Before the Baby: Building a Home That Can Sustain Life

Since getting engaged in January, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to actually prepare for a family. Not in the way that society talks about it — cribs, strollers, baby showers. In a way that actually determines everything: the foundation of the home itself. When baby comes earth side, they learn to absorb the environment around them. They follow the nervous system pattern of their parents.

There are two types of people when it comes to preconception planning: those on the right that are picking out nursery colors, baby clothes, scheduling maternity photos, and creating their registry. Then you have those on the left who are Googling vaccine inserts, the vitamin k shot, eye drops, golden hour, car seats, types of mattress to buy for baby, organic formula, and hiring a doula. But rarely do we ever see the couples who are standing behind these two groups. In the back. They’re the ones spending quality time together, learning how to regulate their nervous systems, nourish their bodies properly (without guessing), praying together, in God’s word daily/weekly, and learning how to build the foundation of their marriage prior to conception — to give their baby the most optimal chance of a healthy live and minimal symptoms once they come earth side.

The truth is, our children follow our nervous system patterns. I see parents every single day asking me to “fix” their child’s symptoms but never wanting to look deeper into their body or lack of nourishment + the state of their nervous system. This is very telling. We cannot fix a child if we don’t focus on mom (and ideally dad) first. This is what I see most young couples getting wrong: they are, even though doing their homework on the correct things, are still missing the mark. It takes so much to get pregnant, go through labor and delivery, postpartum, and raise a child. If the foundation of your marriage is not strong, there will be cracks that show for it later on and pregnancy is a very telling stage of life for that to occur.

My goal with this article is not to shame parents or mothers. My goal is to bring to light awareness around the foundation of the marriage first and how crucial this is prior to having children. After working with hundreds of families, I see the same common denominator when a parent comes to me to fix their child’s symptoms: the dysregulation of one or both parents and a cracked foundation.

I come from divorced parents. My dad will be the first to admit that he and my mom did not have a solid foundation, there were many cracks, and that ultimately led to the separation and then divorce.

Do you and your wife/husband have a solid foundation? Do you fight a lot? Is your home calm or chaotic? Do either of you feel overstimulated most of the day? Are there stressors in your daily life impacting your relationship or the relationship with yourself? Do you have toxic in-laws? Toxic friends? Is your work environment healthy? Do you take work home with you?

All of these are questions I invite you to ask yourself if you have family planning in mind. Why? Because a child’s nervous system is shaped inside of yours.

One of my mentors, Dr. Rick Malter, PhD, told me about patient he worked with years ago. This patient described feeling like he came out of his mothers womb covered in cortisol and stress hormones because of what she was going through during her pregnancy. He believed that shaped him into his many mental health struggles—which it absolutely did because of the mineral aspect here as well.

Many women are chronically under eating, dieting, restricting, or not eating for their body/energy type.

Undernourished bodies = reactive, depleted, irritable, unstable
Nourished bodies = grounded, stable, patient, calm

You cannot build a peaceful home from a depleted body.

In my line of work I focus mainly on mineral balancing. Balancing an individual’s minerals to improve their symptoms and help them reach their health + wellness goals. Minerals are usually the missing piece when it comes to chronic symptoms or unexplained issues.

What most people don’t know is that minerals actually shape our nervous system + mental health.

Yes, you read that correct: minerals shape the nervous system + your mental health.

Sodium/potassium → stress response, fluid to life, feeling emotions
Copper/zinc → emotional volatility vs stability, toxic feminine vs toxic masculine
Magnesium → emotional buffering
Calcium → rigidity, shield, defense, masculine, heart of the home

Just to give a few examples… I am OBSESSED with minerals but I’m really obsessed with their connection to our emotions and reactions.

God formed man from dust and breathed life into him. The same dust that contains the very minerals we need for a thriving, healthy body. The same thing big corporations are trying to deplete, fortify, and toxify (but that’s a conversation for a different day).

How do you and your wife/husband handle conflict?

