As someone who has struggled with body image and disordered eating, I’ve had voices in my head telling me cruel things about myself for as long as I can remember. They tell me I’m not thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough, or fast enough. In the past, those voices controlled what I ate, how much I ran, and even what I felt comfortable wearing. At times, those negative thoughts dictated so much of my life that it was difficult to enjoy experiences; from small things like going out to dinner to bigger moments like vacations and life milestones.
As a person in the world, you probably have some experience with a voice like this too. A mean little whisper telling you lies about yourself. But that’s the thing, they’re lies.
Over the years, this voice in my head has gotten much quieter. Some days, I barely hear it. But recovery is ongoing and sometimes, the negative thoughts get loud. The difference these days, is that I don’t listen anymore.
Last week, I was on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation with my husband. Inconveniently for me, most of the trip coincided with my luteal phase, when I tend to feel my most "blah" and bloated. The combination of hormonal shifts, endless hours in the heat, a break from my normal routine, and spending so much time in a swimsuit left me feeling less than stellar about myself. The mean voices in my head were pretty loud.
It was frustrating that I couldn’t completely shake those thoughts, but I also didn’t allow them to control me. I acknowledged they were there and shared them with my patient and understanding husband. For me, saying those thoughts out loud to someone I trust takes away much of their power. I reminded myself that the voices were lying, and I refused to act on what they were telling me.
Instead of listening to them, I ordered the sangria. I ate the French fries while lounging at the beach in a bikini. I turned off my alarm on the last day of vacation and skipped my run. I indulged in some seriously delicious gelato even though I was already pretty full.
It wasn’t easy, and there were moments that were clouded by negative thoughts. I hope one day I get to a place where I can enjoy a vacation without those thoughts creeping in at all. But for now, I’m grateful that they no longer dictate my actions. Recovery doesn’t necessarily mean the thoughts disappear, but it means choosing not to let them control your actions. For me it meant savoring the sangria, choosing sightseeing over running, and eating gelato almost every day.
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Shout out to Allie Ostrander who recently shared a similar sentiment on Instagram. We love how Allie is always keeping it real and transparent through her recovery process.
“Negative thoughts can be unavoidable, but the actions we take aren’t. I choose to act on & spread messages that I believe, the ones I want to become the resounding voices in my head.” -Allie Ostrander
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