How to spot perfectionism

This newsletter edition features Lane 9 clinician Dr. Jess Silverman, based in Connecticut and additionally licensed to work with athletes in New York. Connect with Dr. Silverman here! This is a long one, so take your time with it, and come back to the points and highlights as needed.

Have you ever noticed yourself focused solely on the outcome or result rather than the process? Maybe you have been hesitant to try that new activity because you are not sure you will do it well. You could be the type of person or athlete who is comparing yourself to other’s accomplishments and achievements, finding yourself feeling less than or inadequate. If any of these sound like you, you may want to keep reading.

According to psychology and researchers, perfectionism is defined as a tendency to set unrealistically high standards for oneself or others, and where self-worth feels connected to a flawless performance and mistakes are viewed as failures rather than lessons or opportunities for growth and learning (Guy-Evans, 2025).

There are certain characteristics or traits that a person who has perfectionistic tendencies tends to demonstrate. Given that perfectionism is not only something that affects athletes, it is helpful to see how to identify if you or someone you know may be dealing with these types of behavior patterns.

• Fear of failure or mistakes – This can look like being afraid to try something new because you are worried or concerned about not doing it perfectly. In a sport context, this may be not trying a new skill because you are afraid of falling or not landing on your feet correctly (not from an injury perspective, more so about how others will perceive your athleticism as a result of the new trick+).

• Difficulty recognizing and celebrating achievements – When an athlete does not achieve the goal they strive for (i.e. qualifying for a specific event, hitting a certain time or score), it is not uncommon to be upset. However, when a person is unable to recognize the work it took to get there and even acknowledge that sometimes not hitting the goal the first time around is a lesson to celebrate!

• Self-esteem and self-worth contingency – Have you ever thought that if you just accomplished said goal, you would be happy? This can be a slippery slope, especially for athletes. Many athletes believe that they are not “good enough” if they did not win or get their goal and this can create a pattern of negativity within oneself that ultimately can hinder performance and engagement in sport, amongst other areas of their life.

• Harsh and critical internal dialogue/critic – It is completely understandable to want to be a little firm with oneself, as a coach or parent may be. Yet, when we only berate ourselves and shame or beat ourselves up for not performing how we’d like, that is not as motivating as we hope it would or could be.

• Procrastination and avoidance – Many people do not realize that when we prolong doing something or avoid it all together, that could be related to perfectionism. For example, an athlete may put off doing a workout because they do not believe they will execute it as prescribed or skip a practice altogether.

Many people find themselves falling into the perfectionist trap when they have a combination of factors such as familial and/or cultural pressures/expectations, certain personality traits, and even genetic influences. According to the literature (Hewitt & Flett, 1991), there are three separate categories that a person can find themselves falling into.

Self-oriented perfectionism is best described as a person imposing unrealistically high standards of perfection onto the self, whereas other-oriented perfectionism is when a person expects or imposes these standards onto another.

Lastly, there is socially prescribed perfectionism, where an individual believes that others expect them to be perfect and judge themselves harshly/critically as a result. As you may imagine, these can stem from different pressures and influences in a person’s life, and often can be learned or developed through childhood.

Unsurprisingly, perfectionism can impact a person’s physical and mental health. While these traits and tendencies do not discriminate, we are seeing rising rates of perfectionism in young individuals in general, students, athletes, performers, early career professionals, creatives/artists, and caregivers/providers (Curran, Hill, and Pose, 2026).

Physically, chronic stress from perfectionism can show up as headaches, digestive problems, disrupted sleep, decreased/weakened immune system and functioning, cardiovascular disease, and metabolic disorders. Emotionally and mentally, people struggling with perfectionism are likely to deal with mental health diagnoses and difficulties such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, suicidality, low self-esteem, and interpersonal dysfunction.