What I find interesting with how a couple interacts is that they usually share similar mineral patterns but might have a few that are opposite. For example, a woman might have a low sodium/potassium ratio on her HTMA test which makes her feel depleted, tired, exhausted, worn out. Her husband might have a high sodium/potassium ratio and he feels wired, ready to go, get stuff done, maybe a tendency for anger, irritability, a short fuse, or a type A personality. Sometimes, these can clash. One person might run away and enter a “shutdown” mode like fawn or freeze where the other enters fight or flight and is ready to resolve the conflict, even if it isn’t in the most healthiest way.

Do you people please? Do you shut down? Do you try to control the situation? Are there unspoken resentments?

Again, all questions I invite you to reflect or journal about.

Why? Because your child will not learn love from what you say. They will learn it from how you and your partner exist together.

Volatility in the relationship? Your child will feel that and become reactive. Their symptoms are a mirror of you + your spouse.

Each couple will have their biggest challenge in their relationship. This can be a bit different for everyone. For some, it may be dealing with a toxic in-law or a toxic parent or family member, for others it may be struggling to regulate from previous trauma. Again, this can vary per person per couple.

No matter where the external drainage of the energy/leakage is coming from, if you cannot protect your home now, you won’t be able to protect your child later.

Boundaries are a part of the foundation that many couples skip. Individuals skip it as well. I recently finished the book, Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab and it opened my eyes in multiple areas of my life that I had been letting things slide to keep the peace. This has been at the extent of my own health as well. I’m a firm believer that the more you keep things inside, don’t speak your mind, or use your voice, the higher your autoimmune rate goes up.

One thing I didn’t expect after getting engaged was how many opinions, projections, and unspoken expectations would suddenly appear. How my wedding should be, when I should be having kids, what kind of life I should build…

And if you’re someone who has struggled with people pleasing or spent a majority of your life being agreeable, accommodating, or trying to keep the peace, this season will expose that immediately.

What I’ve learned is that it really isn’t about the opinions themselves. It’s about how they activate you. What they activate inside of you.

The urge to over explain yourself, give anyone an explanation, the need to be understood, the discomfort of disappointing people or standing up for yourself. All to avoid tension? This isn’t just a personality thing. And this took me a very long time to understand. This is a nervous system capacity + nourishment issue.

When your body is depleted, when your nervous system is dysregulated, when your minerals are imbalanced, it becomes harder to hold boundaries.

You tolerate more, you let people walk all over you, you don’t stand up for yourself, you don’t voice your needs, you default to keeping others comfortable over protecting yourself/your own peace.

Building a home with your partner requires different things. It requires choosing the unit you are creating over the expectations of everyone around you. If you cannot protect your home now, you are likely going to have an incredibly difficult time protecting your child later. Or many women get to a breaking point with others around them where they lash out, act out in anger, or even become physical. It’s easier said than done but allowing yourself nourishment + receiving the sweetness of life to be able to hold your own before letting things get out of hand is a quality many aren’t equipped with.

When baby comes earth side, the dynamics you’re currently struggling with will only get louder. Things will intensify. More opinions, more pressure, more access. It’s not just about you anymore at that point. It’s also about what your new baby is exposed to.

Boundaries in this seasons could look like:

• Not over-explaining your decisions

• Letting people be uncomfortable without rushing to fix it

• Choosing privacy over constant access

• Saying no without softening it into something more acceptable

Learn to protect what you are creating.

Your home isn’t just a physical space. It’s an emotional environment. The nervous system. The place where safety is either felt or it isn’t. Every boundary you set now is happening what that environment will feel like later, especially when children are created.

We can’t neglect the Biblical foundation of marriage. Allow me to be raw: you are not becoming a member of your husband’s family and your husband is not becoming a member of your family. The both of you are creating a family dynamic together, two becoming one.

Leaving doesn’t mean you stop loving your family, stop participating in family events, and neglect them. It means your primary loyalty, your covering, your decision-making shifts to the home you are building with your spouse.

You are not becoming an extension of your family origin nor is your husband. You are becoming the foundation of a new one.

