though multiple realities cannot exist at once. As though you can’t genuinely laugh and cry at once.

Our pain, however punishing, cannot take precedence over the abundant joy in others’ lives. Shocking, I know, especially when we’re witnessing a global level of suckiness like we’ve never seen before.

But sadness, or at least policing happiness, will not save us. Moreover, being grim all the time makes people look ugly and not hot - which is not a world I’d like to contend with, on top of climate change, global inflation, fascism, X, and genocide.

I’m not advocating for mindless droning and avoidance, but rather, mindfully cultivating joy in our lives. Spreading joy within ourselves and in turn others, is how we can collectively get through these trying times.

4. Practice radical acceptance 

Seneca, was a proponent of Stoic philosophy, again the positive kind, not the one used to weaponize toxic masculinity or lack of empathy. 

Seneca had his fair share of misfortunes; he lost his first son and was exiled and imprisoned on false premises. His life was as if Murphy's Law was written in the Roman empire, yet he carried on with living life, not without acknowledging his suffering. Spending the bulk of his time in captivity writing missives to his friend Aurelius, his works and essays became the foundation for Stoic philosophy.  

Radical acceptance is a concept connected to Stoicism, which aims to prevent pain from turning into suffering. Cultivating radical acceptance involves accepting life’s uncertainties without feeling helpless. 

It’s about allowing the feelings of sadness or despair to pass over us like waves at the sea. That this moment will pass, even if the storms are raging for now. 

What I’ve enjoyed this month.

• Hunter Harris’ hilarious newsletters, especially this edition about Reformation’s brand emails.

• Timothee Chalamet’s SAG acceptance speech reminded me of the value of being passionate about doing great work.