Minneapolis Cold Brew (No ICE)

Coffee is for mornings when the news feels like it’s testing your reading comprehension. Like discovering that ICE used a five-year-old boy as bait, shot a VA nurse in the street, and killed a mother of three in her car — all before breakfast. At this point, coffee isn’t just a beverage. It’s protective equipment.

This cold brew has no ice because mornings like these call for a beverage strong enough to make even Joe Rogan briefly reconsider his presidential endorsement. The truth is that this can be a hard drink to swallow. Side effects may include: sudden clarity, inappropriate laughter at press conferences and the urge to Google “how democracies collapse.”

Drink up while you can. The president has learned a new word — de-escalation — and will soon decide it doesn’t apply to him.

Serving Size: 50,000 Minneapolitans who recently woke up
Brew Time: Overnight, or several administrations

• ½ cup coarsely ground coffee (dark, bitter, and impossible to spin)

• 4 cups cold water (plus a little extra for splashing yourself awake from the authoritarian nightmare)

• 1 tablespoon honey or maple syrup (for people still clinging to hope)

• A pinch of salt (to balance the bitterness of living through history)

• Oat milk, cream, or the cold comfort of realism

• No ICE (because this is coffee, not crowd control)

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1. Combine ground coffee and water in a large container. Stir gently, like a White House spokesperson walking back a statement.

2. Cover and refrigerate for 12–24 hours. Just enough time for the narrative to be “clarified.”

3. Strain carefully through fine mesh or a coffee filter. Remove the grounds, but notice how the bitterness remains much like federal agents after being told they do not have a judicial warrant.

4. Taste. Add honey or maple syrup for a bit of false hope. Add oat milk or cream to make it easier to swallow. But for God’s sake, don’t add ICE or you will likely never see your coffee mug again.

5. Drink slowly, preferably while gathering your passport and gas mask for a quick trip to the grocery store.

Pairs well with neighborhood group chats, mutual aid spreadsheets, and simmering rage. Store in the refrigerator for up to two weeks, or until you’re reading about another “isolated incident.”

Some mornings require caffeine. Others require equipment.