On consumption, saying no, life in London so far and where I see myself growing old.

There is so much power in saying no. Usually this idea is cast out in conversations about being overworked or the people-pleasing discourse. I am thinking about it in relation to consumption.

I keep catching myself slipping into these moments of wanting more. More new clothes, more makeup, stuff for our home, the list is endless. I see why this is the case, but I no longer want to sit back and let it consume ME.

The other day I went on the Thirzie Hull website and found my dream home. As you’ll notice, it’s fucking stunning. A cool 1.1 million pounds for the 2 bedroom apartment of my dreams, equip with a studio where Tom and I could write for days on end.

Right now this is just a dream. Finances dictate we just can’t do that. If we wanted to buy something like that we would probably be working 60 hour weeks and biting each others heads off from the stress of working to pay off a mortgage that size. I found myself feeling deflated and sad because I had failed in some way. Failure to be in the position where something like that was an easy thing to make happen.

I had to stop myself in my tracks. Wait a second, every morning I have woken up in our new home I have breathed in a sigh of relief and calm. Music playing every morning, so close to nature, the shops are a short walk away, lovely neighbors, lovely landlords. We have an amazing work life balance. Admittedly our lives are just work and parenting, which could do with some more me time. But so far, every day is a blessing.

It’s normal to feel this way I think. I am part of a generation of people who are extremely aspirational, but perhaps my aspiration has been misguided. I need to do is take my own advice and remind myself of this feeling of calm and gratitude radiating throughout my body as I walk through my home. When I cook a meal, I’m not cooking from the fanciest stove or looking at the most luxury kitchen tiling. But I am calm, safe, happy and inspired by my home.

I’ve always thought of myself as an aesthetic person. I am, there’s no doubt about that. But I think it becomes problematic when I am craving aesthetic things for a purpose that is already fulfilled.

I’m putting aside the idea of that home as the benchmark. I’ve reached the bench mark! I have a safe, beautiful, calm home that sparks joy in my heart. I don’t own it, it’s small and imperfectly perfect. Just as it is.

For a while I think I have believed that by not reaching for the absolute best, I am somewhat limiting myself. Instead I want to think of this as being grateful and present. I don’t need more.

This is a dance though, because there are certain things in life which I can’t seem to shake out of me. One of these is home ownership. I can grasp that it can sometimes be a daft thing to do, but for me I see it as building on this feeling of safety.

I love the idea of one day purchasing this rental we are in. So far, in the 3 weeks of being here, every day has felt magical. It’s by no means “finished” but the feeling underneath gives me so much satisfaction and inspiration. How could I not want to hold onto that feeling forever.

My daughter’s room is tiny but at the same time, it is enough. She will become a teenager and if we buy this place, I hope we find ways to carve out a room for her here where she feels she has the space to breathe and express herself.

Being in Zone 2 of East London is an insane privilege. Landing in this spot has thrown me into a spin, a good spin. Every day I hear, and see, so many types of people. The music coming out of cars that drive by in the street inspires me to make more music. The local grocers are some of the kindest Londoners I’ve ever encountered. It’s got that true village feeling.

When we went to view the schools in the area, Tom and I were astounded at the level of diversity. All the schools were celebrating that diversity via the art, music, family days, all kinds of expressions of individual difference was all over the walls of the schools, reflecting the diversity of the kids there.

London is a magical place and like no other place on earth. I adore my life here (3 weeks in haha). I can see a long future here where we can grow old and never stop living.

So this is me saying no to aspiring to unnecessary achievements that could cause me to lose myself along the way. This is me saying yes to gratefulness, yes to noticing the here and now.