While I know it seems like there is a lot of negativity associated with perfectionism, there is good news as well! We as people, individuals, athletes, etc. can do something to change and improve our relationship with perfectionism so that it does not have lasting unfortunate consequences. Let’s outline some steps you can take if you find yourself struggling with perfectionism:

1. Shift the focus from perfect to progress. This may require realigning or reframing expectations. You can utilize mantras or affirmations such as “Nothing is perfect and I am doing the best I can in this moment” to help begin to modify that internal narrative. You can remind yourself that each moment is a new opportunity to start again. Sometimes we do not always have 100% to give, and that is okay. Show up with what you can and recognize the wins in that! Sometimes it is about being consistent and not always at max intensity.

   
   Most of the time, athletes are not meant to be training at peak performance! We are building blocks to get to the final product and not going full-send each time. Mindfulness can also help you take a step back and appreciate where you are right now, celebrating the small wins as much as the big moments (i.e. using five senses to help bring your mind to the present and focus less on arbitrary metrics).

2. Challenge yourself to be flawed. This can start with something small and inconsequential – maybe you have always wanted to try art, but you were too afraid to commit to making something. Go buy some crafts, gather some friends, and make creating fun with the intention that you are going to make mistakes because you are all going to be blindfolded while painting with your hands.

   Be gentle and compassionate with yourself during this process, it can be frustrating to intentionally “fail,” however, failure is just a First Attempt In Learning. 😊

3. Break things down into small “doables.” To quote Miss Olivia Dean’s song “Baby Steps” I’ll be my own pair of safe hands | it’s not the end, it’s the making of | right, left, for now | I’m taking ba-ba-ba-baby steps. This is such an important and useful process to healing perfectionism.

   We can have goals and long-term dreams, but we need to make them bite-sized and targeted. You can utilize SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, time-bound) to help you begin to take those baby steps and put one foot in front of the other. You may need to lean on others you trust to help guide you on managing expectations of how much to accomplish and help you slow down the little “doables.”

4. Increase flexibility. This does not necessarily mean stretching and mobility work, although that can certainly help physical and mental flexibility! Be willing to waver – if your coach prescribes you a 6 mile run, you can give yourself grace and check in around miles 3-4; if it’s not feeling good, commit to stopping and trying again another day. If you can’t do all 4 sets of 10 reps, try doing a strong 3 sets at your max. If you wake up feeling exhausted and sore, take the extra rest day or choose to bump your workout to later.

   Know that one day, one week, it will not make a huge difference in the long game. Vacations, off-periods, rest days are equally important (if not more in some ways) for the training cycles. We can all practice being more adaptable and recognizing that following self-imposed or prescribed “plans” are more about loose guidelines and less about strict rules.

   If you work with a coach who does not support this, you may want to consider finding another person to guide you, as rigidity is a big hinder to being more flexible.

5. Build “growth mindset and mentality” by prioritizing your values. When things get difficult, growth mindset offers perspectives to help individuals grow from the challenge and learn lessons from the struggles. Whereas “mental toughness” and “willpower” can promote or lead to ignoring internal cues that may suggest pushing through is not in our best interest.

   I find that when we can connect our goals to our values or what is important to us, then I find it easier to tap into the growth mindset and mentality. For example, most of us do not enjoy studying and test-taking.

   However, if we can recognize that this material will help us perform better at our jobs or help us get a certain certification or license to practice, then it may make the studying more meaningful and as a result, when a person wants to stop, they can remind themselves of their WHY to keep going rather than just pushing through without intentionality.

6. Lean on other trusted individuals. While seeking professional support is not a requirement, that is often a great place to start if you find yourself having a difficult time separating from the trap of perfectionism. You can also build a strong supportive network of friends, family, partner(s), teammates, coaches, trainers, mentors, etc., who can all guide you along the way and support the work you are doing with a licensed professional team.

In short, the fact that you are recognizing these patterns and behaviors is the first step! While perfectionism can be all-consuming, it is also something manageable and can be corrected with intentional actions, supportive people and resources, and active awareness to re-evaluate expectations and pressures imposed on you or others.

If you or someone you know/love may be struggling, there is no need to fret or feel alone—remember, it is not about doing this perfectly, so starting small and reading this is already you on your journey to being free of the perfectionistic cycle! 😊

References available if you’re looking to learn more!

Connect with Dr. Silverman through our Lane 9 Clinical Directory for Women in Sports.