Looking back at "The Lookup's"

I just remembered something really quite weird that happened to me a long time ago. I had this thing called the “look-ups”. The best way I can describe it is to call it a tic that’s caused by anxiety. PKA oculargyric crisis. Full disclosure, I may have already written about this a while back. My memory is that of a goldfish so forgive me if I’m repeating myself.

Before starting to write music I was without much purpose. I had just been through a whirlwind of career changes, dropped out of many university courses and found myself on a disability support pension for mental health reasons. While on the pension I was trying my best to find motivation. I tried my hand at floristry during that period but I honestly had no self assurance and very little energy. I gave up so many times and started to believe that I would never achieve, or complete, anything. I was on a very high dosage of anti-psychotic medication which was incredibly sedating. I think once I had reached my highest ever dose, which in fact was the maximum for anyone taking the medication, the tipping point was reached. My anxiety had peaked too and because of this I was inside most days, only seeing Tom and maybe some close friends and my family. Not getting out of the house has to be one of the worst things anyone in that situation could do. I was basically bed bound for a good while.

Tom, my friends and my family were all super supportive and gentle with me. There was never any pressure to push myself. I was given the time and the space to work things out on my own, in my own time. I will forever be indebted to my community for this.

I can remember the exact moment the lookup’s began. I was at home and I asked my sister to come and pick me up and take me to Bondi to buy something from Facebook Marketplace. Any regular person would think that's a pretty relaxing situation, but for someone like myself who had been a bed bound recluse who was consuming large amounts of antipsychotics (known to both sedate and cause anxiety), I was a wreck. In the car on the way there I noticed myself experiencing a fast heart rate and couldn’t really concentrate on my sister’s voice. My eyes kept darting towards the overhead mirror and I suddenly realized it was involuntary. This obviously didn’t help the already peaked anxiety levels. At this point I was in shock. I couldn’t quite explain to my sister what was going on. I tried to brush it off until I got home to Tom. I can’t remember what I told him once home, but I do know Tom was one of the first people I really divulged this information to. Him and my psychiatrist.

It took a while to get the diagnosis and it was never a confident one. My doctor said it presented like oculargyric crisis, though it had shades of psychosomatic behavior. It took years to get over this. The anxiety I got from it was something that I will never shake. It’s burnt into my emotional memory. I remember playing shows and having an absolute meltdown before each one because I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to - look down. It sounds so wild to say that. What a bizarre and anomalous thing to happen to someone.

There must be so many unique and strange psychosomatic disorders out there. I’m just so thankful I worked through that one.

I was prescribed Valium to take before each show I would play and basically any time I felt the lookup’s coming on. I’ve always been afraid of being addicted to something like Valium so I used it fairly responsibly. Never 2 days in a row. This made it difficult for 3 show weekends. I told my Dr that I wasn’t interested in taking Valium for it anymore because I could feel myself becoming psychologically addicted to it. They then suggested Beta Blockers, which changed my life. I was taking these for shows so I could confidently perform without the worry of the lookup’s. This went on for a while, until I decided to one day see if I could play a show without taking one.

Thankfully, my body had learned safety on stage and my heart rate was no longer spiraling out of control. I started to actually enjoy my time up there, performing. I went from being afraid to excited. Beta blockers were my savior. They’re non addictive and generally very safe. The lower the physical signs of anxiety without numbing your thoughts. A wonder drug! Now I am at the point where I no longer need anything before I go on stage. Even in hyper anxiety inducing situations like live radio etc. I am sober as a neut. I am proud of this achievement and hope to curb my screen and sugar addictions next.

Just FYI, all of these prescription drugs I’m talking about have all been overseen and prescribed by a psychiatrist. I would never advise to take any medications without a Dr overseeing it.

Here to listen if you have any strange stories like this yourself!

Sam x