Yet, I see many newly married couples struggle with family dynamics with their in-laws in needing approval, over-explaining decisions, allowing outside opinions to override what feels right in their home, etc. This will weaken the foundation you are trying to build.

A divided home will not feel safe.

Boundaries are biblical. It isn’t just personal or emotional. Boundaries are what protect one flesh, union from becoming crowded, influenced, and unstable.

At this point, we know that aesthetics are prioritized over substance. People rush timelines: engagement → wedding → baby. Rarely do we see anyone teaching regulation, nourishment, repair, especially in the months/years leading up to conception.

We’re taught how to decorate a home but not how to build the foundation of one. Why is this?

We also know that there have been studies shown that the couples who pray together have decreased chances of getting divorced. Praise God!

It’s almost like God laid out the foundation of what we need to have a healthy, stable nervous system in ourself, and then our marriage, and then when we have children.

For some of you this isn’t glamorous work. This is going to be difficult. This is going to take time. For others you might actually enjoy it.

Some of you may think that building the foundation of your home would require you actively doing more. It’s not really about this. It’s about your capacity. What you can hold. Your ability to hold more.

A solid foundation isn’t built through control or trying to get everything “right”. In fact, these two symptoms are sign that you may be lacking nourishment or stability in your nervous system/home currently. There is always a feedback loop if you pay close enough attention to your body!

A strong foundation is built through regulation, nourishment, and a body that feels safe to live in.

Some of you may be ready to jump into a well regulated home, I mean… who isn’t? But there may be work that requires you to focus solely on yourself, away from your partner. This I feel is “normal”. Figuring out your triggers, releasing your past trauma and emotions, etc. Sometimes there can be blocks in the road that need to be removed.

This is where minerals come in in a way most people don’t consider. Your ability to:

• stay calm in conflict

• hold boundaries without guilt

• set boundaries in general

• not spiral or shut down

is not just emotional but it’s physiological. It’s biochemical. If you’re lacking minerals or toxic in minerals/metals, this will have so much impact on your capacity as a human being and soon-to-be mother.

When you are undernourished or mineral-depleted, everything will feel harder. You may struggle in talk therapy, be quicker to react, shut down at the first sign of conflict, or be more likely to people please just to keep the peace. This isn’t weakness, it’s a sign your body is in survival mode (most likely fight or flight) and you need to prioritize yourself. This would allow you to step into your feminine energy. Feminine energy, by the way, isn’t just always about being quiet, soft spoken, and looking pretty. When you’re nourished and living in a true, healthy feminine energy you aren’t gripping as tightly, you’re not expecting stress or the worst thing to happen, you can actually enjoy your relationship + life, be present in your home, and respond instead of react.

What I’ve seen both personally and in my clients is that when the body is supported properly, boundaries stop feeling like something you have to force and start becoming something that feels natural.

I had a client recently share her check-in progress from her custom HTMA mineral balancing protocol (screenshot above with permission from client). She was able to stop people pleasing in situations that previously used to consume her. Her minerals were shifting. She began supporting + nourishing her body in a way that her body needed. She wasn’t guessing anymore with random supplements or random diets. Her nervous system was beginning to regulate.

A part sometimes we miss is that we try to fix patterns like people pleasing, over-explaining, or emotional reactivity through willpower, reading motivational quotes, or listening to podcasts. Without realizing how much of it is rooted in the body.

Building the foundation of your home starts with you. Your body. Your nourishment. Your ability to feel safe, grounded, and steady.

Your future child won’t just experience your love… they will experience your capacity. Your nervous system. That is built long before they come earth side.

If you want children one day, don’t start with the nursery. Start with your nervous system. Start with your body. Start with your relationship. Start with the foundation. Because when you have children, that will become their world.

If this resonated with you, if you’re in a season of building your home, your relationship, yourself — this is the kind of work I write about here. The parts no one teaches you. The foundation beneath it all. You can subscribe below to stay connected or join as a paid subscriber if you want to go deeper into the work of nourishment, regulation, and building a home that actually feels like one.